Post # 1
I don’t even want to bother with the wedding anymore.
My mother is making me crazy, she leaves voicemails and sends me nasty emails all the time about what an embarrasment I am, how I don’t deserve to have a wedding in the first place and how my horribly scandalous wedding is only going to bring shame on the family.
What’s the scandalous part of the wedding you ask? That it isn’t an Indian wedding, that I don’t want to sit on a stage for four days decked out in heavy jewelry with a veil over my head and stare at the ground, the fact that I have bridesmaids, the fact that I will be wearing a white dress, the fact that there will be a cocktail hour between the ceremony and reception, the fact that FI and I are having music and a dancefloor, the fact that I am not driving 1.5 hours to my parents house and sleeping on the FLOOR because their guest room will be occupied by my grandparents the night before the wedding…and the wedding venue is 20 minutes from my house. And being mad about a dance floor is ridiculous because btw, my brother is a DJ so he will be spinning at the wedding.
I’m not having an Indian wedding because culturally I’m not Indian! MY FI isn’t anything remotely resembling Indian or even South Asian, and I’ve never been heavily involved in the Indian community or culture myself. I don’t see any reason to fake it now or to subject myself to rituals and traditions that I neither understand or enjoy.
Every time she finds something new to hate, which is about five times a day, she leaves another nasty message on my voicemail (I don’t take her calls more than once every two days now) and after leaving a nasty message she ends with "I’m paying for this so I should be able to decide how it runs." She’s not paying for it at all, they offered to give us 10K which is a lovely gesture but not worth all this drama.
I’m exhausted with dealing with her, I’ve got headaches and I’ve got contant pain in my jaw because it seems I’ve started grinding my teeth.
I’m honestly just dreaming of how much better it would be to pop down to city hall and just have it all done and over with.
Post # 3
So my mommy is also super dramatic and behaving like life is over because I am not planning the wedding of HER dreams. That being said, can you still have your wedding without her financial contribution? If no, then you gotta suck it buddy. if yes, then I think its time you gracefully refused her gift. Then she can just be a guest like everyone else!
Post # 4
I’m not Indian, and the most culture my family has is cocktail weiners at wedding receptions, so I am probably not even qualified to offer this opinion HOWEVER, from what I understand about Indian culture, there are traditions that run extremely deep. Your mother sounds very traditional and it seems like she really will feel shame that you are shunning your culture. I get the impression that you are a more independent spirit and you want to leave all that behind you. Do you think your mother would be willing to compromise at all? If you say, I am willing to do traditions A,B, and C if we can do without traditions X,Y, and Z? Like maybe you could have some henna and wear a sari for your reception, but you don’t have to have the week long festivities and heavy jewelry?
I don’t know what your mother is willing to bend on, but it seems like it’s worth a shot. Aside from money and financing issues for the wedding, I’m sure it’s very painful for her to feel like her daughter is turning her back on her heritage.
Post # 5
So sorry to hear this. (((Hugs))) Please don’t let this ruin what will be a happy day for you and your FI. It sounds like maybe some other family members (brother, father?) are being supportive, can you lean on them a little more? And do you have any extended family that could help you here? I know my uncles and aunts are pretty helpful in reigning in my mom’s insanity around our wedding.
It sounds like you are already making this as good for yourself as you can by avoiding her calls and refusing her monetary help. I think that’s a good plan. But it also sounds like you need to feel a little more at peace with the decision not to please your mother with this. I’m not saying that’s easy, it’s not, but maybe it would help to talk through your tensions a little more with a close friend or counselor. Just so you can say out loud all of your frustrations instead of holding them in and letting them take a toll on your body.
BTW, unrelated to the wedding, you might want to see a dentist about the grinding thing. It can do some pretty serious and long term gum damage…they will likely make you a night guard to prevent the grinding from ruining the surface of your teeth and stressing your gums. Obviously the ideal solution would be to not have this tension in the first place, but believe me the physical consequences are not worth it in the short term.
Post # 6
I think one of the problems is that if you take the money you are obligated to take your parents’ wishes into account, and probably to observe some of the traditions. If you don’t take it, you’re free of their monetary influence (although I’m sure not free of their emotional influence). I think compromising might be the key, but if you’re simply not willing to do that, I would just tell your mother, kindly, that while you love her very much, you are having the wedding that you want and will not observe the Indian traditions, but you nonetheless hope that she will be a part of the day. This si a really tough situation. Good luck hon.
Post # 7
Good luck! I don’t really have any advice to offer. A friend of mine is Indian, and from what I get, it’s a HUGE deal to have an Indian wedding. But since her parents are giving her money, she’s obliged to have two ceremonies. She’s doing an Indian one at whatever time is the "lucky" time the guru said, and then a break, then her American ceremony. Could you oblige and have both, maybe scaled down a little bit? Wear a sari, the veil, the jewelry, then change? I have heard that not honoring your culture is considered majorly taboo in the Indian cultures. At least from what I get from my friend, it’s a humongo deal. Even if it isn’t a big deal to you, it may be a great deal to your mom if she offers to pay for that aspect. I know indian weddings are elaborate and very expensive. But if it’s not your thing, then it’s not your thing. And if you don’t want to do it, you shouldn’t HAVE to do it.
I had TMJ from all the grinding of my teeth. The headaches were awful. They put me on some pricey medicine, and i wear a mouth guard occassionally, so I think you should look into it for precautionary measures.
Wish I had more to offer but just some hugs
Post # 8
first off I am sorry you are feeling so down. It is your big day and you should be excited about it. THere are so many good suggestions. What if you did two weddings. What if you did the traditional wedding thing with just your immediate family and then did your own wedding the way you wanted. I am not sure how much that would cost but it could probably be done.
Whatever you choose, I hope you choose what will make you and your FI happy and that it will be a HAPPY start to your marriage:)
Post # 9
So sorry you have having to go through this. You have gotten some great advice already. If I were dealing with this, I would ask Mom what THE most important tradition is, and find a way to incorporate it. If she doesn’t feel it’s enough of a compromise, gently tell her that you are giving her as much as you can and that risking your relationship with her AND your health is not worth if for one day, and encourage her to choose the thing you willl do to honor her and your family’s culture.
Hopefully she will see the light. I wish you the best.