- 6 years ago
Since I’m venting, and that first one felt really good to get off my chest …
I can’t stand my FILs. Even though my mindset is that of a do gooder, you’re above them, etc … It doesn’t change that I can’t stand them.
And I feel like sometimes I am stooping down to their level. I can’t forgive and forget. I wish I could, but I feel horribly petty. I’m capable of being polite to them, but I don’t want anything to do with them. I’ve met them once and it made my skin crawl, and I wanted to vomit. His mother hugged me, and I doused myself in hand sanitizer afterwards.
His father was absent most of the time, and his mother was emotionally and verbally abusive. They brainwashed him so he would walk the path they chose for him, which is essentially to be their caretaker once they’re old. They’re manipulative, and controlling, and constantly tell him how stupid and worthless he is. They don’t respect any of the decisions he’s made, least of all his decision to date me.
His dad knew how emotionally and verbally abusive his wife was to their children, because she does the same thing to him. And all he did was put FI in the middle and hide behind him, and make him the buffer/mediator all the time.
The very first thing I ever learned about FMIL when we first started dating was that 1. FI couldn’t stand her and 2. the kind of love his parents dole out is very conditional.
They’ve said so much nasty stuff about me and my family, and even now my parents are still telling me to be the better person. And I really try to be. FI doesn’t ever want to go back to his childhood home, and with everything they’ve done while we were dating, it’s just made him even more distant from them. But FMIL blames me for everything.
Even knowing that I know everything they’ve said about me, they still came to meet me once. And they had the gall to pretend that they didn’t do anything, and that nothing was wrong. If they had owned up to it, maybe I wouldn’t feel so sick about it. But having to pretend that everything was fine and jolly made me nauseous. Now that we’re engaged, the thought of more family get togethers (they’ve already been planned) where we have to pretend to be happy and get along makes me sick to my stomach.
I don’t want to have anything to do with them. Neither does FI. We don’t plan on interacting with his parents outside of family get togethers organized by extended family. We don’t want them anywhere near our future kids, because we’re afraid of the emotional and verbal abuse that might happen again.
I almost feel like I actively can’t forgive and forget, because if I do that, and I am the better person, and I actually get along with them, it’s letting them into our lives, and letting their negative influence affect FI again. Even now, they haven’t changed at all, not that I would expect them to, and I know that if I softened towards them, it would just be letting that abuse into our lives again.
FILs have never apologized for their behavior, never acknowledged anything they’ve done, never contacted my parents to meet them, but are not above using other family members to try and set up a big happy fake meeting.
They had the gall to do everything they did, but they hide behind fake niceness and pretend nothing ever happened. I wish they had the decency to be outright “we don’t want you to get married to her, we’re not coming to the wedding.” If you’re that unhappy about it, be upfront instead of trying to play your stupid manipulative little games.
I literally fantasize that in the end, they’re not going to come. But I know it’s just a fantasy because they wouldn’t have the decency to do that. They’re going to come, and pretend in front of everyone that they’ve been happy for us all along. Even though everyone already knows what happened! I get so stressed out about it that then I fantasize about just not having a wedding at all, and just eloping and going on a honeymoon.
And ultimately it turns out that even though I try to be the better person, they’re still affecting me negatively! Arggghhhhhhh I just can’t stand it!