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I don't think the "Happy Birthday" song is out of line. However, I do think that bringing in additional food/decor is. I would mention to her that you'll already have food and cake for everyone, but you're ok with the band playing the song.
Unless your cousin is a small child, I think that it's totally unnecessary to honor her birthday at your wedding. If it is a small child, I guess I can see it. But otherwise I don't think you're being selfish. My sister's RD was on the same day as her SIL's b-day, and her MIL wanted to make a big deal of it. But I think my BIL put the kibosh on that. I think it would kind of strange, esp. for a cousin (not even a sibling). It's one year...and adult can miss their birthday for one year.
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I think it's unnecessary--both the song and the extra decor, etc.
My wedding day is my grandmother's birthday...and I think she would probably prefer no one even knew about it. I plan to sing happy birthday, but that is just my own preference as she is turning 70.
I think you can ask your fi to ask his mother to lay off the birthday celebrating! But you should try to remember and when you visit the tables make sure to say happy birthday.
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IMO, I wouldn't find sharing my spotlight for 2 mins a big deal. However, it would seriously irritate me if someone else was making plans and adding extra details to my wedding. I would have been okay with announcing it was someones birthday and had my guests sing happy birthday... maybe stick a little candle in her slice of the wedding cake, but thats about it. Thats honestly what I'd do if I knew it was someone's b-day on my wedding day.
The cousin is going to be 17. And I even think she would be very embarrassed if they were to sing to her because she is pretty quiet and shy.
Oh yeah, as a teenager I think I'd have been mortified if everyone's attention turned to me at someone else's wedding.
Maybe the fact that his mother didn't ask me and just said she was doing it is what is bothering me the most.
If it were a closer family member I would have probably suggested it myself that we sing happy birthday..like a parent or grandparent or even sibling...
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To each her own, but I don't see the big deal. I'm providing bday cake at the RD for my MOH and recognizing my FI's grandparents' wedding anniversary at the reception, so I guess this strikes me as less of an issue...but if it truly bothers you, speak up. If you do decide to just go with it, I would confirm that sparklers are allowed in your venue...a lot of venues prohibit them.
We are singing happy birthday to the flower girl. It will be her 4th birthday and she is in the bridal party.
I think it is tacky for his mom to be planning this. He should respect your wishes and tell her to refrain.
I think the issue is not singing happy birthday, but rather the MIL making plans without asking you. To assume she can do something to call attention to someone else without asking is rude. It is your day and a simple "Would you mind if..." would have been in order.
I have a FMIL like this who assumes she can do anything she wants. She invited her sister and mom to my makeup and hair with my bridesmaids.Sometimes they get so wrapped up in the excitement or think it is no big deal. But we need to remind them (very kindly) that it is our day.
I attended a wedding in L.A. last year on my 30th birthday (which is kind of a big one). The groom was one of FI's best friends. I had no clue that they even knew it was my birthday. I was definitely surprised when I was called out onto the dance floor by the bride. All of the guests sang "Happy Birthday", a small cake with a lit candle was carried out by the groom, and then the newlyweds whispered to me how much it meant to them that I made the long trip to share their special day with them. From the receiving end, it was a very sweet and unexpected gesture... even though I know my face was flushed (being the quiet, shy type mysef). :o)
Knowing that it was the bride's idea (in my case) makes all the difference, though. If you aren't OK with the birthday details, definitely speak up. I think you're right in expecting that those plans be confirmed with you first.
This wouldn't be a big deal to me, though I agree with others that you FMIL should ask permission rather than declare. Regardless, I think the gesture itself is harmless. No one is going to forget that it's your wedding. And tops, the whole thing will last, what, 1 or 2 minutes? It doesn't seem too much to ask to put the attention on someone else for 2 minutes out of your whole day. Instead of making her another cupcake (unless you're having cupcakes, that is), why don't you put a candle in a piece of wedding cake? I think that would be a cute integration of birthday and wedding.
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I agree with most of what's been said already. I do understand not wanting to share your day. But a couple of things:
1. I do think that what makes this really difficult is that FMIL just made plans without even asking you. She might have gotten a lot further if she said, "It's Jane's birthday, do you think it would be OK to sing happy birthday?" I think what might make me feel better in this situation, is if my FI told his mom, she was wrong to just make plans without asking you two, but agree that the birthday thing would be nice.
2. I don't think it's a big deal to spend a minute singing Happy Birthday to someone. Maybe you can do this later in the evening, when there's nothing left but 2(+) hours of dancing. What's the big deal in breaking that up a little for a Happy Birthday? I know it's your big day, but after the first dances, cake cutting etc., your guests will drift off to their own thing, and not be focused on you. If you stop a moment to emcee the singing to the cousin and the cupcake, you could actually gain a little more focus time on you, and look like a peach , in the process. (Rather than feeling like someone's stealing your thunder. )
3. At 17, her birthday is kind of a big deal. Every birthday is a big deal until 21. Is she close to your FI? Are her parents making her go? Would she rather be spending a rare "Saturday birthday" with her friends? If any of those are "yes", I think it would be nice to sing to her. And if she is shy, maybe she doesn't ahve a lot of friends or gets many acknowledgements for her birthdays, so this would be nice.
4. Is it that big of a deal to make a stand and leave a bad taste in your FI's mom's and aunt's mouths? I think few things are, and (IMO) this isn't one of them.
We will be having two birthdays the same day as our wedding - one of my friends, and my FFIL. I'd like to mark the occasion for them somehow - I was thinking a special cupcake for each of them, but no candles. Just a special treat so they know we remembered...
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I'm sorry but ur fiance should respect your wishes and not allow it even if he thinks it is ok. I also think it's a little rude for the MIL to even ask that of you on your wedding day. The kid is 17, I'm sure even she doesn't want this to happen. BUT...if it is going to be a big deal, I would just let her do it. You will have much more important things to think about before that day gets here. Good Luck. :o)
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I totally empathize with you!! I would be TICKED! She didn't even ask! Just "this is what we plan to do to ruin this very expensive party that you are throwing in your honor..." like it was nothing!! AHHHHHH! {makes stabbing motion}
Like others have said, why don't you make your own plan for how you will celebrate her birthday (if you want to). Then your FMIL can't say $hit because you are celebrating it, just not her way. Oh, and I would tell the band you won't pay them if they play that song at any time. Won't. Pay. Them.
I think it was a little presumptous of your FMIL to make these plans without asking you first. I would feel kind of miffed too. But as for the actual act of singing happy birthday to the guest? I don't think that's a big deal at all. I've seen it done at weddings, and as long as they're not throwing the girl a mini party within your wedding (aka anything beyond a song and maybe a candle in her slice of cake), no one is going to forget that they're there for anything other than your wedding and celebrating you and your FI! I would also say if this is a cousin that FI knows well (not some random cousin thrice removed no one has ever seen before), it would be a nice gesture on your part, especially since the wedding symbolizes the joining of families as well.
But...ultimately it boils down to what you feel comfortable with. There are certainly MUCH worse things that your FMIL could plan without telling you, like adding 50 surprise guests to the reception or something ;)
I don't see why it's a big deal. She's basically a kid and it's a time when the whole family is together. It's only 5 minutes.
Has anyone asked the birthday girl what she wants? I'd be horrified if the band starting singing to me and then a cupcake comes out with a sparkler? It's not her party, it's your wedding.
I went to a wedding this year and someone did that. I thought it was rude to the bride and groom to take the attention from them. I just realized that it sounds selfish, but on the other hand, I would not go to their birthday party and announce my engagment or sing happy birthday to someone else.
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We had a separate cake, and balloons, and had the band play Happy Birthday for my niece Emma, who turned 1 year old the day of our wedding. Completely unnecessary, as she hardly knew what was going on, but the photos were adorable, and I thought it was really nice of my sister not to have an issue with us having the wedding on the first birthday of her only child.
We also made an announcement for the 65th wedding anniversary of two dear friends of the family who were at the wedding, which was also the same day. We had the band play "their song." They were quite touched.
Both these things were our idea (really, my idea). Between the RD, the backyard barbecue for OOT guests, and the wedding itself I felt like it wasn't going to be a big deal at all to give a few minutes of the spotlight to someone else. However, it was my idea. I do think that your FMIL is completely out of line to be planning this and just telling you what she is going to do. Plus, having an 18 and a 21 year old (stepchildren) I can tell you that they are certainly old enough to understand and accept the idea that their birthday celebration might not actually be on their birthday. Even much younger children understand the idea that although their birthday is Wednesday, for example, and we'll all tell you Happy Birthday and let you open a couple of presents, your actual party is going to be this weekend.
I would suggest that if you all are close enough to this cousin that you would normally be invited to her birthday, or give her presents, it might be appropriate to do a little something. That doesn't need to be as much as providing a separate cake and having all your guests sing to her - it could be as little as putting a small, wrapped present and card at her place at the table. Just something to acknowledge that the day is special to her as well. I'm sure that she's not completely missing out on any birthday celebration, unless her parents and friends are total jerks, so you don't need to feel like you have to provide some kind of birthday party substitute.
And, unless your FMIL is paying for the reception, feel free to just tell her what you (and your FI) have decided. It's not her party after all. It's not inappropriate to remind her of that (politely) if she can't seem to remember.
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You got a ton of feedback so I won't write much but wanted to say that it is the birthday of TWO of our close friends (1 GM and 1 GM's wife) on our wedding day, and two of my best friends (BMs) birthdays are in the days surrounding our wedding. I have thought long and hard about a way to let them know we didn't forget that they are also celebrating their birthdays with us. I didn't think of singing a song at the reception, and I won't add that because I wouldn't know who to address it to (all of them? just the 2? and there could be others too and I'd hate to just totally leave them out!) BUT- I am going to try my hardest to deliver cupcakes to the hotel rooms of those particular two, possibly all 4, guests. I want them to know we didn't forget. So, can you suggest doing something similar for your cousin to appease your FMIL? Without bringing it into your actual wedding?
I have to say, I wouldn't mind if happy birthday was played for her, it happens so fast. I think putting a candle in her piece of wedding cake would be nice and I liked the suggestion of having a gift and/or card at her seat. I see how you would be upset with your FMIL and I agree she shouldn't be the one planning it, that should fall on the two of you and how you want to handle it.
I don't think you're at all being selfish!! It's yalls day, you should celebrate!! And I don't think that his family should get mad that you want it just to be about you. You only get one wedding reception, she will have many other birthdays. And like you said, she can celebrate at another time and place. I would do the same thing.
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These comments all have really good points! I still think I don't want to have the song and cupcake with candle...however I do like the idea of a small gift from my FI and I to let her know WE are thinking about her. I think that would mean more to her than a song and cupcake...to know we thought about it in advance to take the time to get her a gift! And would save her the embarrassement!!
Also, I really liked the point that what if it is someone else's birthday and we don't acknowledge them....they will feel very left out and no one likes to feel forgotten on their birthday!
So I'm thinking the best way to approach this is to have my FI tell my FMIL that we have something else planned to acknowledge her birthday and ask her to please refrain from doing anything, specifically no song and no cupcake with candle, because we would like to make a gesture from US only.
I think that is a pretty good compromise! :)
We had 2 birthdays and 3 anniversarys on our wedding weekend - We pulled them all out in front and sang, danced and celebrated everything from a 30th birthday, a first wedding anniversary to a 50th wedding anniversary!! It was soo much fun, added to the celebration feeling and each one of tehm thanked us later for including their causes of celebration in our wedding day memories and joys. I HIGHLY recommend!
I just wanted to provide an update on what I decided. I had my now husband tell his mother that we had other plans to acknowledge his cousins birthday and didn't think she would like being called out and sang happy birthday to. So I went and bought her a small gift and had it wrapped very pretty with a card at her seat saying we were glad she would spend her birthday with us and let her know we were thinking about her and hoped she had a great birthday!
She was so tickled that we thought about her and her birthday enough to buy a gift in advance and have it waiting at the table for her! She was so grateful for the thought and I think she had a great time at the wedding, so I think she was able to have a good birthday!
Thanks for all the advice!!
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So my Fiance has a cousin who's birthday is the same day as our wedding. Now his mother (my future mother in law) has made comments that she plans on having the band sing her happy birthday during the reception. She has also made some comments suggesting a cupcake and a sparkler candle.
Now I have asked my Fiance to respectfully ask his mother to refrain from having any birthday celebrations during our wedding reception. I feel that it is our day and her birthday can be celebrated another time and does not need to be celebrated during our wedding reception which should be about us. My fiance doesn't think its a big deal.
So my question to you is: Am I being selfish for not wanting the entire reception to stop and pay attention to his cousin while the band sings happy birthday and she receives a cupcake with a sparkler candle??