Post # 1
I was worried this was going to happen. A little back story, first.
We decided to tell our parents early about the pregnancy for support, and both are being very good about keeping it quiet and being supportive etc. This will be my parent’s first grandchild, and of course they are SUPER excited. My in laws already have a grand child from my SIL who has a 4 year old boy. Said SIL and son both still live with their parents, so it’s not as though they have any sort of limited access to their grandbaby. They spend lots and lots of time with him, and are the go-to baby sitters.
Long story short, I guess my mom and MIL spoke, and MIL said “Well I want to furnish the nursery.” By furnish she meant any furniture we pick out, she’ll pay for. That’s very kind of her, but my mother feels slighted, as she wanted to at least buy the crib or something. Basically, I feel like I’m more leaning towards letting my mom be more involved with furnishing as it’s her very first grand child and she hasn’t been able to experience any of this. DH agrees, and we both agree that our decision is final, but now I have to worry about who’s feelings I’m going to hurt.
Any other Bees been in this situation and can offer any advice?
Post # 2
GooteyBootey: I would thank your MIL for her gracious offer and explain that while you greatly appreciate it, your mom had already expressed that she wanted to purchase the crib. There are lots of baby things you’ll need – stroller(s), high chair…all the same, if they’re just going to give you the money, use it as you see fit!
Post # 3
Well similar situation here. except when it came down to actually ordering the furniture MIL had actually asked if she wanted to help. i had told her i would rather have her maybe buy the changing table and maybe a bassinet? seeing as my mom had a eye on a crib and dresser that me and her both LOVED! so she agreed and was more than happy to purchase the bassinet and matching changing table to what my mom had gotten us
Post # 4
Take each set of grandparents shopping for a different item (crib, bassinet, changing table, dresser, etc.). Just tell whichever grandmother you’re with what the most urgent thing you need is and choose it together. It will require some delicate handling, but I would be very obliging since they’re choosing to be so generous.
As a side note, try not to take your mom’s side just because this is her first grandchild. I’m not sure I think it’s fair to say that your MIL shouldn’t get as many opportunities to be involved in your child because she has another grandchild. Wouldn’t you be upset or feel slighted if she chose to be completely uninvolved in your child because he/she is not the first? Try to appreciate that she cares as much as she does.
Post # 5
Why didn’t your Mom speak up when she had the chance if she was thinking that way? I get being gracious, but these are two grown women who I’m sure can work this out in the best way possible for everyone.
If you have to be in the middle, just tell your MIL that your Mom already said she’d be getting the crib, so you were surprised to hear otherwise. Let her get all the other matching pieces if she’d like. That would be the extent of my involvement, if I were you.
Post # 6
GooteyBootey: This is pretty much my story to a t! Our son is the first grandchild on my side and my SIL had a 1 year old when he was born. MIL insisted on buying the crib and I could tell my mom was upset about it. My MIL was adament that she bought the crib for her daughter so she would buy the crib for us so that everything was even for her kids. I was kind of upset because I feel like it is a mother/daughter thing. My mom would never start something so she let it go and bought us our stroller/carseat set.
Now that my son is here the whole crib thing is totally in the past. I know my mom still feels bad (though not a “grandma war”) but it is because my MIL is retired and watches the baby twice a week for us. My mom is still working and lives an hour away. MIL has also made a few comments here and there about not knowing how to share grandchildren. SIL’s husband’s family is not in the picture really, so she has her granddaughter to herself. My mom and I are very close and she makes sure she sees my son at least once a week.
Post # 7
GooteyBootey: I think it’s great you have so many people offering to foot the bill.
I think it’s super sweet that your mom wants to. That said- if MIL offered first- let her pay for the nursery furniture– there are SO many things your mom can get for baby- so many different ways for her to spoil her first grandchild.
Post # 8
Both my and DH’s parents live hours away from us and we live in a small 2-bedroom apartment so we plan on purchasing a minimal amount of baby gear. In order to premtively avoid thex grandma wars DH and I figure that if either set of parents offer to get stuff we’ll ask them to get things like a pack and play, car seat and high chair for their houses so that we can comfortably take the train up to visit without bringing a ton of stuff. This way they all feel like they contributed equally and our apartment isn’t overflowing with nursery furniture. We can then choose and pay for our own peices only when we need them.
Post # 9
GooteyBootey: I had no idea this was a thing! FI and I planned on paying for everything ourselves. You’re very lucky to have people who care.
I agree I wouldn’t want to get involved, if your mom wanted to buy the crib why didn’t she say anything? I guess you can tell MIL she is buying it/bought it but was too shy to say so? Hmmm, if I were you I would tell my mom to call my MIL.
Post # 10
I had no idea this was a thing. Personally, if you want to avoid conflict tell them both thank you for your offer but DH and I have decided to purchase the nursery furniture ourselves. We wouldn’t want any future children to feel slighted because Grandma got the first one a nice present and not the others. And go about your day. That is what I would do as I wouldn’t be comfortable with anyone spending that kind of money on my child. But maybe that is just me.