Sincere proposal with timeline in place?

posted 1 month ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

I’ve always felt it’s wrong the way people demonize women for bringing up this conversation. I completely agree that it’s your life too. For some couples, if the man is the one expected to do everything engagement related, (bring it up, pick and buy a ring, propose), it may never happen. I don’t see anything wrong with telling your partner where you are and where you want to be. Expectations in a relationship are good. I think I would wait, now that the time line has been established, especially if you ended the conversation on a good note. If you bring it up again, it might feel like “nagging” to him, which would add pressure and perhaps take away from the spontaneity of a proposal and his enjoyment of it.

Post # 3
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

I feel you. After 6 years I finally put my foot down on the topic. He always knew that I wanted marriage. He had previously been married and went through an awful divorce that def changed his perspective on it. I had met him a few months after it all started, so he was a mess. I knew it would take a long time for him to heal, be at peace, then consider the marriage. But right before the 6 yr mark I blew a casket after some rough conversations. He finally agreed to “think about it” and he’d give me a response by New Years, if not I was going to move out, it just was too much. I didnt’ bring it up again, but in December, about half way through it, I saw how he was acting, like nothing happened and he wasnt thiking ahead. Again, I had to remind him of the deadline, and how serious it was. He knew I was not joking, as I had previously been engaged and broke it off becuase after the fact I realized tha that the man wasn’t into it – though he’s the one that pushed the marriage talk.

Over a two week span we had various conversations on the topic, each one starting off with “I’ve been thinking” like he was slowing progressing. It finally came that yes, he wanted to proceed with marriage with me, but that he wanted to get me an ering to cement it, and gave me a deadline of the tax season. At that, I agreed – essentially we agreed on marriage and at the indicated time, I’d get the ring, then we’d set a date…

Again, I waited – cautiously happy, I tend not to believe until it happens – end of Feb we discussed budget for the ring, I had to know what to request from the jeweler, and since we live together I didn’t want to place him in an awkward financial situation. We went to the jewler to look at settings, diamonds, financing etc. That process took almost a month by the time we picked it up. 

I had indicated that I did want a proposal, not just “ok we picked it up, here’s the ring” He actually proposed the next day in a beautiful location, very romantic – for someone who doesn’t have a romantic bone on his body this blew me away. A “friend” even ask why even bother with a proposal. His response was because he wanted to. The reason I had even mentioned a prosal is that it was important for me to hear the words from him “will you marry me”. And that all that the proposal was, no flowery words, just those 4 important words, they made my heart skip and my eyes water. It was perfect, and worth it. 

I had initially thought that I was pressuring him, and that it wouldn’t feel authentic. But I know him, he never ever does something that he does not want to do. He never ever says something that he does not want. The effort that he took in the proposal, the enthusiasm that he showed in the ring selection cemented those thoughts. I’m over the moon.

It is healthy to mutally have a conversation for your future, and determing and agree where and how it will be headed. Do not be afraid, I know I did, and many are afraid to approach the topic for fear of hearing negative comments and maybe even what we do not want to hear. It might even be through tears – I’m a crier – but it’s the right thing to do for both of you.

Post # 5
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

yummygummybear01 :  It was hard, not going to lie about that. I’ve never felt how I feel about him with anyone else, and over the years and maturity I can tell the difference between my relationships.

Hindsight knowing the years it took for us to get where we are, I’m unsure if I had the stamina to withstand everything for that long of a time again. I know the pay out is more than a million bucks, but it was hard. Years wise it pretty much recreated the same timeline as my previous relationship and just a few months back, I was afraid that it was heading towards the same thing all over again, an endless loop; but, I can tell the difference. It’s worth it.

Post # 7
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee

The problem with timelines is that it’s hard to say with 100% certainty that you will be ready at some arbitrary date in the future when you’re not ready now. It’s something I’ve struggled with too, because I really want to have some say in when my relationship will progress and not feel like it’s totally out of my control, but at the same time, it’s very difficult for someone who is not ready to know when precisely they will BE ready. I don’t know if there is a solution, but it’s frustrating for both parties involved :/ 

My SO and I have a loose timeline (October to April), but we’ve agreed that there are things we want to accomplish before we get engaged so we are going to work on those things prior to October, and then have another conversation then to see where we’re at. The goal is that on October 1st, we’ll both say, “Yep, sounds great, let’s get engaged in the next 6 months, I feel ready and comfortable and sincere about that next step!”, but it’s possible that he might need more time. Having an element of uncertainty involved does make me uncomfortable, but he’s promised emphatically that he wants to marry me and that he will be ready in the near future and that the things he wants to get done prior to engagement/marriage have nothing to do with me (he’s told me what they are and they make sense, mostly about self-improvement in a few aspects so he feels confident enough in himself to be comfortable making a next step). So it’s a lot of patience and a lot of trust. 

Here’s to hoping it works out for both of us! I think it will 🙂 

Post # 8
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

yummygummybear01 :  I had this fear, yes. Between the time my now FI took me shopping for a ring to when he actually proposed was 1.5 years O.O! Drove me a bit mad, and I was not quiet about it. He refused to give me an actual timeline, but assured me “at some point,” and would drop hints that he was actively saving/working on it (I think he bought a diamond within 6 months, but then subsequently changed his mind about it and had to save more to “trade up”). But yes, I was not a happy camper about it, and aware I was being a bit of a shrew and made me worry that I’d sour the proposal, or sour him from proposing at all :x.

 

When the actual proposal happened though it was so obvious how much time and care (and money :x) he put into it that those fears were completely gone – of course it was sincere! He surprised me with a trip to Disneyworld and Universal (Harry Potter!) with the ring (it all coordinated together :).

 

Post # 9
Member
763 posts
Busy bee

Definitely have thought everything you mentioned. I was always fretting about whether talking to him about a timeline would ruin the surprise, or make him feel pressured, or if not talking about it would unnecessarily delay things for no reason and turn me into a sourpuss. After 3-4 times of my SO asking me to please stop engagement talk, we finally agreed loosely on this Fall and I’ve left it at that for about a month or so. He understands now our timeline for getting married, and how long it takes to plan a wedding. I hope now he will feel less pressured and when the time does come, it will be special 🙂 

In the meantime, we both just started new jobs a couple of months ago and moved to new cities, so that takes up time. We are also making more of an effort for our families to get to know one another. Sometimes we still joke or talk loosely about wedding planning with him or my mom, but it’s a totally different attitude than how I was before (which was anxiety ridden about this whole thing). It’s worked wonders, honestly. Now I can focus on being happy for my best friend who just got engaged! 🙂 

Post # 11
Member
7 posts
Newbee

I took it into my own hand as simple as that! I was pretty straight forward from beginning of the relationship that I am not up for games and that if I get into a relationship again it should be with the intent for the longrun and marriage down the road. He seemed committed but before never though of getting married to someone in general. Well almost 3 months of long distant (no chances to visit) just after the first month of dating and afterwards living and working together in smallest space so pretty much sitting on each other +/- 24/7 and a rough time somewhere along those months due to outside sources I think we did experience a lot in just one year compared to “how it normally goes”. I could tell he had the topic in his head but he was obviously scared to ask cause of a bit of “fear respect” towards my parents. So I decided instead of watining till my hair turn grey and him getting his nerves together or dropping hints or even directly pushing the timeline thing I wanted my engagement to be “authentic” and romantic and just the way I would like to be asked.

And so I asked him imself! I actually wanted to do it on our 1 year anniversary – planned it all in a chinese restaurant since we went in the past year so often for chinese food I though it suits, I got the “elvish star” whatever it is called cause lords of the rings became pretty much “our movie” (he didn’t know the series till I showed him so we watched it over and over and over) and wanted a friend to film etc. but there was a slight change of plans and I did it a day early. I just couldn’t wait a day longer to stick to my original plan cause we were invited to a fun park since my birthday way just some days before. It was just a perfect day we had lots of fun, he even went on some roller coasters with me despites his fears of them. I had the necklace with me and we were in a “roller coaster” (I don’t know how you call those slower ones where you just sit in and see some stuff) and since the topic of this one matched our profession from the last year I knew the moment was perfect. I got so scared in that moment to make myself actually say the words haha – but when I did I won’t ever forget the surprised and thrilled “of course!!!!” he replied! I remember being irritated to process the answer for a moment cause I expected a “yes” or maybe a moment of a pause but the words he chose immediately just took a second for me to get.

He was really excited and did not see it comming at all. Cause well – how many women are the ones asking?! But he was thrilled and though it was courageous of me to do since well he is so shy himself!

But now having fingers crosse about the actually planning cause paper work is frustrating with us having different nationalities and him on travel for work… But well hope it all can go down soon! 

Post # 14
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

We agreed on a timeline and I spent a lot of time being super insecure about it. I was so worried that it would be inauthentic. But in the end it was the opposite of that, and we are both happier for it.

Some fellas need a push-no shame in that! Only you know your guy well enough to know whether that one conversation will suffice or if he’ll require some extra nudging. Good luck bee!

Post # 15
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

Yummygummybear1: I feel you bee! I didn’t have a ultimatum with my boyfriend, but we picked out the ring together and once I knew he paid it off a proposal would come. Unfortunately not yet. I’m hoping that it’ll be soon, but he wants too be financially stable and I agree. I hope we both can put pictures up of our rings. 😉

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