- 3 years ago
- Wedding: December 2010
I didn’t want to write another vent because I feel as if that is all I do these days… however it is hard not to when I am purchasing gifts for a friend that just gave birth to their baby. We started ttc a month before when they started (we are close friends and always imagined having babies about the same time) Yes, I am ESTATIC for them and their baby girl is the cutest ever.. and they are going to be INCREDIBLE parents… but that doesn’t take away my own personal pain of envy (call me a horrible person, fine, but pleae don’t discredit my despair of infertility)
Well, we are still trying and have had no luck (hence the vent). Well, I finally broke down and begged DH to get a SA … just to rule that out and before I go in for more testing. So now, I am on a hunt for a place to get a SA done where he can do it at home and then return it to the lab.. because he refuses to do it in the lab. I love my DH so much and he says that he has faith that we will be preggers before Christmas. How he came to that conclusion, I will never know and as I am loosing faith, his is strengthened. God works in mysterious ways.
It is hard to understand why we are not blessed with a miracle yet. My health is great, healthy weight, ripe age of 26, regular cycles, great temps, O detected with BBT and OPKs, and of course “perfect” timing of BD. I have to admit that I am scared that DH’s SA will come back fine.. yes this sounds crazy that I am fearful of an amazing thing BUT then that leaves more questions of what is wrong when things appear fine! I hope that doesn’t come off as selfish because if it is a problem/issue with me, that is okay, I can handle medical help better then DH (He HATES doctors and anything medically related… hence the fight for a SA) … if DH SA is normal… then what in the world is wrong with me and why doesnt my body at least give me clues. Yes, I would take irregular periods, no O detected… ANYTHING! if it helps us figure out why every month AF shows her ugly face.
I know a lot of this is emotional vomit and me just feeling hopeless at the moment. I had to let these emotions go and i figure if I let them go here, then maybe someone else can relate?
I am waiting for AF to start in another day or so and I am ready for it. i am ready for fertility tests… I am ready to get my DH on more vitamins (he does not know this yet)… I am ready to start the yoga for fertility DVD i just bought off amazon… I am even ready to try those softcups that I have been hesitant about… I am ready for us to be blessed with a miracle.