Post # 1
My sister-in-law (husband’s sister) just had hi. Mom call us today to tell us she’s pregnant. We have been trying to conceive for almost 3 years. This is her 3rd child! She couldn’t even tell us herself because she was afraid we would hate her! We’ve never done or said anything to give her that idea! Anyway, of course I’m crushed! I don’t know how I’m supposed to watch her get bigger and bigger every week at family dinner and watch her enjoy all the celebration and things I feel like will never happen for me. My husband is no help! When I try to talk about it he immediately gets defensive and says “it’s not her fault she got pregnant. You can’t be mad about it!” That’s not the point. I just want my feelings of hurt and disappointment and anger to be justified and shared. I don’t want to feel alone, which I do, very! Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with her, the family and what I’m facing? PS I’m the closets female relative so people expect me to throw her shower Etc. also how should I deal with my husband. I feel like of we don’t communicate about this better it could really hurt Us. Please help. Thanks.
Post # 2
You’re angry at her or your situation? Because while I think it’s completely fine for you to be angry at your situation, it would be very not okay to be angry at hers. Her being pregnant has no impact whatsoever on your ability to conceive. So while I understand it is difficult to see people with things that you desperately want for yourself, I agree with your husband in this instance.
Maybe you ought to sit down with him and make it clear you’re not angry at her, but at your circumstances, and maybe then he’ll be more responsive to your feelings.
Post # 3
No I’m not angry at her for being pregnant. I am a little angry and hurt that she couldn’t handle it like an adult and tell us herself. My husband knows that although my heart breaks for our situation, I can still be happy for her. Maybe I didn’t make that as clear as I thought I have. His biggest issue is the way he was raised I think. Men just shut down with this sort of thing. His dad is the same way. His grandaft her was too.
Post # 4
The thing is your post a little sounds like you are angry she got pregnant. And whatever you told your husband HE seems to also have thought you were angry she got pregnant (based on his reponse). Her getting pregnant is pretty of hard on your situation. It’s ok to be jealous or pissed or whatever you feel. I think if you are really open about the hurt you feel and how this is a constant reminder, you will feel better. Even just to your husband, the hurt is from your issues really and this just rubs salt in the wound a bit. It’s not her fault, but planning a baby shower when you are 3 years TTC would be hard on anyone. Hopefully you have time to process this and either get really excited about new niece or nephew (and I wouldn’t blame you if that was hard right now) or she can have someone else throw a shower. In fact – 3rd kid and she’s doing a shower? I thought by third kid you just did a bar b que or something. It’s not like you need all brand new stuff every baby. What could be really awesome would be if your DH (so her brother) threw her a backyard co-ed ‘shower’ to celebrate the baby coming. Esp if she doesn’t have a bunch of close females that could be really cool. Also- please don’t be too hurt she didn’t tell you herself. You do seem to be hurt and hurting your sister in law’s feelings to her face isn’t easy on anyone. I’d try and let that go.
Post # 5
goldie.girl: You are upset she didn’t want to tell you … but your title is “… Insanely Jealous!!!” so that’s probably a good indication why she didn’t want to tell you 😛<br />
Post # 6
You said your SIL didn’t tell u herself because she thought you would be mad and yet you come here posting you are jealous and wishing your husband validated your feelings. Your SIL is right.
Just read yout update. No you didn’t make it clear you are happy for her. What it sounds like is that you think she already has enough kids and you want your husband to be just as spiteful.
Post # 7
Reset their expectations and dont throw a shower. Simple. Straight talk makes for clear understanding. When you hear grumblings about a shower pipe up and tell everyone you will not be the host.
People should not expect parties thrown in their honor. People should not assign others to throw parties.
Post # 8
goldie.girl: I think your jealousy and anger are perfectly justified and normal. You can be angry at the unfairness of the situation without being angry at her. You can be jealous and angry that other people seem to find getting pregnant easy while it’s not happening for you. it doesn’t mean you’re angry ather for be getting pregnant. But you need to face the anger and jealousy and try to deal with it as best you can and make sure to separate your feelings about the situation from your feelings towards her.
Post # 9
I think I understand what the OP means. She wants her husband to sympathize, saying, “I’m sorry we’re not pregnant yet. It hurts and life isn’t fair.” That’s totally understandable! That’s what I want to hear from people, too, but it seems like men sometimes have a hard time giving that kind of response. Recognize that your DH probably feels sad, too, and find a female friend who will sympathize. I would just tell your DH you are sad about your own situation but happy for your sister in law and you just need a hug. Hopefully it’s your turn next!
Post # 10
I think your anger about her not “telling you like an adult” is just displaced anger/jealousy about the pregnancy. She spared you all the awkward announcement convo- so what.
You need to try really hard to combat your feelings (which are understandable) with logic. Her getting pregnant has zero to do with you and your fertility. Tell yourself that over and over!
also in no way shape or form do you need to throw her a shower. That’s just cruel and unusual punishment and I would be very clear to anyone that hints about it that it ain’t happening.
Post # 11
Frankly, if your outward actions are anything like this post- I would have avoided telling you about my pregnancy too. I get that life is not fair. But she doesn’t owe you anything just because you are having trouble conceiving- not a pregnancy anouncement, explanation etc. In fact, it sounds like she was TRYING to be sensitive, but you can’t see beyond what this pregnancy means for YOU.
Post # 12
Okay, I think everyone has been a little judgemental and harsh on the OP. God forbid I won’t use this forum to ask for advice! <br /><br />Goldie.girl – your feelings of jealousy and spitefulness are normal for someone having fertility issues. And maybe your SIL can sense that and that’s why she didn’t tell you. You also need to realize that the reason you are upset is not really because SHE IS pregnant, it’s because YOU are NOT pregnant. So don’t take your feelings out on her, because years down the road you will regret having been so negative towards such a happy time for your family. Channel your feelings and focus on what the real issue is and deal with it as best you can. Sitting around and moping around and not participating in the pregnancy may be the easiest thing to do, but it’s not going to make you any more pregnant or her any less pregnant. It’s not going to help anyone, instead it’s going to cause more hurt. <br /><br />Your time will come to be this happy and excited – there are a million ways to have a baby now! Heck, you don’t even have to carry your baby , you can have someone else do it for you. So don’t be so discouraged.
Post # 13
goldie.girl: It’s really hard to struggle with infertility and to also work through others’ success no matter how happy we are for them. Maybe try popping into the 1+ yrs TTC thread. Lots of us have been trying for several years. It’s great support xox
Post # 14
my SIL is also pregnant, AND my sister! And here i am about to talk to the doctor about why i have been off birth control for 10 months and nothing. Its ok to have that PANG of jealousy. But you have to move past it and be supportive. Its not her fault, and its not the babies fault, and its not something to punish her for. You will have your moment. Just not today.
Post # 15
Struggling with your own fertility while others close to you are pregnant can be super challenging. I don’t think you’re necessarily mad at her… it just really hurts to want something so bad, work so hard for it, and see other people get it when you aren’t.
Try not to have negative feelings against her or her actions of not wanting to tell you in person. She was likely trying to be sensitive to the fact that she knows you guys want a baby but it’s taking longer than planned. At least she is trying to be considerate, even if it’s hurtful that she was scared to give you guys the news herself.
Your DH probably is having his own trouble navigating this…I mean it’s his sister, he wants to be happy for her. Men have a different perspective on TTC…they don’t tend to connect other people’s pregnancies as something related to their own struggles in concieving. Women on the otherhand tend to connect with other people’s pregnancies and have more envy, etc when it isn’t them (if that makes any sense).
Do you and your FI know why it is taking you so long to concieve (if you don’t mind me asking)?
Just try not to form resentment over this. Try to find the joy and happiness in it. Be happy for your SIL.