(Closed) Sick of hearing DH complaining about his job. Am I a terrible wife?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
5664 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

i don’t think being annoyed wit hthat makes you a bad wife 😉 We all get annoyed with our husbands and frankly I find that men complain about the little things way more than women do. They are also horrid multi taskers. UGH my husband cannot handle multi tasking to save his life. I also don’t think anything is wrong with just being like ok, I get that you don’t like it but complaining does not help. If you can’t change it change the way you look at it, and if you REALLY hate your job and its not just temporary, then maybe you should look for something more fullfilling.

You probably won’t get very far with telling him to man up, although I’d totally want to say something like that 😉

Post # 4
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Similar, but not eaxctly the same.  My Husband LOVES ot bitch about his job.  He works a job that has hours long deadlines, requires a lot of skill and relys on other people for timing and whatnot.  So it can be very exacting and stressful.  All i hear is about how much this was so hard, or that really was nearly impossible.  One day i just said, if you hate it so much, quit.  He looked shocked and taken aback, and told me “why would i quit? I love my job!” My mind boggles.  And so now i have to listen to him complain, and interject in the right spots with “that’s too bad, boo” or “well, it’l be easier next time” and like minded stuff, because all he wants is sympathy for all his hard work.  It makes no sense to me, but perhaps your man is the same? And maybe not.  If not, encourage him to consider the upsides and perhaps a different company? 

Post # 5
Member
6125 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

As soon as these whiny men feel their woman is not on their side any more, they will probably get nasty or withdraw.

If I have any suggestion it would be to make it look like you’re still on his side.  Ask him if there is anything you could do to make things better.  Say when he’s in a bad mood, he makes you in a bad mood, and you really don’t want to be in a bad mood – so what can you do to help him.  Say you can listen to him vent for a little but then you have to go do something happy to change your mood for yourself, and that you want to keep your home a place with positive vibes, so even though he hates his job, he home can be a place of comfort.

 

I know, it will probably be hard to say!

Post # 6
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@TulleLove:  Stop beating yourself up, you are NOT a bad wife because of this.  I was in a very similar situation and I spoke to him about it.  We agreed, he gets 30 minutes of “vent time” each night he comes home.  After that, we call a moratorium on work talk.  That said, you should talk to him and let him know that his constant pissing and moaning is bringing you down.  Do not, however, bring up YOUR work unless it’s to point out how YOU manage to cope.  Give him constructive advice.  You’re both in this for the long haul.  And you owe it to one another to be honest and supportive. 

Post # 7
Member
5015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m the job-whiner in my relationship and I’m sure it drives my FI nuts sometimes. He’s super laid back though so he never really gets upset with me, but I try to keep it under control. All I can say is that I really appreciate that he’s always willing to listen and give me support, even if it’s just “wow, yeah that sucks.” I would encourage him to pursue a different job though, even if it’s with the same company. Maybe he can work toward a promotion that he would enjoy more?

Post # 8
Member
2963 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

No it does not mean you are a terrible wife. It means that you are HUMAN.

Post # 10
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@TulleLove:  I think he can tell that I’m getting fed up because I usually just offer a sympathetic ear and now I’m offering solutions

But why are you so tentative to just be honest?  If I’m being a pain in the ass, I would hope my husband would say so.  I’m not saying go in guns blazing… but simply being honest (tactfully, of course) about how you’re feeling, I don’t see an issue with that.

Post # 11
Member
6260 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m in the exact same boat. Sometimes it’s gotten so bad that I’ve put the phone on speaker and done housework. I can never get a word in edgewise anyway, and I know he just needs to vent, so this way we both get what we need.

Post # 12
Member
6750 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

For the entire year of 2011, I was your husband.  Only, my FI worked from home while I worked your job and complained about it.  I knew it was only going to last a few months (they said 9, it was 12 1/2), but the pay was not good and the stress not worth it (or so I felt).  I complained.  Every.  Day.  My FI did tell me at one point that he couldn’t handle it anymore.  We would fight about it and I would be upset because as my best friend and my partner, I needed him to listen to me vent.  He didn’t want to hear about work because he thought I should leave it at home.  I was very depressed and then the 12 1/2 months were over and thankfully he stuck by my side and I’m doing much, much better now.  However, if there’s no end in sight for your DH, I suggest you set up time for him to vent and then that’s it.  Tell him 30 mins a day when he gets home and then after that he has to do something positive or talk about something positive.  A lot of times, FI and I would go for walks while I talked so we were doing something positive/productive for ourselves while I was venting and it reduced the stress.  I suggest you help find him ways of coping with the stress while still being there to support him.  Maybe this is how he gets things off his chest.

To answer your question though, no I don’t think you’re being a bad wife.  It can take a toll on someone.  And I probably would also tell him to man up lol.  But, I think my advice might be better in the long run than telling him to be a man and deal with it 🙂

Post # 13
Member
4466 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

First of all, I think it’s unfair to make the judgment call that you don’t think his job is hard or demanding. You’re different people and what he can perhaps handle professionally and what you can handle professionally are most likely two very different things. Another thing to keep in mind is that what he deals with and has become accustomed to are very different than what you are accustomed to. The standard of what is expected is different and you really have no idea whether or not your husband can really handle the new pressures or not – maybe he can’t. I think you should try to be a bit more supportive in your actions and the choices you make in what to say and how to say it. You can’t fix the situation with his job, but your concern should be your relationship, and if he feels unsupported at home he most likely won’t stop complaining and it will just get worse. 

Post # 14
Member
1477 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You’re not being a bad wife, I think what you’re feeling is normal.

Here’s my take on people’s different personalities and abilities. Everyone has different limits. His seems to be shorter than yours. That’s fine, but maybe he needs help figuring out how to multitask and that’s why he’s struggling so much. You could potentially help him here. Maybe you can explain to him how your normal workday is, and you’re having a hard time listing to how it’s so tough on him all the time, because you do it every day and you want to help him so that he can multitask better.

Your husband also needs a stress outlet that’s not always you. This is wearing on you and it will not get better unless something somewhere is changed. Maybe he can journal some of his feelings or do anything so he’s not always complaining to you every day. 

Sending hugs! 

Post # 16
Member
7175 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Been there, done that – feel like I could have written your post.

The thing that I always remind myself of is the fact that DH has me to come home to.  I’m his safe place.  I also think guys process differently than girls (in general) where we can vent to a host of friends and guys vent to one person – us.

And, yes, we may be completely sick of hearing them – but what I also realized is that they are looking for affirmation from the one person that can give it to them – us.

In those times when DH is down and out about his job – I put on my most encouraging face and try to make him feel like the most amazing man on earth.  Why?  because I know it’s the most important thing I can do for him.

Is it easy? HELLS NO!

 ETA:  The other thing I remind myself of is if I needed to vent about a recurring topic and DH told me he was tired of hearing it – I’d be pretty bummed out.  That’s also what keeps me from saying “QUIT YOUR WHINING!” 😉

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