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Maybe she just wants some pity with a side of "please feel sorry for me" because she's envious of your situation?
Sounds like you are doing the best you can with out being absent in your daughters life! And it sounds like she really doesn't have it together! And I'm sorry she's projecting on to you.
Thanks ladies : ) I'm really trying to figure out what is wrong with either her or me. Am I crazy or is she!
Misery loves company - don't let her get you down and try not to be bothered by her comments. You're doing what's best for you and making a life for yourself and family. I'd spend some time apart from this woman, b/c instead of being happy for you that you're making things work, she's bringing you down. She needs to turn that energy around so she can have a better life, too.
It's like okay....we applaud single moms for doing things on their own (supposedly) but where's the support for the woman who is trying to have a healthy relationship and take care of her family?
I'm so sick of her and people in my family trying to make me feel bad because I have my fiance in my life. Excuse me for making a good decision on a man.
Sounds like JEALOUSY to me.
Most girls that go from crappy guy to crappy guy know that they do it, even if they never figure out *why* they do it.
Sounds like she sees your situation, with a good guy, and going to school, having your life together/on track and is jealous.
She sounds envious of your situation. From the outside I have a feeling that it appears to her that you are doing so much better than she is because you are able to stay at home with your daughter-- she may not realize that it is more cost effective for you & your family, but its still what she is thinking. She thinks she is unable to "catch a break" and has to work so hard to provide, etc.
This doesn't mean that you are wrong, but this is no reason for you to say what you are about her, either. You're being just as assuming as she is with what you are saying about how she choses to socializing--- in fact it sounds like you think your decision making is better than hers with your overall tone.
The main thing to remember is that her words are (probably) not from some ill-will she may have... I think she (much like you) has assumed your situation to be more rewarding. Perhaps you should talk to her rationally about the situation, and maybe you two would both learn something valuable about not assuming that you understand all the others' actions and motives... after all, you two are friends, right?
Just a thought.
I try to point out the good things in her life. She has her own apartment, car, is smart, is so close to receiving her bachelor degree WITH a child which is not easy and is skinny (i'm struggling to lose baby weight). Why can't she see these things? It seems like she's in such a hurry to find a husband just because I and her best friend are married/engaged. We're only 22. I wish that she would focus on her child and not being jealous over something so stupid.
Snake- I think we're moving away from our friendship. I do assume things about her life as well. I guess people just always think the grass is greener on the other side.
Baby aside, there are LOTS of jealous/unhappy people out there who have all kinds of degrees, cars, are smart, and are skinny. Doesn't make them happy.
Maybe she feels like finding a husband would be icing on the cake. Everybody wants somebody to love sometimes....i have known many single people who think that nothing matters if they don't have someone to share their lives with.
Hmm, well if I had to choose between your situation and her situation... I'd choose yours (knowing very little about both of you). :) Wouldn't you?
Woah woah woah.
Its not a competition, girl. Just because she's skinny and has a bachelor degree doesn't mean her life isn't trying at times. Just give her an ear and I'm sure she'll reciprocate. You both are learning that this is TOUGH work and its okay to be jealous of other situations BUT you shouldn't be enabled by them, let it empower you to improve! Plus you may be jealous over nothing... it probably is nothing like what you think it is.
Okay so you're growing apart... that is fine, but honestly that doesn't make you the clear winner here. Look at it any way you want to, but you're cutting her down right here in this post just as you feel she is to you in your life. Is this to compensate? To justify how you feel about her? If the friendship is poisonous to your happiness I urge you to just cut your ties... you're too much of an adult to be name calling.
for example:
"I wish that she would focus on her child and not being jealous over something so stupid."
Really... how unfair is that to say? you can't even begin to pretend what she is thinking or how she feels about her child! Its very condescending.
I can't quite explain this mentality, but maybe you should limit contact with her. She clearly sees a man as her support system as opposed to doing it alone and appreciating what others do for her in support of her.
Imagine how the family that does support her would feel hearing those comments. Yeesh.
@ejs4ye - I understand that and just because I'm engaged and I don't work doesn't mean my life is peachy either. But this is what she thinks.
We've pretty much narrowed our interaction with each other after she made those comments to me. She has told me before that she doesn't ask me to go out places with her because I have a man coming home to me and I shouldn't want to go out. I just don't even know if a friendship with her is worth it.
@snake - I haven't called her any names. And there's definitely more to this story than I have put on there. I just needed advice on the situation because I have no one else to talk to about it.
I'm so sad for her, only 22! I hope she somehow takes a nice long while before a committed relationship. I don't think it's a good idea to get in a relationship when you want one so badly, it doesn't tend to go well. It sounds like both of you are in fairly difficult situations and having a hard time sharing and sympathizing with each other, which is too bad.
It often gets harder to relate to each other as you get older but you can't go out because you have a guy? And shouldn't want to? Really? Ugh. I hope you told her how not cool that was.
"just because I'm engaged and I don't work doesn't mean my life is peachy either. But this is what she thinks."
and just because she's thinner, almost has a degree, etc. but THAT doesn't mean her life is peachy.
Just understand its not easy for anyone!!!
by name calling I meant talking down about her character, which is just the same.
I know that @snake. I just try to point out good things in her life since she can't seem to find any. I don't tell her that her life is any better because of these things so she shouldn't tell me my life is so great just because I'm getting married.
It sounds like you both just want to vent a little, but maybe venting to each other isn't the way to go about it. She's going to try to ONe-Up you with the "you have the engagement" thing and it sounds like you're doing the same in regards to her degree.
There's nothing wrong with growing apart--it happens. But if you can't be respectful of each others' situations and sympathize, versus "no you have it so much better than me" (hey, sometimes a girl needs to be pitied, I get that!), it'll never end and it sounds like it's already gotten so far under your skin you can't take it anymore. It gets old!
Look at it this way--while it's not RIGHT of her to point out your life is getting better because you're married....you have to admit one thing. You have found the one person in your life you want to spend it with. You have someone to weather the storms with. This girl has NOBODY. Even if she digs her own grave, she's probably very upset that she has nobody to spend it with. The fact that she tells you your life is great b/c you're not single, well, that's just pure jealousy. I'd be jealous if i was single with a baby, too, and had nobody. You have the one thing she really, really, really wants.
I'm sure with a little understanding on both sides this could all be taken care of. You two are both in different parts of your life - it seems like you each have different priorities and things that you are reaching for: it's kinda like you said - the grass is always greener on the other side.
But I'm sure you know this - the greener grass is often astroturf once you get up close to it.
Don't fret - this is a natural friendship progression ... you lose and gain some over and over again. It's certainly not the end of the world for either of you. I'm sure you'll either learn to move past this together or lose touch for a bit. You may even become friends again once you reach different points in your life, ya know?
*good luck*
You know, no one wins a prize for having it harder. I really, really can't stand and do not understand the whole competition people get into about how tough their lives are. I like to dwell on all of the good things.
I would just limit contact with her, and don't engage in any one-upsmanship with her if she starts complaining about her life. If she says, "things are so tough," your best response is, "I'm sorry to hear that." Don't say a word about why your life is tough too. When you do need to vent, find someone else who will just offer support, not engage in the My Life is Tougher competition.
She's unhappy and just trying to make herself feel better. But people like her are so telling - you should really reconsider if you want her in your life. Her negativity will likely not change, even if she found a nice guy and won the lottery -- if not one thing, it'll be another.
Consider yourself lucky for seeing this side of her now.
god, i hate when people are like that. I dont know what is in the air, but it seems like 99% of the girls i went to school with are having or have already had kids. I have a "friend" also who for so long TRIED to get pregnant, when she finally did, the man she was with wants nothing to do with her or his kid and left. So she is now a single mommy, just like her mom. I know she feels proud of herself for being a single mom, and while i have nothing against that, i know she would also see things from the same perspective as your friend. she would probably say "you could never support a child on your own without andrey!" and i would have to laugh.
Like you, i also have been supporting myself since i was 17 yrs old. Put myself through the rest of highschool, bought my first car, got my drivers license on my own and now im getting married and one day having a family of my own. People who say such stupid things should look at the whole picture instead of one tiny detail. either way, it doesnt matter if you are single, married, rich or poor, having kids is hard, it doesnt matter what you have or dont have...
I've been the single mom, working two jobs, busting my ass while still taking care of business for my two girls (one being special needs). And I've been the stay at home mom, as I am now, married to a man who knocks my freakin' socks off.
What's harder?? Hmmm... Who cares? It's all about perspective. You're both wearing different shoes.
For me, personally, obviously, being a single mother fu#*ing sucks. And being a stay-at-home has its challenges as well.
You and your friend obviously feed off each others negative energy. I have no patience for the people in my life who are in a "woe is me" mindset. I immediately bow out of conversations where I think someone is trying to gather sympathy. There are two particularly toxic people in my life who think they "have it so hard." I just try to remember that if they choose to believe they have such a difficult life, fine then, that's thier drama. I stay out of it. I don't try to explain to them how lucky they are to have healthy children or free daycare or supportive families. I change the subject, no pissing contest required. Or I avoid them.
I don't think it matters either way as long as the best interests of the child(ren) are what come first.
Miss Starlet,
I like your attitude and I really gotta work on it! I have a friend that fits exactly what you said, but yet I always seem end up buttering her up! I really need to just change the subject and not get suckered into the "obligatory" compliments. After awhile, it all loses it's meaning anyway -- I know this is on a tangent, but I just had to comment.
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So over the coure of my engagement, I have kind of lost touch with a once friend. She was in a relationship with a jerk before I met fiance. He abused her, cheated on her and in her mind somehow getting pregnant would make everything okay. Wrong! Finally she left him and he's a deadbeat father of course. Fast forward a few years. I'm getting married in a few months and she's touring the city for a new boyfriend. She keeps choosing jerks and then wonders why they don't stick around very long. She is constantly complaining about being a single mom for the rest of her life.
I, on the other hand am a full-time student. Because we can not afford daycare and we don't have anyone to watch our daughter I do not work. If we did, I would have a job. I also never go out with friends/fiance because of babysitting issues and because fiance works nearly 7 days a week. My "friend" is also in school but claims that she does it all: she gets food stamps, government assistance for childcare, student loans, and works weekends as a server while her mother, sister or father babysits. Not to mention she dumps her child on her family so she can "shake her ass" at the club or drops the baby at daycare so she can do...who knows. She is constantly saying that I have no reasons to complain about anything, I get way more support than she does and basically that I wouldn't know how to survive if I didn't have fiance.
Hello! My mother disowned me when I was 19. I managed to become an independent student, buy my own car with no help and work 3 jobs just to have a roof over my head. What the hell is she talking about?
Sorry for the length!