Post # 1
It is 25 days until my brother’s wedding and I am still not invited…
10 months ago I found out I was pregnant while living with both my brother and boyfriend. My brother decided it was best we find another place to stay, which put us in a very tight position financially. 3 months after that I was laid off from my job. I had to reevaluate my finances and decided to tell my brother I could no longer be a bridesmaid in his Sept. wedding. At first he understood where I was coming from, but after talking to his fiance, she uninvited me from the wedding via TEXT saying I am not welcome and I should respect her decision. All I wanted in the first place was to have my decision respected and not be in the wedding party, but still attend their wedding.
Since then I have not recieved an invitation or an apology. I know that my brother will show up sometime soon and fork over an invitation because my mom is pushing him to. His fiance couldn’t even tell me to my face, and we previously had a healthy relationship. I was actually the one to convince my brother to propose since they were together for 5 years..so she has me to thank. I have already made up my mind and will not attend the weddding and instead tend to my 3mo. old babygirl. It is just a big shame all our family is coming from out of town for the wedding and to see my new baby. This is the first family fued and she is to blame for causing this bad blood. I am tied between going to the wedding just for my family’s sake and acting like nothing happened OR not going, because I will not let her feel like her actions were acceptable without her taking accountability for how she hurt me and my family. My brother has been a doormat to his fiance since they got engaged, so I am hurt that he would not even stand up to her and tell her how wrong she was for uninviting me. Not even my parents have said anything to his fiance because they are afraid that there will not be a wedding. I’ve been feeling alone on my side, but I really don’t see what I did wrong. It is an option to stand up in a wedding, not an obligation. And I felt like my excuse was the best in the book- pregnant and unemployed seems like a good enough reason to not stand up in a wedding. I’ve always supported their relationship until this point. Don’t even know who this woman is that is about to marry my brother. She has shown her true colors.
Post # 2
Kmama: what a B.
Honestly, that is pretty messed up to shun someone out like that for trying to explain their financial hardship.
I am surprised at your brother’s behavior in this. Has he told you to just go anyway? Since you were considering going, or was that your parents pushing you to go?
Honestly, if it was me i would probably go only because i would want to be there for my brother and see all my family, however if you think it would cause more drama or that she would cause a scene on the day, i wouldn’t attend.
Post # 3
Sounds like a shitty situation. However, if they DO invite you to the wedding, I really think you need to go. Be the bigger person and be there for your brother. I think you’ll regret it if you don’t go. Ideally, this is the only wedding your brother will have, so you should be there for him.
Post # 4
Either she’s actually deranged or there’s something missing.. Its completely whack to ‘allow’ your FI to disinvite your sister to your wedding. Is it at all possible that he doesn’t know she did this? If he does know, what reasoning did she give him to justify it? Did anything else happen around the time you stepped down from being in the bridal party? This just seems so ridiculous.
If you get an invite, attend. Its so much fun to be the bigger person.
Post # 5
It really sounds like there is something missing from this story. You politely told your brother you could not be a bridesmaid due to financial hardship, he said he understood, then later you recieved a text message from his fiance saying you are no longer welcomed at the wedding? If that’s really all that happened, she’s an insane person. But I suspect something else happened in between…
Post # 6
Kmama: hmmm. Did you tell your brother’s fiance personally that you didn’t want to be a bridesmaid? or did you just tell your brother and let him break the news? I could *possibly* see why she would be miffed if you just had your brother say “my sister doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid because of x, y and z”. that should have been a conversation you had with her directly. If you had a good relationship, you should have approached her and explained why you weren’t comfortable being in the wedding, and then thanked her for asking you to be a part of their day. Assuming you just had a conversation with your brother and not with his fiance, I could totally see that being an issue.
Post # 7
I don’t mean to project, but…
Is it possible you outstayed your welcome at your brother’s and it was causing tension? (I assume you were living with him because of the word choice- HE decided you needed a new place to stay.) I wouldn’t like to live with my pregnant/soon-to-be-parent sibling and their significant other either.
Were you treating the wedding as an “introduce baby to the world” event? Because it’s not. It’s a nice side event, but it’s not the main show. I say this because of this sentence right here: “It is just a big shame all our family is coming from out of town for the wedding and to see my new baby.” That could cause hurt feelings, especially if you were “baby this, baby that.”
I’m not saying you shouldn’t be invited- I think you should be!- but it seems like we’re missing something here. It’s irrational behavior otherwise.
Post # 8
At the end of the day your brother is allowing for this. Because my SO could not and would not DARE send my sibling a text like that.
Post # 9
Apple_Blossom: I agree 100%, about the importance of a wedding vs. meeting a baby.
My niece wanted to bring her uninvited toddler, to my daughter’s wedding. She thought it would be a great opportunity for him to meet relatives. We put our foot down. Of course, she didn’t invite children to her wedding …
Post # 10
Kmama: I agree that there must be something else going on here, otherwise your FSIL is nuts.
If you do receive an invite, I would go. The reason being that hopefully this is just a huge misunderstanding or a girl who can’t handle the stresses of planning a wedding and is letting it get to her head, overwhelm her and make bad decisions. I could see this blowing over and you guys resolving this down the line, and being incredibly remorseful that you missed your brother’s wedding because you were being stubbon. Not that you don’t have a fair excuse to be upset…but for the future of your family, this is an event that I don’t think you should miss if you finally do receive an invite.
Have you spoken to your brother at all to understand what her motivation is? It doesn’t make any sense. It’s so sad when people let petty drama cloud what should be a really positive celebration.
Post # 11
Kmama: It sucks that your brother is marrying such a witch. I hope your brother does the right thing and invites you.
If not, can you at least go to the ceremony? You don’t need an invitation for a ceremony.
Post # 12
Apple_Blossom: Thats what I read into this as well.
I would examin what you have said about the wedding. Was it more along the lines of “I’m so excited for brother and FSIL’s wedding,” or was it “I’m so excited for everyone to meet my baby at brother and FSIL’s wedding.” It’s selfish to uninvite a family member for it, but you can read any number of threads about how scared brides are about the new baby taking over “their day.” She might feel that you are taking over her time with the new child and the attention that was going to be on her will now be on you and your child. Everyone wants their moment in the sun. I would try to find a time where you can clear the air directly with FSIL and brother.
Post # 13
I feel liket here’s a dynamic between the two of you that is missing in your post.
I aso think that THEIR wdding is not the venue to introduce your baby to the family nd if she feels you are planning on hijacking the wedding I understand her actions. Not saying she’s right, just that if that is how she perceives the situation I would understand her action.
Post # 14
Thanks for your input everyone. Sorry, but in my attempt to make a long story short, I did leave out some details. After I told my brother I didn’t want to stand in the wedding party anymore, he told me if I wasn’t going to be in the party I may as well not attend the wedding.
Two days later I had a conversation with his fiance face-to-face about how I wanted her to see my side being unemployed and pregnant, just as I saw her side as a bride-to-be and was being courteous enough to give her notice 6mo in advance about dropping out. In between that time, my parents begged me to change my mind because they knew my brother and fiance would uninvite me…So just for their sake, they guilted me to stay in the party. When I shared my feelings about the entire situation to my brother, the day after I recieved that ugly text message from his fiance saying “you are not welcome at this wedding. you wanted us to respect your decison to drop out of the party and we want you to respect our for not having you there period.” She was speaking on behalf of my brother too like they made the decision together. But he had no part of it, yet did nothing to stop it.
My brother took my heart-to-heart conversation and mis-communicated back to his fiance to get her upset enough to text me something like that. Either way I felt like I was handling the situation like an adult by openly communicating, and they both acted childish in my eyes. I am in a very awkward situation now, because of course if I do get an invitiation – it is up to me to go. When she won’t even give me a face-to-face to squash the nonsense and invite me herself. If they wanted me at the wedding I would have gotten an invite 4mos ago like everyone else. I never intended the baby to be shown off at the wedding, in fact i don’t even know if she was allowing children since my 5 and 2yr old cousins are not invited. She has not met my daughter yet and has not said hello to me, after having crossed paths at family functions. She obviously is not remorseful for what she has done to my family.
Post # 15
stardustintheeyes: You really do give some interesting perspectives, don’t you.