- 3 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
Ok, I typed this out once- it’s too long for anyone to ever read.
My brother’s wife is a mentally ill drug addict. I have no pity for her. She is an evil, manipulative, emotionally abusive witch. I’ve had many mentally ill people in my life- and I’ve never thought less of them for this- but she is just a generally unlikable horrid person.
I can deal with not liking her, not agreeing with her way of life.But, she is a wrotten evil person. She is at fault for a lot of horrible things.
But, I’ve not seen my brother in over a year and a half. He brought his 2 kids and wife home this past week for the 4th of July (they live on the other side of the country) and our dad’s wedding. She knew she was not wanted around our family- but no one is confrontational- and would’ve treated her very well. But, she avoided almost every possible family function that there was (which- I wasn’t that upset about to be honest).
My poor brother. I am so sick over how unhappy he is. She has ruined his finances. He’s so ashamed of his life. Now, I’m not saying that he is not at fault…. he sat back and for some unknown reason trusted her to take care of finances…. He’s always made really good money- and then got laid off back when everyone and their brother were laid off about 3 years ago= He got really depressed and to relieve his stress she took over the finances- and since then- he’s not had a penny to his name. He was out of a job on and off for about a year. He has a steady union job now (and has for about 2 years) – and makes 90-100k.
They live in basically a hotel- have an old beater van (and didn’t have a car at all for over a year or more)- and NO posessions other than clothes. I know they have HUGE medical bills from an accident that happened due to her negligence- but let’s be real… they’re no paying them….that has altered the life of my 2 yr old nephew.
He was scared to come home b/c he was always the one of the family with LOTS of money in the bank (it’s all relative….I’m from a lower middle class family). My grandparents are the cosigners on his student loans- and he’s not paid them since Dec 2011. SHE says they’ve paid them, made arrangements to pay them, blah blah blah…. yet my grandparents retirement money is being threatened up until recently when my parents (who don’t have the money to cover it… are scraping it together )
I’ve been hard on him in the past. He KNOWS better than how he is living- and I’ve always been that person in my family who kinda is the reality check.. If I see someonoe doing something that they know is wrong. I usually (as nicely as I can) tell them. I’ve had to do it to both of my parents and now my brother. I guess I don’t realize often how much it gets to them. I can be very harsh- but we’ve been raised to do the right thing no matter what.. but I’m afraid that I’m part of the reason that he feels ashamed. The bad thing- he feels helpless- so as much as he is ashamed- he doesn’t see any way out.
While he was home- his wife was not around much… she was…. who knows where. She has a nasty drug habit (and what’s worse- can’t fess up to it…. we can all see it- she has no teeth anymore and marks all over her arms- she has aged atleast 10 years in the last 2 years). If she wasn’t around he was the normal brother we know and loved. Joked around, was fun, happy smiled laughed, was honery. It was so good to see. His best friends were with him on the 4th and I literally bawled b/c I miss that part of him. the second she called, texted or showed up where he was (which she’s of that teenage mentality of obsessively calling, stalking, showing up, needing constant attention) he would shut down. Its so sad.
We’ve never been like the type to tell each other everything- but I’ve always been the big sister who taught him stuff- hard to explain. I’m the brains and he’s the brawn. I’ve always been the one to teach him how to dress, how to treat girls, how to be cool, how to fix his hair, how to do his homework and he was my baby brother who was a foot taller than me- the one that can always aggrivate me but make me laugh more than anyone else. the one that reminded me not to take everything so serious. So now I just want to fix this and make him stop hurting. That’s my other role in my family. I’m the only one of the four of us that is emotionally stable. I have a gift of knowing when someone is out of balance- and how to get them back. I am the problem solver/peace keeper. This is beyond me though. She’s brainwashed him and more evil than I know how to deal with. I had one conversation with her at the wedding and it turned into why I am such a horrible person…. I don’t deal with that kind of BS…. I’m not perfect- but I’m pretty genuinely a decent person…. her words don’t really hurt me- but I know they do him.
I don’t even know what to do for him. He lives on the other side of the country. Even if he leaves her- he can’t leave the state that they live in b/c of the kids. IDK how divorces/custody works- but as wrotten of a mother as I think she is- I don’t know if he’d be able to fully prove that she is unfit in a legal sense (she’s not dumb- I THINK she’d clean up after he filed) (although— if he had a good enough lawyer- he could- she’s a warm body at best- and has had her other 4 children taken away at other points in her life). She’s not going to willingly let go of him. He is her total trophy husband. He’s a morally good guy, never been in trouble with the law, clean cut, good looking, great father and makes great money so she can stay home and spend every penny they have as soon as he makes it.
She refuses to get help of any kind. He’s begged her (I’d guess she knows any therapist will address her drug addiction- and she doesn’t want anyone to know that she has one EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE KNOWS). He atleast recognizes that HE needs help. I talked to him about how abusive I see his relationship and how it kills me to see him in that much misery. I told him that my husband and I would do absolutely anything for him and the kids (my husband LOVES the kids… they’re absolutely adorable and so so innocent- my niece is so smart- I’m partial and think she is a genius- I’m a elementary teacher- and would LOVE to get my hands on her little brain lol— She’s 3 and I’m certain I could have her reading in no time!!)
What do I do for my poor brother? I feel like I need to go to therapy for this whole situation- and I’m not even REALLY involved. I just want for him to be happy and live his life as the person that I know that he is. It absolutely kills me that he openly told me how ashamed he is of what he has become. He is a good man. He tries to be a good husband and father- but obviously has something wrong in his head where he doesn’t think that he can leave her. He says he loves the person she was when they were dating- and loves her for being the mother of his children- but the person that she has become (drugs and let down the wall of mental illness that she hid) he hates.
What can I do???
Ugh… so I deleted my long post and now this is long. Sorry