SIL from H#*! – advice!

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
6951 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Ms. Stallion:  She dies not sound like a reasonable person. If you are not looking for an apology I’m not sure what is supposed to happen after you tell her how hurt you were. She doesn’t sound like someone who will calmly take it. She will get defensive or angry. Personally, if I insisted on a relationship with her I’d just consider everything water under the bridge and just use this coffee date to catch up and move on. 

Post # 4
1259 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Ms. Stallion:  I think you’re doing the right thing. Just be careful how you word things. If you do decide to explain why you were so hurt, don’t start with that. Start the conversation with the fact that you want to move forward. Really emphasize that point. If she does get on the defensive and worked up, try to stay calm and keep things civil. Good luck!

Post # 5
1494 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

If im correct this incident was 6 months ago, right? I think that’s water under the bridge and nothing good will come of entioning it, it’s clear she’s a drama queen and will just make a scene.

Post # 6
1834 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Ms. Stallion:  Focus on moving forward. Rehashing the past will only cause more drama.

Post # 7
3586 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

If she’s as bad as you describe, I’m sure she feels she’s done nothing wrong, and is expecting you to apologize.  

Post # 8
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

If she asks why what she did upset you then of course you should explain your feelings to her, but if she doesn’t ask I don’t think I would bring it up. I would maybe talk to her about how you know that the relationship has been rocky, but knowing that you have a second niece or nephew on the way makes you realize that you and your DH want to be apart of not only the babies’ lives, but also her and your BIL’s. I don’t think she will be reasonable enough to accept you telling her why she upset you.

Post # 10
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church

@Ms. Stallion:  Good for you for deciding to be the bigger person! I think you’re right on when you suggested that you should just move past it and try to be cordial. I would just make it known to her that you do not expect a deep and meaningful relationship, but that you would like to at least avoid awkwardness at family gatherings. 

Post # 11
7915 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

@Ms. Stallion:  I would suggest NOT getting into your beef. Just try and see if you can make nice chit chat, and let her know  youd like to bury the issues so theres no divisions in the family. 

Post # 12
9859 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

I would go and treat it as starting fresh.  I would say hello, sit down, and say something like ‘i’m glad we can do this, I really hope we can start fresh and leave the past behind us.  How are you and the baby doing?’

Post # 13
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Ms. Stallion:  This person has already demonstrated that she enjoys drama, is unreasonable, uses her children in power plays and looks for reasons to be upset. Why on earth would you expect her to care about your feelings? 

Frankly, your BIL is a complete idiot to allow this woman to “oops” him a second time. It’s a shame. It’s unlikely their marriage will last. Frankly, I’d write off a relationship with the kids. The more atached you or your in-laws get , the more power you give her. 

Meet sith her since you’ve set the date and focus on moving forward. Above all, don’t trust her.

Post # 14
236 posts
Helper bee

I work in a very confrontational line of work and my general advice is always keep your cool.  If you are tempted to say something, take your time and think it through.  If you don’t lose your cool and say anything off the cuff, you are likely to have anything to regret or add any fuel to the fire.  Good luck, it sounds like you’re being very rational and reasonable about this whole terrible situation.

Post # 15
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Ms. Stallion:  I think you’re totally going about this the right way. I would start by saying something like, “I know we’ve had our differences, but I don’t want to argue about who has been right or wrong before… I just want to move forward.” 

Then she can address anything she feels the need to, now that you’ve broken the ice. Hopefully she’ll just agree with that and you can move on to the next part…

Small talk. Try to chat about things you would with someone you just met on the train. Recent movies, things around the house, etc.

I would try to keep it a bit short too. It’s easier to keep it pleasant that way. Afterwards, when you see her you can give her a quick, “Hi, how’s things? Did you end up seeing that movie?”

However, I would continue to keep her at arms length. I think you’ve been handling this very well and will continue to do so. 🙂


Just a side note. Your story sounds verbatim EXACTLY like my younger brother and his gf. Shockingly similar. He was 21 and she was 30 (with a 6 year old) when they met. They have a volatile relationship with a constant break up/get back together cycle. Everyone was very worried when they got pregnant and their daughter was immediately seized by CPS when she was born. They have her back now, she will turn 3 this year. They are as unstable as ever and I keep hearing that they are expecting another baby now. 🙁 She sends awful texts to my mom all the time, calling her stupid and threatening to not let her see the baby. My mom just responds, “K” or something similar. It’s hard to see.

My brothers gf and I haven’t had any big blowouts, but I have slowly distanced myself until we stopped speaking altogether. I was/am working full time, had a new puppy, was planning a wedding, and my MIL was very very ill(she passed away during our engagement)… I didn’t have time for it so I stepped back. 

Post # 16
689 posts
Busy bee

I applaud you for trying to make this work. It takes a lot of character to do what you are doing. However, don’t completely put your guard down. 

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