Weddingbee boards

I need to get some feeback on this one and sorry if it's a dosey..

Finally finding the right man at 38 years old, we have been dating for 1 1/2 years, we got engaged this august.  I am a planner, so i immediately knew where and what i wanted. I spoke to my venue, got my pricing, hotel rates, everything that is needed.  All was good in our world.  I was ready to tell all about our date..

 Now, i'll backtrack - future MIL daughter and finance have been engaged since Nov 08 and future plan was going to be married in spring 2009.  Also FMIL has another son, who is also engaged, and has changed their date about 4 times, due to their circumstances.  No dates were ever set by anyone - just said - 2010 - one in Spring, and the other late Fall.  Again, NO DATES WERE EVERSET. and with the constant changing, who the hell was waiting. 

So fast forward, we get engaged, we and my family are thrilled - my family didn't expect anything less of me than to plan somethng for next year.  So when i told FMIL the date of Summer 2010 - it all started.  Words were exchanged with my fiance - "how can we do this? we are stealing thunder from everyone else - do you think it's right to be before one of them? Everyone will be upset!!

 Now, I have always had a good relationship with his family - UNTIL THIS..  Needless to say, i am so sadden - i have wanted this all my life also, and who is everyone else to put MY Life on hold because they can't nail down a date.  But at this time, one did book their place - and the other ones - who knows.  We are talking about 2 months apart from the first one, and then 4 months till the fall one. Am i wrong for not wanting to move mine?  I am the one with OOT guest and a large family - not his.  We are not going before the sister. The comments that have been said about our date has been so time consuming and full of drama it's ridicilious.  We are 38 years old, not planning on kids, have a house, job. Nothing is stopping us from picking our date except the family drama.  And nobody is paying for our wedding but my parents.!!  

I do not feel you have a year to be "the bride". you have a day, and if it isn't interferring with anyone's else date - who the helk cares.  At the end of the day, is this really going to affect your life? will you be so tramatized that you won't be able to live your life?  if you can't make the shower or parties, that's fine.   can anyone really say they haven't been to a few family weddings in a year?  I am just sick over this, and it has taken the wind out of the big excitement that me & my fiancee had.    What does everything think? i am being "Selfish? unreasonable" for wanting it in 2010?? 

thanks for the feedback

Nope, all his family is local.  just TWO elder family members who will have to travel. (but i think that's their decision to make if they want to attend).  No cultural problems either.  It's all my family that is OOT.  (which is about 60) his is 15!!  He has told his family (in around  bout way). He is furious with his mom over this and hasn't spoken to her - being it all started from there. and she owes him an apology as far as i'm concerned.  He was so happy, and they have made us to feel like we are doing something so horrible.  Nobody has said this to me, which is WHO they should be dealing with, being the girls pick this stuff anyhow.  It's so stupid. I know there are bigger issues to deal with in this world than 3 weddings in one year..

i really don't want to wait 2 years to get married.  It's not like i'm getting younger, and it took forever to find the right man, i don't want to wait any longer to start our lifes together.  I guess his family doesn't see it that way. Just that i'm "Stealing the spotlight" from the 25 year olds, and who are we..  as far as i'm concerned, if that was your priority to get married, your hall would have been booked a while ago.  And who's to say, if for some reason i do change my date until 2011, they could change their date again this october to 2011.  Never in my wildest dreams did i ever see this one coming.

well, i'm glad to see that i'm not being "selfish".  Also, some of the family comments have been "Oh, now they will be # 3 getting married, and it will take away.". . I didn't know it was a numbers game.  But not one family member said "oh, that's great". 

Yes, it's alot in one year and it doesn't happen alot, but i mean really - it's just a wedding.  How will his family be if everyone decides to have babies at the same time. lol.  It's just a shame, cause my fiance just has his family, and this is how they are treating him. I would be saying alot more to them if that was mine, but we all handle it differently.  But whatever happens, happens.  As far as we are concerned, it's already different with them.   

That's what i would have thought they would have said - "okay, it's alot in one year, but it will all be okay" .  Not, "oh, you are going to get married before your brother.  "Oh, you don't want hard feelings going into your new happy life".  WTF who says this!!  i could care less about showers and all that - the invitation doesn't say "Gifts are required" it says "your presence is required".  i mean, there are a few birthdays in the same month - do people get pissed if they have parties the same month?  it's just so insane to me.  I feel bad because my fiance is put in the middle and feels like he can't win no matter what he will say.  I know there is probably going to be talks soon about this, but to me, it's not about ASKING if it's okay.  It's THIS is what's happening - deal with it.  Really, is this something to fight about in the family?  I love everyone's feedback!!  thanks - it is helping!

Oracle - Yes, they want me to wait until 2011 - after all THEIR plans are done. Because the ones who have moved it 4 times in 2 years, think we will "take away" from their wedding in October, and It's "Selfish" of us to have 3 weddings in the same family in one year.  And we are the one's "who just got engaged in August, so why are we rushing".  Can you even believe people say this?  Unless they think our wedding will the be event of the century, i don't know how anyone can steal someone's thunder. it's 4 months after.  If i got engaged in 2010, yeah, i could have waited until 2011.  But that's not what happened, and I certainly don't need 2 years to plan a simple wedding with 60 guests.  The next option is eloping and then we will be doing it before everyone and they can feel the pain that they have caused me & my fiance.   It seems to me, they are only thinking about their feelings, and not ours.  We are mostly all in our late 30's - so you'd think everyone would be happy that we all found happiness.  Guess that's not the case.  

Holy Cow! This is EXACTLY what has happened to us! We are getting married next spring too, and can only do it then or five years (!) from now because I've gone back to school. They had initially said spring or fall 2010, and then they were only talking about fall for the longest time. Once we got engaged, we figured spring was OK and so we set our date when we found the most amazing venue (because of school, this is the only time of year we can do it). Apparently spring was semi"dibs-ed" by them and it became a HUGE thing with my FBIL and his fiance, so we had a sit down with them to discuss the situation. It was very tense and a few hurtful things were said, but fortunatley we are really close with the two of them and all of us are reasonable people so I think things are kind of smoothed over with them. It's not quite the happy, "OMG we're all engaged! So fun!" feelings we had before dates were set, but I think it's a lot better.

You are NOT being selfish. Some people like to get on it and plan (eg. you and me) and some people like to take their time. Neither way is better than the other, but if you want to take your time and change the date all the time, you can't reasonably expect that you get "shotgun" over a whole year or years!

I know it doesn't seem fair, but you were the 3rd one to get engaged, so you have the short end of the stick as far as being concientious of others' dates.   I hate to say it, but you should have talked to everyone before picking a date. Again, its not necessarily fair, but it sounds like you're the oldest and so you should have been the more mature one to broach the conversation.

Also, keep in mind not only do people's emotions run high during weddings, there is A LOT of money involved for a family.  Multiple hotel stays, dresses, gifts, time off work.

Wedding Poodle:  That's the thing - all of his guest live in the area. So there is no hotel, the wedding is low key (no fancy dresses) and they aren't paying for it. My parents are. No time off from work because it's a friday evening. So his family just has to show up.  I don't think this involved a family conversation because no-one had anything nailed down. I move much faster when it comes to decisions - and again, because they felt to wait 2 years or so for theirs, doesn't mean i have to. They didn't say anything about my feelings in this - just that we are wrong.

i also feel that if you can't make it, then you can't.  If everyone planned something around everyone's schedule, then nodody would be showing up to anything in life. lol.  Things happen, and I am not going to put my life on hold because someone can't deal with 2 weddings in one year.  What would happen if we all had kids in the same time frame?  should someone push back the kid?  lol.  it's just so silly to me.

but i'm glad to see that this goes on more than "anyone" knows.

Is his family paying for the rehearsal dinners(for all weddings)? If so, that could be part of the reason they are upset. Those things can be like $2,000, so paying for three of them back to back might be tough. If not, then they are just being jealous babies, and they need to STFU!