Post # 1
I have a major wedding problem.
My only sister and I don’t usually get along very well. Growing up, I’d always thought that she’d be in my wedding. My mom would also not be happy if I didn’t ask her to be in it. She’s not my MOH, but I did ask her to be a bridesmaid (even though it was a hard decision because of our relationship recently).
My fiance is from New Zealand. I have moved to New Zealand (from Minnesota) and we are going to have the ceremony here in November. Months after asking my sister to be a BM, after dress shopping, and after she bought the strapless bridesmaid dress, she decided to schedule an appoinment for a half sleeve tattoo. She already has one on her other arm that is floral, and I am ok with that one because she has had it for years already. I asked her if she would postpone getting her new tattoo until after my wedding, and she flipped out, said she wouldn’t cover it up, and said she wouldn’t be a bridesmaid.
A few weeks later, she told me that she wasn’t going to come to my wedding because it costs too much. She says that her decision not to come is financial and not because my wedding isn’t important, but when she is able to save for an expensive tattoo that she could get anytime and not able to save for a trip to my wedding, I’m not convinced that she’s really trying.
I want her to be a BM, partially because I’ve always thought she would be and partially because I don’t want to rip my family apart, but I also would like her to postpone her tattoo (please note: I’m not telling her never to get it! I have a tattoo on my foot so I’m not against tattoos in general).
What should I do?
Post # 3
If you want her to be in your wedding, apologize for asking her to postpone or cover the new tattoo.
Seems to me you can either have her and the new tattoo in your wedding, or neither.
Post # 4
I’ve never got a tattoo, but I’m guessing it’s a lot cheaper than flying half way around the world and back. I would take it at face value: she can’t afford to come to your wedding, because she’s got her own life to live. She certainly isn’t obliged to go to your wedding.
Post # 5
I realize that the trip is expensive. However, she is working and making money. Even if I told her that the tattoo didn’t matter, she still doesn’t think she’d be able to pay for one trip here. I find that hard to believe because my fiance and I are both able to save enough money for a trip back to MN in June as well as another one the next February, AND pay for our wedding.
Post # 6
I can see why she would get mad at you for asking her to postpone getting her tattoo. This is a form of self expression and you’re essentially telling her your wedding is more important. I personally do not think it’s fair to ask someone to postpone getting ink done for a wedding.
That being said, canceling on you is pretty crappy of her. She doesn’t have money to go anymore when before you mention postponing the tattoo she had the money to go to your wedding. I would be pretty upset if one of my sisters did this to me. It would kind of seem like she is chosing the tattoo over her own sisters wedding. The only reason I can imagine she decided this is maybe because her tattoo will be way cheaper than flying over to your wedding? I don’t if that’s true becasue getting half a sleeve is pretty expensive. Or maybe she’s been saving for a long time to get this tattoo and going to your wedding might keep her from getting her tattoo like she planned? Other than that she’s probably just really hurt by you asking her to postpone her tattoo.
Maybe your parent can help her out in order for her to be able to go to your wedding? Why don’t you tell her that you’re hurt because she has money for a tattoo and not for your wedding?
Post # 6
Hmm… well it IS pretty expensive to get a half sleeve, so it does sorta suck that she can afford that but not coming to your wedding. I moved to Korea though, and a roundtrip flight back to New York costs more than my half-sleeve by a good deal. (It’s almost twice as expensive to fly home.) Is it possible she underestimated the cost, then got a look at it and realized it was impossible? If she can afford it and isn’t trying, that just stinks and I’m sorry.
You can’t ask someone to delay their tattoo though. I’d probably delay a tattoo a little if it’d be HEALING during the wedding, since that’d be pretty gross and no fun for me. Key word being a little — days, weeks maybe… but if your date is correct, that’s WAY too long to ask someone to delay something they want as much as that, especially when most people don’t get a tattoo the first time they think of it. This could have been in the works for months or more.
My half sleeve was a life event to me, it was hugely important, (it was in the works for five years) and once the wheels were in motion I don’t think I’d have waited nearly a year for anybody.
You could ask her to cover it with a shawl or something for photos, but I’d be a little annoyed by that too, honestly. Is it offensive material or something? You say you’re ok with the old tattoo because she’s had it for “years” but by the time your wedding rolls around (if your stated date is right) she’ll have had this one for almost a year anyway. I’m having trouble seeing the difference.
Post # 8
Flying to New Zealand is expensive, if you really want her there can’t you help pay for it? I also think you should say sorry for going nuts about the tattoo, of she already has one arm done it hardly makes a difference if she gets the other done.
Post # 9
Look at it this way- you insulted her choice to get a tattoo on her body and even told her to cover it up for your wedding. If someone did that to you would you be eager to spend your hard earnt cash to fly half way around the world to attend their wedding? To forgo other things and scrimp and save to go visit someone that insulted you?
Basically on her priority list you and your weding dropped down ten -100 spots when you insulted her. Prior to the insult she was probably more than willing to make the trip work but now well I say she is thinking screw you. What would be her motivation now that you have insulted her?
Post # 10
I don’t understand, why did you want her to postpone the tattoo? You said you aren’t against them and she already had one, so why would the next one make a difference?
That really was an insult to her. You really do need to apologise.
However, in the end, if she still decides not to come to your wedding, I think you’ll be better off without her. Apologise and if she still doesn’t come, that is on her, not you.
Post # 11
She had already decided not to come before we even talked about her new tattoo, so our conversation didn’t spark that choice. I’m hurt that she’d choose to not come to my wedding. I’m insulted that she chose doing something that she could reschedule instead of even making an effort to come to my wedding, which will only happen once.
My parents have already offered to pay for her flight, but she told them not to.
I’m not against tattoos in general, but I do see weddings as a more formal occassion, and it’s not unheard of for people to cover their tattoos for formal occassions like weddings. As far as I’ve heard, hew new tattoo is going to be very bold.
Post # 12
Did she decline your parent’s help before or after you two had the tattoo discussion? She might of gotten upset at your suggestion and would rather not attend even if she claims it’s not becuse of the tattoo issue.
Are you willing to have her there with her new tattoo and not have her cover it? If so talk to her and tell her you really would appreciate her support and presence the day you get married and don’t care about her tattoos showing. Basically apologize and she might just stop being stubborn and be supportive of you and will show up. I would imagine you would much prefer to look back at your wedding day and remember having your sister stand by you as you embark in your new life. Instead of letting unimportant things ruin your relationship.
Post # 13
@kholla: You have no right to tell her to postpone her tattoo. None.
Post # 14
To clarify: I did not tell her to do anything. I asked her.
Post # 15
I know it’s not the popular choice but I can see why you’d ask her to postpone her tattoo. I’ll probably get flamed for this but it’s my opinion so I’ll say it without shame, I really don’t care much for tattoo’s especially sleeve tattoos with formal dresses.
The combination is very strange looking to me and just isn’t attractive in my opinion.
OP, she sounds like she doesn’t care much about attending your wedding regardless of your choice to address the tattoo issue. I would just let it be and accept that if your wedding was something she really wanted to attend, then she’d find a way.
Post # 16
OP, you really didn’t make that clear before. It completely changes the story if she said “Hey, I can’t come to your wedding because it costs to much” and then later said “Hey! I’m getting this really awesome (and totally expensive) new tattoo!”
I can certainly see why you would ask her to postpone the tattoo, it is not that you are asking her to postpone a tattoo, rather you are asking her to postpone an expensive and non-essential purchase so that perhaps she is able to actually attend your wedding. It’s the same thing as asking her to put off buying a new pair of designer shoes until after the wedding.
Are you sure that she didn’t misinterpret your “could you please get it another time so that you have money to travel” to “I would be embarrassed by you with another tattoo”? Is so, this might be why she declined your parents generous offer.
For those saying that flights are expensive, yes, they are expensive, around $2500AUD, but sleeve tattoos start at $1000AUD. Putting off that tattoo would help in a big way to getting her to the wedding.
She said no to this AND your parents offered to pay?
My advice is still mostly the same, make sure that she didn’t misunderstand your intentions and then ask again if she is willing to come.
If she isn’t then I stand by what I said previously: If she decides not to come it sounds like you’ll be better off without her.