Post # 1
I am heartbroken…not one but TWO of our parent’s have terminal diseases recently diagnosed..one on each of our side of the family. There is no cure, and they might not be here in a months or ten years. We just don’t know. We have a two year engagement and have a deposit down. We could afford a wedding next year…would you move your wedding up?? I just can’t imagine getting married without one or both of them there with me and fiance. What should I do ? 🙁 Half of me wants to elope and hurry up and have a baby (we are near 30 so this isn’t a crazy idea). I just am so upset I don’t know what to do :/ Fiance said he will support whatever I want to do.
Post # 2
oval30: you could have a simple private ceremony with just your parents now and a vow renewal/ reception in two years when you have your venue paid for! Sorry you have to deal with this. And if you want and are ready for a baby then by all means, have a baby. Just don’t have a child you aren’t ready for because you feel sad right now, as that will make it even harder to be a first time mom
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
oval30: If you’re not sure how much time you’ll have with them and you are in a good place to get married and start TTC otherwise, I would elope ASAP and start TTC. Having our parents at our wedding and there when we have our baby is really important to both of us.
Post # 4
I am so sorry for what is happening to you. I will say a prayer for you and the members of your family. I also agree its a good idea to have a nice, small, intimate wedding ceremony with the people close to you and then have a vow renewal eventually.
Post # 5
If my mother or father had a terminal disease and probably wouldn’t be around for my wedding date, I would tell my FI we needed to move our date up.
Post # 6
oval30: Personally, I’d just get married as soon as possible, if I were already engaged and had the money for a smaller ceremony and could get my immediate family and close friends together for it. Even if it were vastly different from what I wanted, I’d want them to be there.
Post # 7
oval30: I am so sorry. Another poster has a similar situation, so I am basically repeating what I told her. Have my real life story included
My FI’s grandfather was dying of Cancer and we considered moving things up to the point that we would have had a rushed church wedding. Fi’s grandma was in an obviously emotional state and thought this was a good idea. His grandfather was the one who said “don’t move anything up for me”. He REALLY wanted to see us get married but he did not want to be the reason we moved it up. He did not want our wedding to be associated with his sickness and death soon after. He knew that we were getting all of our ducks in a row and waiting because that makes more sense than rushing in to it while we are still in school.
If you move your wedding up, then everything will be about your parents rather than your wedding. Of course family first, but you deserve the wedding you want. You deserve YOUR day, not a rite of passage that shall be orchestrated to accomadate others. Of course you want them there and of course they want to be there but terminal illness is not always predictable. You could set a date for next week and they could take a turn for the worst and be hospitalized. Or unable to leave the house? Or their memory could go as the result of the illness or meds their on.
Would your parents want to know they are the reason you aren’t having the wedding you want, when you want it? You can’t really believe they are that selfish? I think most people who are sick and/or dying, realize that their family is already under a terrible strain and they would not want to compound that. They wouldn’t want facebook status’ to read “Happy Anniversary Oval30 and Mr. Oval30! Also my aunt and uncle oval30 will be missed and forever in our hearts”. Yes, I know that fb is not your concern right now, I am just trying to be light hearted and point out why moving up your wedding would forever make your anniversary a somber occassion. It is typical for people to visit graves on the anniversary of someone’s death. It is very emotional and probably not what you want to do prior to celebrating your wedding anniversary.
Often it is the other family members who insist plans should be changed. That is why I shared that story. FI’s grandma, while in an emotional state wanted to move everything up…even if we did, we’d have to get married in her living room for FGIL to attend. It was FI’s grandpa who saw the situation for what it was and didn’t want to be the cloud hanging our day. I am sure your parents would feel the same way.
Again I am so sorry for what you are going through
Post # 8
- Wedding: April 2013 - Valparaiso, IN
If I were in your shoes I would definitely get married and start trying for a baby ASAP!
Post # 9
oval30: sorry for whats happening to you and your FI…. I cant imagine!
WELL as for the wedding if your established enough that you could get married next year and it wouldnt be a biggie? and its what you would want then I dont see the harm in looking into it….. I do agree you need to think about what other pp have said that is it really going to be a good choice if they passed close to the date…would it be too sad to acknowledge your wedding anniversary? I would talk to your FI and see if he wouldnt mind moving the date and then the parents to see how much it would mean to them…. Im pretty sure they will say not to change plans but I can bet deep down they wish for it. For Parent and child the wedding is kind of a huge one :s
For the baby… Thats tough…..I wouldnt rush it just because… it needs to be for the right reasons and come naturally because if not it might make things worse. I say this because my grandpa died when my mom was 7 months pregnant (unexpectedly) and it was so much harder…. it was the “if only…. if only it hadnt happened for 3 more months….” and having that kind of grief and stress on a pregnant lady isnt good either!!! Obviously you will have no control over when things happen with your folks but I personally I do think that part needs to happen when your ready. If your ready soon then go for it, but if your trying for the sake of doing it before someone passes then it could make things more stressful then they need to be….and if you didnt get pregnant asap then you’ll be stressed out and all you’ll focus on is TTC and maybe not enjoy some of the time you should be focusing on your parents! (know what I mean)
…..if your ok with it…. maybe pull the goalie and let things happen as they come…. I think adding the stress of TTC is gonna add more strain then is needed right now (just my opinion).
Post # 10
Honestly, I don’t know how I’d feel if one of our parents were terminally ill. I can tell you that three years ago, my husband and I were visiting with my grandmother when a similar situation arose. We weren’t engaged yet (and didn’t intend to be for around a year) and she laughingly told us that we should hurry up because she wouldn’t be around forever. She got sick and passed away from lung cancer less than three months later. She was the last living grandparent between us.
We got married two years later and I wished she could be there, so much. But I’m also glad I hadn’t sped up the wedding because we had to do things our way, on our timeline, no matter what. I might have felt different if it was a parent or if we had been closer to getting engaged/married, but as it stands, I don’t regret that we did things on a timeline that was best for us.
I’m so sorry you even have to think of this. It’s heartbreaking.