Post # 1
My fiance has 3 sister, lucky me! It seems as though the youngest sister may have some ill feelings towards me that I was not aware of. She had texted me a few months back asking if I had chosen a flower girl dress (her youngest is going to be a flower girl) and I told her I did but am always looking for something nicer and more affordable and to let me know of anything she finds. I admit this was my mistake, as I have been warned in the past of letting people have opinions about your wedding decisions, if you do not go with what they had in mind. She ended up sending me a bunch of dresses from random websites I’ve never heard of and dresses that looked like they were atleast 10 yrs past their trended time. I spent a lot of time searching these sites but could not find anything I liked. Alas, I sent a kind email stating if we could not find something I like better in the next few weeks, I’ll just go with the dress I had in mind prior and I will pay for half of it. The dress was $150, which I uderstood was a bit pricey, thus why I told her we’d split it, each paying $75. The dresses she was sending me were in the 50-90 price range so I figured this would not be an issue. Well, she never responded to me and I took this as a bad sign and kep telling my fiance I thought something was up but had no proof as of yet.
A week goes by and she calls my fiance and tells him I am ridicuolous, unreasonable, the dress is cheap, its too expensive and it will tear before the end of the night, her daughter will be uncomfortable, etc. etc. She sounded very defensive over the phone and did not mention once that I told her I’d pay for half of it. My fiance brought it up that I would pay for half but after that she kept bringing up the other reasons why she did not like it. As you can imagine, I was very upset about the phone call because she completely cut off communication with me and never told me she was unhappy with it. After he got off the phone I had a feeling she had told all of her sisters and my future in laws the same story (minus what I said I’d pay for) The next day I decided it was best to call her and get everything cleared up. It did not go well. She said she had called her sisters and mother about it, and came to the conclusion that I was unreasonable. I was extremely hurt that she went and told everyone what was going on without letting me know she even had an issue so that I could help her out with her concerns. I told her to let me know what she feels comfortable paying and I will pay the rest.
After that my fiance called his sisters and mother to set the record straight because she forgot to tell all of them that her portion was $75, that I was paying half. Nope, not one mention at all. My FMIL is a hobby seamstress and also told her that she did not have to worry about the dress ripping or being uncomfortable a week prior to when she called my fiance with her “reasons” becuase the dress was made of the higher end fabric. All of them said once they knew I told her I’d pay for half the dress that I was not being unreasonable and that she did not tell them that. I think she was trying to make me look like a pretnetious brat with no concerns for her budget. As you can iamgine I was very hurt and felt what she did was intentionally mean and was tring to create a division.
We mentioned to her a while back about her eldest daughter possibly being a bridesmaid depending on how our numbers worked out but told her many times to not say anything to her because we did not want her daughter to be upset if we did not end up having her in our wedding party (she’s 16 and so her daughter wouldnt have expected it but we thought it could be a nice suprise for her if it worked out.) Well in our conversation over the phone she asked about her eldest daughter and wanted to know the price of that dress. I told her that we should focus on the flower girl dress and not bother with that right now and that it might be best to not go there because of the issues that have arose with this. Well my fiance found out that she went home the very same day and told her daughter. My fiance said that we told her to not say anything and she said “I know but I got too excited”. Well after that, of course I did not want her daughter to feel like her mom’s actions had anything to do with her being in the wedding party and that I was leaving her out or punishing her so I told her that this was the certain dress I chose and if she was not happy with it to please not feel obligated to participate and we can forget all of this happened and look forward to our wedding day. I also offered to pay for this dress as well. We asked my FSIL and her middle daughter a while back to sing a duet at our wedding. I really wanted to get all of her family involved in some way because I knew it meant a lot to them
The morning after our conversation I informed her that I would pay for the flower girl dress so that there were no ill feelings towards the situation. Well she never said thank you or apologized for telling her family things that were not true. Needless to say I am very hurt and find myself struggling to be okay with the situation. I feel going forward that I cannot trust her and need to be very careful about anything I do or say infront of her. Does anyone have advice or a similar situation? Please no judgemental posts or comments!
Post # 3
I say continue on as before (since now whatever you say or do that leads to her and her children having a smaller role in the wedding can and will be used against you), but just be careful not to let her in any further than she is now.
And everyone is aware of the fact that she has issues with you, so they’ll understand. Just go on and enjoy your wedding planning!
Post # 4
@Asichka: Thanks, that’s what I’m thinking. It’s just unfortunate that I’m going into a marriage with an issue with any of his family members..
Post # 5
Ok that was long. But listen, you are always going to have issues with his sister. It’s up to you to chose how you deal with her in the future. I’m kind of in a similar situation with my FSIL.
My wedding is in May, but I am having my bachelorette party in 2 weeks. Why? Because FSIL wanted to be involved and we decided that we would move up the party so she could fly in and participate and go dress shopping for my BM’s.
Well it has been hell getting his side of the family to stick to their rsvp. It’s like none of them have any etiquette. Well aside from the fact that my MIL invited herself along with her 2 sisters, FSIL sent the meanest text I have ever received. I had been having issues with people asking me (THE FREAKIN’ BRIDE) if they could pay for the party late (going on a wine tasting tour). I reluctantly said yes, but thinking about it I changed my mind as I didn’t want to be responsible for the charges if this person was not able to pay me back.
Well once she got wind of what was going on she sent a group text to me and a few of her family members:
While I’m excited to come to California to help with the wedding planning, my main reason for coming is to spend time with my family. Since my entire family won’t be attending this bachelorette party I don’t want to go anymore. I would rather save my money and use it elsewhere, I’m on a budget guys… Sorry!!
Well, as you can imagine, I was extremely hurt and pissed. Oh let’s not forget about the fact that I BOUGHT HER PLANE TICKET!!! I let it be known how hurt I was and she eventually called to half apoligize. She said that she didn’t mean it that way bla bla bla… BS, but i forgave her because I don’t want to start WW3 with his family.
So I get it, I get that his sister is treating you like garbage. It’s your wedding, why is this person treating you this way? Because she’s a brat and you’re stuck with her for life now.
You need to ignore her tantrum. Pay for the dresses. And suck it up. Because if you don’t, this drama will just continue.
But now you know how she is and I bet you won’t make those mistakes again.
Post # 6
@Artificial-Sweetener: Not nice that she decided not to go on a flight you paid for but I would never even bother asking my future sister in law about paying to go anywhere or do anything, because I already know it would not go over well. Simply all she needs is a dress.. but even that is too much to ask, when I have offered to pay for it. She ended up saying that she just did not like the price of the dress though she was not paying for it, but my mother is convinced that she didn’t like the flower girl dress and wanted to pick it out herself. But it would be no fun for a bride if everyone else chose your wedding for you.
Post # 7
I have come to the conclusion that FSILs are just tough. I have had problems with mine and almost everybody I’ve ever talked to who was planning a wedding has had one problem or another with a FSIL. I think for them it’s just a hard time. Jealousy, attention, losing a brother, compet – things like that make it hard for them to be happy for us.
It sounds to me like your FSIL was picking a fight for no reason. I think she just wanted to be mad at you and wanted to tell her family how horrible and unreasonable you are. She might be jealous, she might have wanted some attention, she might feel like she is being left out or she might just be a generally unpleasent person.
I think it has very little to do with the dress at all and I think you handled it graciously and generously. Personally, I would have been tempted to not have a flower girl and tell her, her children are not in the wedding anymore. But, with in-laws taking the high road is always always always better.
My FSIL made me out to be a horrible, controling, bridezilla because I told her that her friend (who neither my fiance or I know) would not be invited to the wedding. How not inviting a total stranger to the most important day of our lives is controling and nasty I dont know but according to her it was. She told her mother about it she told her father about it she told everybody who would listen. Fortunately for me everybody realized she was being a little brat and ignored it and it eventually blew over and she is now being super nice to me.
I think FSILs lost their minds a little bit and you should just ignore it 🙂 I know it’s easier said than done and that what you FSIL did was super hurtful but, you did nothing wrong.
Post # 8
@March1stBride: Thanks for your understanding! Your future SIL sounds like a looney. Even the craziest SIL’s wouldn’t assume to invite someone the bride and groom did not know and force it upon them. Yikes, I’m sorry to hear that she even got mad about that and tried to defend herself. My FSIL was actually very kind and cordial with me up until that point, so I was so shocked when my FI got a call from her. I think she is use to running the roost with her family as I’ve seen she has her parents wrapped around her finger and her other sisters are very laid back. It’s funny that they believe they are entitled to making decisions about their brother’s weddings. I don’t have a brother so I don’t know but I could see myself getting worried about a new sister coming into the family and worried about losing my “place” but there is a right and wrong way to go about things.
Post # 9
@smarie13: I totally agree. I don’t have a brother either so I guess I don’t get it.
My FSIL was amazing and sweet and fun until we got engaged. I mean it was like two different people. Before engagement we were friends and had a ton of fun together and now she seems to hate me. Oh well though, I’m hoping it will blow over when she sees that I’m not trying to take anybodys place.
But, let’s both continue being the bigger people lol I don’t want to statrt anything that cannot be repaired. Our FSILs, as much as they drive us crazy, are going to be our family afterall 🙂
Post # 10
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I briefly was super horrible to my now SIL. I actually introduced her to my brother. SHe was a VERY close friend and I’m really close to my brother and it was bizarre how sad and angry I was when they got engaged. It felt like I was losing BOTH of them. I eventually sucked it up, but there was one holiday season when I was not very nice to her. 🙁
That being said, this dress thing is soooo dumb. Not being honest about you offering to pay is just manipulative. Hopefully in the future you won’t have to deal with her very much.