Single Friend Dynamics. Help?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

It’s hard when friends are in a different life stage. But if they mean a lot to you then certainly stick around! Whilst your relationship might make them sad and/or jealous (it can’t be avoided), it also gives them hope and something to look forward to.

Sometimes they like to hear that how they are feeling is justified, not just to hear all the good stuff. Saying things like “I know being single sucks sometimes, I’m so glad that I found Mr. X.” “Everyone will tell you you’ll find love “at the right time” and although it can make you feel mad to hear it, in the end, they are right. You just have to let it happen.”

I would also see if you can find some couple friends too though. Sometimes single people are no fun when you are in a couple. 

Post # 4
Member
7404 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’m sorry but I don’t understand this at all. Surely your friends are your friends for more reasons than their relationship status? Surely they are your friends because you share interests and like and respect eackh other?

And I am sorry no one is jealous of you. I really wish people (especially engaged/coupled/married women towards their single friends) would stop using that line. In life it is very rare that anyone is jealous of you.

Honestly to me anyone who thinks like this is the one not being a good friend. A good friend supports their friend through everything life throws at them whether it be a death or a relationship breakup or singledom. It is a two way street. Like they are happy and supportive of you and your impending marriage, you are supposed to be supportive of their life whatever stage they are at.

 

Post # 5
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I understand how you are feeling, I had a very close friend who has completely cut all ties with me since I got engaged for no reason.

 

She was in a bad relationship which broke down and then she just never spoke to me again no matter how hard i tried.

 

The majority of your friends are probably over the moon for you! and if they cannot be happy for you and help you celebrate your day then they cant be true friends.

 

I know you are just after advice, so ignore the strange opinions you will get on this thread.

 

 

 

I have found WeddingBee very strange so far with responses I have had and seen!!!!!

 

good luck, I am sure it will work out

Post # 7
Member
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’ve got tons of single friends since I’m one of the first to get married and only two friends have been affected by jealousy (one stopped talking to me and started badmouthing me)–the rest seem to be genuinely happy for me (and those are the only ones I’m concerned about)! 

If they’re real friends, they’ll be happy for you.  I have a couple who got out of really long relationships and they’re still my friends, we weren’t friends because we were both in relationships. We’ve been single, through breakups, in relationships at different times, complicated (everything!) together.

I’m in the camp that believes marriage/engagement shouldn’t change a relationship between friends, though.  I’m still the same person I was, I just have some shiny new jewelry I want to brag about all the time and photos I want to show everybody 😉  I’m hoping the photos/jewelry thing is just an annoying phase I’m going through though, haha.

Post # 8
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@j_jaye:  This most likely varies with age but I have had people say (throughout my life) that “you can’t be a part of this conversation – you have a boyfriend” and “it’s so hard to watch you two together” or “I just need time away from people in couples!”

Some of that isn’t exactly jealously I guess, perhaps sadness? It’s hard to describe and like I said, most likely varies with your stage in life, but it does happen. 

Like I said to the OP, if they are good friends then you’ll just get through this time of slight weirdness. But if these are just casual friends and it’s becoming more work than it’s worth then it might be time to move on.

Post # 9
Member
8593 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I have single friends that are still out there looking.  I just tell them the best thing I ever did…don’t settle!!!  Smile

I haven’t had any issues with people being negative towards me, just them venting about dating!  And I will gladly listen and offer my advice.

Post # 10
Member
7404 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@Everdeen:  To me I don’t think it would be sadness and definately not jealousy. It is probably a case of I am sick to death of your constant chatter about being in a couple or insensitive/snide/smug remarks about the friends singledom or how you will see how it is when you are in relationship etc etc. It is kind of like the how people (normally people with kids) say to CBCers you will change your mind or having a child is the greatest feeling ever. It is annoying as hell. I hate being around smug marrieds and I am married, it must be torturous for single people.

 

If someone actually said to you you can’t be apart of this conversation because you have a boyfriend then they wouldn’t be a good friend. I also think it has nothing to do with age. The basic rules of friendship are the same if you are 12 or if you are 82. Support and respect.

 

As I said it is a two way street. Either side could be the bad friend but in this case to me the OP seems to be that person.

 

Post # 11
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@j_jaye:  I 100% agree with you that these people were not good friends, hence they are friends no longer. I know that I was very conscious of any comments I personally made about relationships (though if you ask me about my weekend I’ll end up talking about SO because he was there! etc), but I was painted with the same brush as “every other coupled person”.

I also meant, in reference to my age comment, that perhaps only younger people actually say these things out loud, where as more mature people with more tact keep those thoughts to themselves. 

It’s unclear whether the OP’s friends are good friends or if they are the kind I had in the past. If they are the latter then moving on seems to be the thing to do. 

“It is probably a case of I am sick to death of your constant chatter about being in a couple or insensitive/snide/smug remarks about the friends singledom or how you will see how it is when you are in relationship etc etc.”

This is pretty much what I was trying to say. But I was attempting to put a label on it/using the labels most people do already (i.e. jealousy). And I do think that this is what the OP meant when she mentioned jealousy.

Post # 12
Member
1535 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@Mrs_Lewis2b:  I had a friend stop talking to me too. She literally said that since her break up that she didn’t want to talk to anyone in a relationship be she is “jealous of their love” It’s been almost a year since we’ve talked

I have found some single friends making comments about wanting to hang out with people when there are more singles around.

I’ve had a friend stop talking to be about her relationship stuff. She used to tell me everything, now I hear a few things from other people.

For most people, I don’t necessarily thing their “jealous,” but they are just in different stages in their life. Honestly, I don’t really relate to being single. I haven’t been single in 6 years, so I get it if they want to talk to other people who may understand their issues better.

Post # 13
Member
5351 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Personally my relationship with my single friends is excatly as it always has been before/after marriage. 

We still talk about life, dating, experiences just as we did before and I offer the same advice that I would if I were single. For me the concept that there is tension between married and singles is a totally out there concept, but that may because I havn’t experienced it myself. 

Post # 14
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I may go against the grain a little here, but I do think in some circumstances there is a bit of a dynamic change between friends in a group.

For instance, in my experience, most everyone in my social circle (now) is married or is coupled. I have a guy friend, we’ll call him G, who dated a girl, we’ll call her S, all through college and they were together for 5 years. During that time, I got to know S very well and I was extremely close with both of them. G was planning to propose to S, but didn’t when his family wouldn’t bless their marriage unless she converted to Lutheranism. S was like, “Uh, no thx, lolz” and they broke up. S has now dated other people and recently moved in with her current bf. G and S still talk and see each other at social events (with mutual college friends) and that shit is awkward.

Meanwhile, G has not dated ANYONE in the 2 years they have been broken up. He won’t go to bars, works strange hours voluntarily, and is just about up to his eyeballs with his singleness and lonliness. He is happy for us, but at the same time, he sometimes lashes out (he does not like my FI for some reason, and hasn’t the entire time we’ve been togeter, I have yet to figure that out) at people because he is unhappy with himself. He wallows……a lot. He feels behind. A lot.

A married couple friend of ours just had a baby, and G will have gone to 3 weddings within the same year by the time mine is over. I know he feels stagnant. He won’t take our advice on how to meet people and generally feels down about himself. No matter what we do to lift him up and help him, it’s just not enough.

So I do think there are things to be considered. I often feel bad when there is a gathering and it’s D&D, D&J, S&T, Me & FI….and G. = I know it’s the elephant in the room with him. It DOES make people feel sad sometimes, especially if they’re in G’s shoes. You DO have to kind of take a different approach with people in those situations. If they’re happy in their singleness, that’s one thing. But watching everyone around you have the life you thought you were going to have or wanted by now DOES affect things.

I have no real advice for you, OP, more just a word of empathy and understanding.

 

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