Post # 1
I’m getting married on September 14th. My future sister in law is a very “must be in the center of attention” kind of person and likes to be in control. During the last 18 months of preparation for the big day she has not offered help past the “let me know if you need anything” casual remark. But the last week and a half has been a flood of drama. It started when she wanted to have a dinner the night before the wedding for just my fiance’s side of the family. My mom has been planning a big casual barbeque for everybody since she has a big back yard. His sister took offense and started lecturing about how the groom’s parents should pay for the rehersal dinner (they don’t have the money) and that we should have had his other sister’s daughter (whom we’ve seen a haldfull of times) be the flower girl instead of my niece who my fiance has been there for her since she was born. My response was that this should have been brought up six months ago. The SIL then decided to team up with my mom in planning,which my mom is all for. Then today happened.
My SIL has a friend who she wanted to invite to the wedding. She mentioned it once months ago and we said we would think about it. We didn’t invite her. We found out through my mom that the SIL though her friend was invited. My fiance called and gently informed her that we don’t know that well and budgeted for a smaller wedding so sorry she isn’t invited. We found out that this friend is considered by her to be family since she is her husband’s cousin. Through two rambeling voice mails she stated that she is too offended to help out my mom with the bbq but she will come. She went on about how we aren’t compromising on how she wants to help and that my family has been given more importance over his family and basicially blammed all the decisions on me. This really hurt my feelings. Yes, my family is more included than my fiance’s but that’s because my family is more close knit where his is a bit estranged from one another. And we have been compromising when it comes to his family. We invited his sister’s parent in laws to be diplomatic and invited aunts and uncles my fiance hasn’t spoken to in years to be polite. And my fiance has been involved in every decison about the wedding except for the bouquets and my dress. So to assume that her recent plans were put down because of me just isn’t true. We both made a decsion about who was invited. Right now I’m hurt but I think she’s being childish becasue she can’t get her way. I have no idea how to respond to her. What do you think?
Post # 2
daenerys30: You don’t respond at all. She is your fiance’s sister, so he responds to her.
He tells her that if she won’t help with the rehearsal dinner he understands, but he can’t change the guest list. And (most importantly) he tells her that he is 100% in support of the guest list. Husband’s cousin doesn’t get an invite, sorry. (In fact you didn’t need to invite the sister’s parents-in-law either, even though you did).
Post # 3
aussiemum1248: +1. wasting energy in her by being hurt over her manipulatve behavior…why? You’re giving into her making herself the center of attention. She’s is playing you brillantly.
Post # 4
If she wants a wedding, let her plan her own! I agree do not respond allow your FI to handle her. She may think what she wants, she will anyway – remember perception is the truth to most, you and your FI know the actual truth let that be enough. Just say no and treat her like the child she is emulating! If she wants to through a tantrum then politely ask her to leave and remind her to accept the fact that this time it’s not about her. With people like that you have to set very strict boundaries, she acts the way she acts because she gets away with it, this may become an ongoing issue if you do not handle it firmly and promptly. She probably mostly does it around her family, as out there in the real world this kind of behavior is unacceptable. Good luck and stand unyielding in your decisions!
Post # 5
We’ve been subjected to a SIL, who frequently says atrocious things, for over 30 years (25 married). She should have been put her in her place repeatedly, but we just avoid her, to keep from telling her off, or becoming a victim, once again, of her narcissism and histrionics.
Luckily, they moved hafway across the country, over 11 years ago. I stated then that “no one is going to force me to see that woman, ever again,” and I haven’t. On a visit 5 years ago (I was absent), it was the same-ole-same-ole, and my husband said “no woman I can’t stand is going to keep me away from seeing my brother.”
But it has. None of my family feels comfortable around them, or wants to be around them (including my adult children), so there is no relationship at all, anymore.
You have to “nip this in the bud,” or you will be enabling and therefore encouraging this type of behavior, for the rest of your lives. And everyone will be suffering, for it.
Post # 6
bklynbridetobe: im hurt but not showing it to her. My fiancé is going to try to talk to her tomorrow
Post # 7
My fiance’s family sounds really similar to yours – more estranged, where mine is much closer. I have a similar SIL situation — but from the beginning we agreed that my fiance would deal with his family and I would deal with mine. This is going to cause me way more tears and headaches than it will him but since my SIL to be has thrown temper tantrums at multiple weddings I’m glad I’m not him. Good luck!