Post # 1
I’m so freaking ticked that my sister invited her best friend as her guest — because I didn’t give my sister a +1 at all.
(We used the same criteria a lot of you use: guests get a +1 if they’re married/engaged/living with/dating for longer than a year, or if they won’t know anyone at the wedding.)
If my sister invited a new boyfriend that we hadn’t planned on inviting, I’d be frazzled but wouldn’t see it as anything other than a misunderstanding on her part. But that she’s inviting a friend will create frustrations for the other BMs, FH’s sister and my step-siblings who didn’t get +1s.
Worse, when my sister said months ago she was bringing her friend, I clarified that we weren’t inviting her friend and that we have a strict budget and guest list. She seemed to agree to this, and now we’re back here again.
Am I a major b!tch if I ask her to go back to her friend and say she misunderstood, she didn’t understand our wedding was for intimate family and friends only? It just seems the easiest thing to do given that letting all the other people bring +1s will set us back a few thousand dollars, and we don’t want any family tensions. (Although I’m okay with just getting over my frustration and accepting it if that’s what I have to do.)
Post # 3
If your sister wasn’t a bridesmaid, I would say yes, just tell her to explain the situation and basically uninvite her friend. However, I was under the impression that it is proper etiquette to offer the members of your wedding party a +1 whether they fit your +1 criteria or not. :S
If you weren’t planning to do that for your other BMs and GMs, then I guess you should have her explain things to her friend.
Post # 4
No, you’re not a major bitch! You need to say something to her right now! You told her long ago that the budget did not permit extra guests, it is not fair to the others who won’t be able to bring a guest. Nip this in the bud immediately.
Post # 5
@Juliepants: After you wrote that, I Googled “do bridesmaids automatically get +1s” and ended up on this debate. Seems to be split opinion on this.
I’m not automatically giving +1s to the wedding party because my BMs are not buying dresses, we want an intimate celebration, and given that we’ll all be busy, it seems like their dates would be stuck by themselves, knowing no one.
Post # 6
That was rude on her part after she knew you weren’t inviting her friend. I would make it clear to her that you aren’t extending an invite and that she should tell her friend. I wouldn’t say anything to her friend, when the invites go out and she doesn’t get one I think she realize she isn’t invited. I have four brothers, Fi has a sister and brother, can you imagine how many extra guests we have if they all got a plus one. The only ones getting plus ones out of our siblings are the ones with spouses in committed relationships.
My heads being blown by all this etiquette I’ve never heard of until being on the Bee. I’ve been in five weddings and only got plus ones for two of them. We are extending plus ones to only half of our wedding party, the ones who are married/dating, and one of my bridesmaid who doesn’t know anyone else.
Post # 7
@TwoCityBride: The invites went out and people are already RSVPing. My sister left me a vm last week saying it served as her RSVP (fine), but made no mention of her bringing along her friend! My mom happened to mention it tonight. Sheesh!
Post # 8
uhh your sister shouldnt have done that number one.. two, she is a BM and has her duties.. who is going to entertain her BFF?
Post # 9
It’s really up to you.
I agree that it was a big no-no for her to do this without making sure (for real) and knowing that you didn’t want her to. But honestly I’d just let her do it, chances are at least 1 person will RSVP “No” and your numbers will be fine. But that is just me. I gave all of my bridal party a +1 including my brothers who do not have girlfriends. But again, it’s up to you! There is no right or wrong here, in my opinion.
Post # 10
Unless she has never been to a wedding, I think most people know if they don’t get an invitation they aren’t invited.
Can your Mom handle it if she knows the bff?
Post # 11
This is why I’m not having a bridal party. But I personally would allow BP to each have a +1, its just seems fair.
Post # 13
I am dealing with something similar. My cousin who I asked to sing at my wedding who is single informed me that she would be inviting a friend from work who I do not know, and who she is not dating. And she wants him to get up and sing with her at the reception to a song that I believe does not fit. She is trying to use my wedding as a time to show off with her friend. Not Cool. Also I did not give her a +1. My stepmom who is her aunt also agrees that this is not appropriate and she is going to handle it. I would not give in if I were you.
Post # 14
I don’t know. It’s your SISTER. I realized that what she did wasn’t cool, and it was definitely disrespectful to you. But it’s your SISTER. Is it worth creating WWIII over it? I would try talking to her about it, but be the bigger person and stay calm… don’t pull the “I’m the bride and this is what we want” attitude, but approach it from the point of “Sis, unfortunately, our guest list is small for a reason, here is what it is, and this is why it’s important to me. Can you tell me why you invited your friend after I didn’t give you a +1?”
Believe it or not, even though it’s your sister and you’re planning a wedding, SOME PEOPLE DON’T KNOW ALL THE RULES. I didn’t know about the +1 rules until I planned my own wedding. She might be worried that she’ll be bored at the reception. Some people have social anxiety issues that you don’t know about. Maybe she’s feeling a little left out with all the attention being on you and wanted her BFF there to have a partner for the day to make her feel better and because she’d have more fun with them there. Or maybe she didn’t realize that she couldn’t invite a guest. Either way, you should be talking to her about it. This is not the same as a random cousin or guest wanting to bring their new boyfriend. This is your sister, and your bridesmaid. It’s worth being a little benevolent.
I think it’s worth talking it out with your sister. At the end of the day, if ONE extra +1 comes to your wedding, it won’t ruin the day. And your sister will still be your sister long after the wedding is over, so it’s time to pick your battles.
ETA: I realize that you’re worried about what other bridal party members will think- you could always tell them that the BFF was an invited guest. You don’t have to explain yourself. OR, tell them you’re the bride, it’s your sister, and you’re making an exception for her. Either way, you don’t really need to explain your choices, this isn’t your place of employment, it’s just a wedding and you can make exceptions to the rule if you want. I allowed three guests to bring babies after we specifically didn’t invite kids. NO ONE was mad at me. NO ONE complained. And after the wedding was over, we all went back to our lives and everything was peachy.
Post # 15
@Miss Root: Yes, but I feel like I ALREADY had that convo with her, back in November when she first mentioned it. I was polite, explained why and said why we couldn’t accommodate her friend. Now it feels like she was just going to show up with her friend, and it’s ticking me off because it throws things off but also because she’s disregarding my wishes. Worse, it feels like she’s intentionally disregarding them, banking that I’ll just concede because “[she’s my] SISTER.”
As I said at the end of my post at the top, I said that I could get over it if that’s what I have to do. But I wanted to get folks opinion on whether I can push back firmly but politely, or whether I just have to give in.
ETA: My sister works in the wedding industry, so it would absolutely SHOCK me if she didn’t know that you can’t bring a guest who wasn’t invited and that another guest costs the bride more $. (Sister isn’t paying for anything, btw.)
Post # 16
@zagora: married/engaged or established couple for guests BUT the wedding party must be extended a plus one. If you know it is impossible and you have a single bridesmaid then it is best to tell her IMMEDIATELY (the second you finish asking her to be a BM) that due to size and/or budget restraints you can not give her a plus one. Otherwise as a member of the wedding party etiquette would dictate she can assume she has a plus one just as it dictates she must pay for her dress.