- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
It would never be acceptable to me. However, to be fair, there are also lots of married couples where one or both partners put work, drugs, alcohol and other people ahead of their children.
I don't think it is acceptable to put ANYTHING above your child. It's part of the reason i am hesitant to have children after I get married. I grew up with the mentality that if you have babies, your life then becomes theirs, no if ands or butts. FI is on the same wavelenth with me on this, because he had parents ( i love them to death but still) that constantly put things in ahead of him in importance....
Edit: Just realized you were talking to single moms.... Sorry... I will go sit over here now..
@Ember78: I'm not a mom.. but I have really young siblings and I work as a nanny and children have a special place in my heart and NO putting anything above your children is WRONG.. I try to not be judgemental in my life.. I keep an open mind to the way others live their lives.. but when it comes to kids, sorry I will judge if I feel that someone puts their children second or third or fourth..
i know this girl who puts pretty much everything else in her live above her son.. I was around her for 1 year, and I NEVER saw her baby.. ever !! she never had him with her.. she's always going out, partying, she dates so many guys.. I'm not a mom and I don't go out nearly as half as much as she does.. I distanced myself from her because I realized she's not a good person to be around.. but I just feel for that poor baby.. I've seen many pictures of him and he is the cutest thing ever.. If i had a son like that I'd be taking him everywhere and showing him off as a proud mom.. she pretty much hides him and does whatever she can to go out and not be near him..
I'm glad he has AMAZING grandparents who are always there to watch him and provide for him..
@littlebirdie, no need to apologize. While scenarios can and do happen with married folks as well where the child is put on the back burner, I was curious mainly due to observation with alot of single parents I know (and have heard of from others) where this seems to be a common occurance.
& sorry too I saw you were asking for single moms opinions.. blah you can ignore my post if you want.. i'm not even a mom
@pandoboo, I edited the title so it's not exclusive. Your opinion makes sense though.
Never. I have been a single mom and now am remarried with a second child. My children would come first.
I think I need clarification on your post. My husband comes first. I am a big believer in what this article discusses
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/loving-husband-more-kids-key-good-life-181900983.html
I think that children are important. VERY much so. But you wouldn't have had them without your husband. Or in the case of single moms, you would still need to provide a very good male role-model for them. (girl or boy). Hubby is and should be the MOST IMPORTANT person in your life. Then come children at a VERY CLOSE second. Then everybody else.
It sounds a bit harsh at first. But if you really think about how relationships work, this will make much more sense. Treat your hubby as the most important person in your lie and he will treat you like a queen. Your relationship will be so much more stronger as a result. And the stronger you are, the stronger and happier your cihldren will be. Usually marriages break down because one or the other spouse is being neglected. So the couple really, REALLY needs to be strong TOGETHER.
These days, especially, with so MANY broken familes what the kids need to see the MOST in their homes is their parents being in love with each other. It gives them hope and courage and faith that 'yes, the world is not so bad after all'. They don't want to see their mom or dad NOT paying as much attention to each other or taking each othe for granted. (Where do you think kids pick up this kind of behaviour and manifest this in themselves in adulthood?)
No, its never ok, unless you want your kids to hate you, ofcourse if you do this you kind of deserve their hate.
My son will always come first no matter what... For a long time it was just us. I've seen this happen a lot more with married couples than single moms in my area.
I don't have kids but from hearing my parent friends discuss this, I agree with the two pps who've said husband first, then immediately after kiddos.
However, I think it's more complicated in a single mom-dating-a-new-man scenario, cause then the kids were there first and I think they deserve to retain their importance over a new boyfriend. Just my observations, I'm not a mom.
@mwitter80: I agree with the article that the love between a husband/wife and parent/child is different.
My daughter always asks me if I love my husband more and I tell her the same thing the author's mother told her.
On the op, no, I do not think that there is ever a reason to abandon a child in favour of a man.
The word "choose" is tricky though.
For example, when my husband and I started dating (obvi I was a single parent), my daughter was still sleeping in my bed (big selfish mistake on my part). When my husband moved in I "choose" my husband by forcing my daughter to sleep in her own bed.
So I think there are situations where my daughter NEEDS more of my time and attention and there are situations where my husband NEEDS more of my time and attention. I think what makes a healthy and loving family is the understanding from everyone that love is something that can't be measured.
But as I said, abandoning a child is never right. So if a man asked me to move to a different part of the world to be with him and I couldnt bring my child, no I would not do it.
I have known someone who's daughter accused her husband of sexual abuse and the mother still chose to support her husband instead of her daughter. So no, I would never put my SO in front of my child. It is important to respect your SO and support them but it is also important to be morally responsible and a protector for your child.
@Sasha2011: there's a difference between putting your husband first. than going out on random dates all the time and abandoning your child because a man asked you to.. I've seen that and in no way does that help a child.. i believe the child needs to see a loving relationship between his parents, even if they're no longer together, he should see that they respect each other.
@dcdt212: agreed.. that happens too often when a mom won't believe her child :( you have to love your husband but you have to protect your child first!!!
My baby's not even here yet (due in March) and DH is already learning that the baby comes first! Also, that my needs, regarding the baby are important too. For example, he wanted to crib in a certain location because it would look better. I wanted it in another because it would be easier for me to multitask while taking care of the baby. Usually I let him make all the decorating and organizing decisions, but this is different.
That being said, it could be that some single moms think they might have their child's best interest at heart by putting a man first so they can ultimately achieve a more stable home environment for the child. Or they were raised that that man in your life comes first.
@Ember78: I don't really understand what context this is coming from...
but...having never been in the situation myself, I do actually think that there might be situations where a single mother should *seemingly* choose a man over her own child, at least for a short period. For example, what if this theoretical mother understands the value of having a more "stable" family than what she can provide on her own, and would like not only a husband for herself, but also someon who can be an active father-figure for her children? Someone could SAY that any time she, for example, leaves her children for a night (with a babysitter,) to go on a date, that in a sense, for that one night she is "choosing" a man over her own children. However, it seems apparent that this is a likely way that she is going to obtain a long-term good; that of finding a husband/father.
Anyhow, I'm not quite sure what the point/background of this question is, since I don't really see a specific example that the OP is referring to, but it is hard to make sweeping generalizations like would you EVER do this, to such a broad question.
When I was a teenager, my mom and I were in counseling due to some serious conflicts we had. We were discussing how I also really conflicted with my stepdad and felt like my mom should be on my side, and the counselor said, "Well, your mom has to side with her husband. She's married to him and their relationship comes first." My mom just nodded. I was honestly really hurt by this, and while I understand that couples should be a united front and not let children pit them against each other, I totally disagree. Whether or not we like it or want it to be this way, couples can and do split up sometimes. The parent-child relationship is for life. Further, two adults are consenting to be in a relationship, but the child didn't choose the situation they are in and are depending on their parent for love and guidance. They have no one else! Can you tell I feel strongly about this?!
& just to add.. my mom divorced my dad,, and she said the number 1 thing she wanted in a man was someone who would love me like a daughter.. she said if he didn't like or I didn't like him that it would never work.. that she would never put me 2nd because of a man.. she found my stepdad who has treated me like his own daughter since I was 10.. I'm so glad my mom always put me first!
It depends I think on the situation. I've seen married or single women putting lots of things before their kids, including drama. DH's ex will use their daughter for absolutely any means necessary, so I think parents put themselves first in a lot of different situations and no I never really think it is ok... but I can definitely understand putting a man first more than I can understand putting something stupid like partying before your kids.
I have a cousin who's a great mom and has finally found a guy she loves and wants to marry. Her oldest daughter is upset about it. She doesn't like the change, sharing her mom, having a guy in the house who doesn't put up with her being disrespectful etc... because she's 13 and that's just how 13 year olds are. Even though her daughter isn't thrilled about it, my cousin knows what's best for her and her children and isn't about to let a kid make her life decisions for her. So I do think you can piss your kids off and date or marry someone even if they resent the sitation, after all the parent IS the parent. And if he's just an awful guy, well... single moms are human too right? They're just as likely to get caught up with an abuser, cheater, manipulator women without children.
Well I also agree with the article mwitter80 posted AND the explanation posted by Sasha2011
As a remarried mom here's my take.....
1. Before even getting into a serious dating relationship it was very clear that my son was a deal maker or deal breaker in who I would date. If I couldn't see a man as a possible FATHER, not just provider or "friend" of my son but a father to love him like I love him as his mother, then we didn't get serious. Infact when DH proposed he made clear that he didn't just love me, but he loved DS & DH calls DS his son and treats him as so.
2. I would never choose abuse of ANY sort over my child or myself for that matter.... pfft I left my sons father b/c he was abusive, I certainly wouldn't let someone else come in and do that.
So, given both of those premises... My husband comes first! End of story. If where his heart is ever comes into question (which WILL happen, even for biological parents) then that is discussed behind close doors and we get back on the same page with the united purposes for our family. If I keep my marriage strong then I keep a strong stable foundation for DS... something that is NEEDED for keeping him secure and his character growing. DS's behavior has shown true that as DH and I stand united he has adjusted very well (I was single for 5 years.. definitley long enough for a boy to move into "no man is good enough for MY mom) and at times where I find myself coming against DH (b/c well I'm not perfect and it DOES happen) DS's behvaior does show change... and it's yet to be for the better. lol.. DH and I stay as one and DS follows suite =)
I've seen blended families where this wasn't the case, where the parent sided with the children, and sad to say I've NEVER seen a successful united family with that as the dynamics. (mind you this is just what I've seen personally) Genereally the children grew up very unstable & rebellious (b/c "their" mom or dad would override the other), the husband and wife have a sub par marriage b/c there isn't the appropriate amount of love & honor, and if the marriage makes it through the children getting out of the house it usually doesn't make it much farther b/c of the distance, bitterness, and resentment that's been built over the years. <-- This is exactly what happened for my ex-husbands family as he grew up and about 5 other friends families.
Of course noone should stay in abuse (whether it's the wife/mother OR the husband/father) but it's important to always remember that the vows made were between husband & wife, not the husband, wife, and present/future children.
I don't believe in family hierarchy. I don't put my husband OR my kids OR myself first. We function as a family. Everyone's needs and wants are constantly evaluated and if a choice has to be made it gets made on a case by case basis. If I had to choose between them, (as in lose the kids or lose the husband) I would choose my kids because it is my responsibility to nurture and protect them.
That being said, I think too many women abandon their marriages and husbands in favor of the children. It's easy to do but marriages need maintenance too. If you forget to water the garden, you won't have a harvest and marriages are no different.
My mom always put men before me. She was in and out of relationships. I was kicked out of the house when she was married to her second husband - we never got along. It was pretty bad. I was pretty much to use to it by then though. Men > daughter.
I think number 1 is to provide a safe, loving, and suportive environment for a child. If a man contributes to that, then great. Every one needs to be part of the equation.
I don't think that people necessarily do it on purpose, or even know they are doing it. We're human and some of us focus on our own selfish needs and desires. I don't think a single parent should live the life of a saint, but it is hard on the kids when the parent introduces a parade of men/women to their child.. and especially if the parent shows an obvious preference for their significant other.
@MissPumpkinPie: This right here is why I was VERY selective of who I even chose to accept dates from... and was just about totally single those whole 5 years. When DH and I DID start dating, it wasn't until I knew we were moving to be more serious that DS came into the picture, and it wasn't until we were getting closer to the wedding that DH began mving into the role of head of house.
On the other hand, I have a very good friend who has been in and out of relationships though and the guys are immediately brought into the picture with the kiddos and it hasn't been good. Definitely hard to watch =/
Never would I ever choose a man over my children. In fact DH and I agreed before we got married that if we ever divorced neither of us will pursue a new relationship until the youngest is 18. My children are dependent on us to feel loved, safe, and accepted and I feel that in the situation where they find their family broken, the least I could do is focus on them instead of someone else.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| hisgoosiegirl | 34 |
| MissBoPeep | 29 |
| Gemstone | 24 |
| Mrs.KMM | 24 |
| Beckster329 | 23 |
| beargoose | 20 |
| BetterSherm | 20 |
| Rivendeler | 20 |
| ndreighton | 19 |
| KCKnd2 | 16 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| MrsCarnival | 2 |
| hammerpants | 2 |
| redheadem | 2 |
| CorgiTales | 1 |
| noopnoop | 1 |
| GoldfishPie | 1 |
| Mrs.KMM | 1 |
| misskoala | 1 |
| jo.lee | 1 |
| shimmerofheaven | 1 |
Out of curiosity, is there any situation where it would be considered acceptable for a single mother to choose a man over her own child? I am in no way endorsing this behavior since it's not fair to the child at all, but I have seen it done by quite a few single moms (and dads) that it made me wonder why some people think it's ok.