Post # 1
So ill try to keep this as short. My Fiance & I moved into our new home in June 2012. In August 2012 his nephew moved in with us as well, b/c of some problems at home. Which I had no problem with, I love his nephew like my own. A few weeks ago our nephew decided to take our car in the middle of the night (he only has his G1, which means he cant drive alone) Long story short my fiance handled the situation and we were hurt b/c we felt taken advantage of.
Anywho, this past weekend my fiance goes out and picks up our nephew and a girl he just started seeing ( im talking 1 week). I was at home with a girlfriend of mine and she was staying over b/c we had some wine. I was getting her set up, upstairs, when my fiance calls me and tells me he is on his way home with our nephew and this random girl ive never met. (This has already happened once before with a different girl and our nephew) I told my fiance I was not comfortable with someone sleeping at our house that I didnt know. He said he wasnt going to let her take the bus home b.c if something happened he would feel responsilbe.(which is understandable). I told him thats true, but that her parents can come pick her up, and shes not our responsibility. He bascially told me that was too bad i felt that way and that our nephew can have her sleep over.
I was pissed to say the least. My fiance came home and with my friend in the room i was whispering that i was not comfortable with this at all, and why he felt like he could allow this to happen when he knew it upset me. Bees, this was my fault for even bringing anything up infront of my friend i feel absoutely stupid and embarrased.
I apoligized to my friend and to my fiance the next day, but we still got into a fight about it after, and I told him, our nehphew having another random girl sleeping at our house isnt happening. This was saturday, Since then my fiance has been giving me the silent treatment and its driving me mental. Im so hurt he wont talk to me and ive been so full of emotion ive tried everything. Ive tried getting him to talk to me, ive freaked out, ive tried acting normal, ive tried doing special things for him, and im embarrassed to say ive unfortunately done the silent treatment back(only lasted a few hours) He still hasnt said anything to me.
I feel like he has shut me out. Its so hurtful. I dont know what else to do?
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
Blegh, sorry I have no advice! But just want to say I agree with you.. that girl’s parents could and should have come and picked their daughter up. I don’t understand why she couldn’t take the bus home, were they drunk? Were they just out late? Or your FI could have dropped her off at her house before bringing back his nephew. It is pretty inappropriate that she stayed over at your house.
Post # 4
I agree with you. It seems like the nephew is taking serious advantage of the situation. I’m not sure how old he is, but considering he’s not old/mature enough to get a place of his own, I would say he’s not old enough for strange girls to come sleep at his place that’s not even his place.
Your fiance is wrong – put your foot down. I would say – stop trying to talk to him. It makes him think he was right and that you were wrong. Give him the cold shoulder back and show him that you are not backing down on this. Your nephew needs boundaries and rules. You guys need to set them if he’s going to live there. What if this was your kid????? Just because it’s HIS nephew doesn’t mean he’s not living under BOTH of your roofs.
Post # 5
Wowza, I totally agree with you! I would definitely not feel comfortable with some random girl sleeping over in MY home, especially if she has someone that can pick her up. I agree with PP that said you should give him the cold shoulder, he is the one at fault here. If you stop talking to him maybe he’ll get it through his head.
Post # 6
mrskopp2be this exactly!! He is acting like a child just to get you to feel bad for what you have done. Dont put up with this shit. He doesnt get to make you feel bad about this at all! He put you in a position where you couldnt voice your opinion.
We had DH nephew live with us for 6 months! honestly it was the worst 6 months of our life together. Nephew is a grown man however. we were only supposed to be helping him out for a month. he didnt pay rent or contribute to bills or for food. he was making 1000 a week. And to top it off went around spreading lies about DH that i hapened to find out about and fronted him and he ended up cryinng and left the next day (was a friday, went to his parents house which is 2hrs away). Told his mum and dad that i was nothing but a super bitch and had kicked him out, they havent spoken to us since. 4yrs ago!!!
honestly you guys need to agree on this. you are doing his family a favour by allowing him to live with you. Your FI needs to learn the differece between being a friend and being a care-giver. you are responsible for him atm. and if your not happy with a certain issue than he needs to take it into account, this is your house and your rules too!
Post # 7
It sounds like you’ve suddenly been put into a parenting position. Understandably, you’re not quite on the same page about how you’re going to parent. You should sit down and talk about what the rules for the nephew will be.
Secondly, if you’ve told your FI you were sorry for fighting in front of your friend, there’s nothing else to do. Regardless of what you did, your FI should never give you the silent treatment. Making a marriage work is all about communicating and working together to solve problems. You may have embarrassed him, but his reaction is unacceptable.
Post # 8
my fi does the silent treatment sometimes, though hes getting better at it
i just wait him out. when hes ready to talk then we discuss the issue properly. im not going to repeatedly apologise (if hes ignored initial apology) or beg for his attention
it is your (plural)place…you should both be able to discuss what you are and arent comfortable with and agree on it. its not for either of you to make unilateral decisions that affect the house
i wouldnt keep doing special things for him. id just stop talking, act normal, he’ll have to talk to you eventually (after making an honest attempt at communicating with him of course)
Post # 9
To me, the situation that needs dealing with isn’t the nephew so much as that your FI thinks that the “silent treatment” is acceptable at all.
It’s one thing to say, “I need to calm down and think about what I want to say before we discuss this,” and to postpone a serious discussion until emotions have cooled. But the silent treatment is something else… it’s not a communication tool–it’s emotional punishment. And that is way out of line and needs to be addressed. It may be that your FI doesn’t realize there’s a difference between these things, but you guys definitely have communication issues you need to address.
Post # 10
You are clearly being parents in this situation, so you need to set down some parenting ground rules. The two of you should come up with the rules of the house, which your nephew needs to abide by. Clearly “no girls sleeping over without 48 hours notice” might be a good one, as “ask before you take” would be too. You both need to have a goal for your nephew by the time he leaves your house. Perhaps to finish school, or to become ready for a job, or to become responsible enough to handle himself in the “real world”.
I would argue, from what you have posted, that your DH is trying to be a friend, rather than a parent/caregiver. He needs to realize that his nephew clearly needs boundaries and rules, and that being his friend will not help his nephew in any way. Also, since there is tension at his home, which is why he is living with you two, has he sought councilling? Your post doesn’t say where you are from, but in Ontario we have G1’s and free therapy if you obtain it through your family doctor (even a walk in can refer you if you don’t have family MD). I think the nephew might need to look into this as a condition of staying.
Post # 11
Clearly there are two problems here, and the one I would be most worried about is the silent treatment thing. A mature adult doesn’t act like that — sure, if you’re upset, you might need to take half an hour or even a couple of hours to cool down before coming back at the problem from a different, fresh angle. But DAYS of refusing to speak to you? That’s unacceptable. I’d even go so far to say that it’s a (mild) form of emotional abuse. If you google it, you will find quite a few articles:
I would seriously consider going so far as to leave the home for a few days, to give yourself some time to think and some distance from your FI. I would want him to give some serious thought to his behavior. Your disagreement about the incident(s) with your nephew is something that’s going to happen in life, and you both need to be able to communicate through disagreements.
(I am totally on your side about the nephew incident. Not cool letting the boy, who I assume is a teenager, bring home various “girlfriends” to spend the night in your home. A long-term girlfriend who you knew would be a different situation, I assume. But complete strangers don’t get to spend the night. That’s just common sense. If your nephew left his parents’ home because he wasn’t able to do whatever the heck he liked, no wonder he prefers it at your house!)
Post # 12
I have no advice, but honestly, it’s really childish of him to give you the silent treatment. Communication is key in relationships. He needs to grow up. You’ve apologized, and now it’s time for him to move on!
Post # 13
I hate to say it but any psychologist would tell you that the silent treatment is a form of emotional/mental abuse. I hope that the two of you work this out because him not talking to you like an adult as addressing the situation with his nephew as a couple, is a problem and will only show you the type of husband/father he will be.
Post # 14
I hope the two of you can work this out because the silent treatment can make things worse. What I will suggest is that if he needs some time by himself he says this to you and then you both agree upon a time to sit down and talk about things. His nephew living there seems to be complicating things and you and he both need to talk about the expectations and boundaries for this person living in your home.
Post # 15
Gee I wonder why the nephew is having problems at home. I’m guessing that girl was underage as well, and I’d be pissed if i were you also. Weren’t her parents worried?
As for the slient treatment, I grew up with that, so it’s really not that big of a deal. Usually lasts aboug 3 days then you can have a talk. This is the time for you two to be learning more about how to live with each other, perhaps it’s time to send the nephew on to somewhere else or law the law down.