(Closed) Silent Ultimadum OR Say it directly to him???

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

My opinion is: How will he know what you’re expecting if you don’t tell him? A relationship is all about communication. After that I feel it is appropriate to keep silent.

Post # 4
Member
5405 posts
Bee Keeper

We are extremely open so I can’t imagine not talking about anything and everything, but I think it’s a good check to see what happens if you don’t tell him. A proposal just because a guy is feeling pressured is no good. You want it to be because he wants to propose, not because you want him to. 

Post # 5
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 1993

I cannot imagine being comfortable in a marriage where there was even a slight possibility that he proposed because of a looming deadline or ultimatum.

If you feel like things are not going the way you want, it’s time to bolt.  If you’re not ready to do that, then set a deadline you keep to yourself.

Post # 6
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@blueberries123:  I would phrase it a bit more softly than “Propose by January 31 or I’m going”.

I’d say something like “If a proposal isn’t coming in the next six months I am going to seriously re-evaluate our relationship” or something.

Then stick to your guns, have a date in mind etc.

Post # 7
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t believe in deadlines.  Either you have a conversation and you talk about your timeline and come to a decision together, as a couple, about where you see things going and when.  Or, you don’t have that type of a relationship, in which case, why are you even in a relationship like that to begin with? 

So I can’t answer your questions – if you give an ultimatum and he proposes because you forced him, that sucks.  And if you never talk to him about your own expiration date, how would he ever know?  It’s a lose-lose situation. 

The answer is open communication. 

Post # 9
Member
883 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If you are a few years into a relationship, and both of you do not have an idea which way you would like the relationship to ultimately go, an ultimatum is not a good idea.  It’s going to happen or not.  I had two former relationships of my younger years that I waited way to long…I eventually walked away (one after 6 years, the other 13 years).

You need to know how long you are willing to wait, once that day comes, you need to just leave the relationship.  I gave this one 2 1/2 years, all the signs were there, but you had two intelligently people that both wanted the same thing, and were afraid to bring up the topic, fearing not getting the answer they wanted.  One day at dinner, the opportunity to discuss it came up, out of the blue and finally we both could breathe the sigh of relief.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

How would you know if you tell him “propose by Jan or I’m gone” if he’s proposing because he wants to or because you forced him to? 

A personal timeline ins’t meant to force a man into proposing but to force him into letting you go to find someone who will give you what you want if he isn’t prepared to.

Also a personal timeline shouldn’t ever be very cut and dry, there are exceptions you should be willing to make. If you are constantly discussing getting married as a when not as a masybe someday then rein it in and be patient, he is clearly wanting to give you the things you want, have a discussion together about a good timeline that works for you both.

If your marriage talk hasn’t left the maybe/someday dream world yet after 3 years then you need to have a deadline for yourself and at that deadline bring up the marriage discussion and find out where you both stand. If he isn’t willing to give you the things you want then maybe its time to leave.

Post # 11
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

@futuremrsk18:  I absolutely agree with your statement. I think the timeline should be something that is decided with you as well as your SO. I can’t imagine not talking with my man about where I was at in the relationship and what we both wanted.

Post # 12
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I have a personal 2 year timeline. Me and my FI had been talking marriage from early on in our relationship and at some point it went from the uncertain “if we get married someday” and “if we have kids someday” to the certainty of “when we get married and have kids.” even with that if he hadn’t proposed by the 2 year mark i would have had a serious talk with him to find out what was holding him back. That discussion would have been the determining factor of me staying or leaving.

IMO if at 2 years you aren’t sure about someone then you aren’t with the right person.

 If you aren’t able to discuss the future of your relationship with your SO, then you really shouldn’t be considering marrying someone whom you don’t feel like you can communicate with in the first place. 

 

 

 

Post # 14
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@blueberries123:  I totally agree with you there! My SO is strong minded when it comes to that. There is no point in forcing a man to do anything that you want him to do it just wont happen period lol I’m still in waiting going on 2 years.

@drummerbride:  well said!

Post # 15
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@blueberries123:  In the way you’re thinking of forcing, that is true. 

But realistically, you are wrong. Giving a man an ultimatum is pushing him into a decision he clearly didn’t choose to make on his own when left alone to do it in the first place. Which means he didn’t want to do it and decided “hey I’m happy enough with this person, I guess I should just give her what she wants.” 

Why do you think so many marriages end in divorce? One of the common reasons being one person was pushed into the marriage. By nagging someone or giving them an ultimatum you actually are forcing it. 

By having an open discussion about what you both want and where you see your relationship in certain timeframes is not forcing things.

ETA: People in general have a tendency to stick around in a relationship they feel isn’t going anywhere or isn’t what they want. They like to stick things out well past the point of any emotion existing. It’s called comfort. People get stuck in a comfortable routine and choose to not change it, even if they know they don’t want to marry this person, or no longer love this person, it doesn’t make them end things. What makes you think marriage is any different? The high divorce rate is enough to tell me that people are getting married without taking the time to clearly and rationally evaluate the relationship.

Post # 16
Member
1456 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I haven’t read all the posts above, and I know this is a heated issue, but I just wanted to share what worked for my husband and I.

We both knew that we wanted to marry each other, but had some disagreements about the timeline for various reasons. But, we were about to be graduating from college within the year and would theoretically have gone our separate ways if we had not been comitted to each other. So I just told him when I was comfortable being engaged by and being married by so that we could talk about it and be on the same page. He agreed and we created a time frame for ourselves. I wouldn’t call it an ultimatum necessarily, but it makes the most sense for us to communicate about our feelings on the subject. If we hadn’t I wouldn’t have had a “right”, in my mind, to be upset if things didn’t happen like I wanted. 

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