Post # 1
So I’ve posted on here once or twice about my little sister’s upcoming nuptials. Her date is December 5th, and she has already made some deposits on the church and reception venue, plus she has signed contracts (but not put down money) with the officiant, photographer, dj, etc… Her couples shower is suppoed to happen this weekend, which I’ve been planning with my mom.
Unfortunately, my sister and her fiance are experiencing some major problems right now. A huge part of it has to do with the fact that they both got back within the last few months from a 9 month deployment to Iraq. They also have some more basic relationship/communication issues that need to be worked out. Luckily, after having a couple long conversations this week, they have decided to take advantage of military-provided counseling services, both couples counseling and individual therapy. Because they recognize the amount of work ahead of them, they’ve also decided to postpone the wedding.
Here’s the tricky part: My sister doesn’t want to tell anyone they are postponing the wedding until after they get home from the couples shower next week. She said that it will just be too hard to tell everyone in person; it’d be easier to do it over the phone where she has an escape from the conversation if it gets too emotional for her. She also asked if my husband and I could take all of their shower gifts home to our house so they don’t have to deal with sending them back next week when they officially call off the wedding.
I’m trying to be sensitive to the fact that this is a really hard time for her and her fiance, but I feel kinda uncomfortable lying to everyone at the shower that the wedding plans are still on. At the same time, I really don’t think it’s my place to tell everyone that they’ve cancelled. So, hive, what would you do? Should I just sit back and keep my mouth shut, even though I feel like I’m lying to everyone too? Or should I speak up and “spill the beans,” so to speak, even though it’s really not my place to break that kind of news?
Post # 3
Don’t spill the beans! They could work it out and then you have lost the trust of your sister. Its hard to lie to everyone but what if the role was reversed and you didn’t want your sister to tell something? It would be too big of a loss to lose a sister relationship and others will be okay with you not telling because it was out of respect to the bride to be.
Post # 4
- Wedding: January 2010 - Trinity Presbyterian Church/Harrison Opera House
I would talk to them and say how you’re uncomfortable lying at the shower. If the wedding is officially postponed, then the shower should be cancelled. I were a shower attendant, I would be a little miffed that I had spent money on a gift when they knew they were going to postpone it. You and your mom could do the cancelling so that your sister doesn’t have to field the emotional questions. Personally, I would think it would be a huge emotional strain for your sister to have to go through the couples shower, knowing the status of the relationship.
I’m sorry to hear about their issues. Coming back from deployment is a very difficult thing and a big strain on an already strained relationship. Def. try to encourage them as much as you can. It’s a difficult transition and they need a lot of care and support as they get used to America, each other, and day to day life again.
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2010 - The Mountain Terrace, Woodside, CA
I agree, I think the shower needs to be called off. It would be so uncomfortable for the few of you who do know the wedding is going to be postponed, and if I were a guest, I’d be a bit upset if I learned a week later that the wedding was off.
Is there some reason your sister doesn’t want to just call the shower off? It’s a shame to spend money on food and decor for nothing.
Post # 6
Wow, that’s tricky. I don’t think that you should “spill the beans,” simply because it’s up to your sister as to when she tells people. Someone mentioned earlier that maybe you could talk to her about being uncomfortable lying to people during the shower. I think this is a good idea. Even though she might feel uncomfortable telling everyone now, think about how awkward it will be when everyone wants to talk to her about her wedding plans at the shower.
Post # 7
I was engaged before and initally postponed the wedding. Just telling people it was postponed was hard. But he and I both needed the time to figure out if we wanted to get married or not. Ultimately we decided not to get married. It was extremely embrassing. You feel so guilty about all the money and time spent in planning the wedding and mostly you feel like a failure. Your sister needs you now more then ever. I would agree that they need to postpone the shower. You don’t have to cancel it but just postpone it. Then if the wedding never happens the shower doesn’t either. Just tell everyone that they just got back from deployment and are needing time to adjust to being home.
Post # 8
Oh yikes. Have you asked her how she’d feel pretending at the shower that everything is ok? It seems like some family members (you, your mom?) could make some phone calls ahead of time to let guests know that the shower has been cancelled. I can’t imagine being the bride and having to pretend like everything is ok…
Post # 9
Um, I’m having a couples shower this weekend and our wedding is March. So unless they’re postponing a TON, there (as of now) still is a wedding and I would still have the shower. I think you should hold onto the gifts for her but only send back if they decide to not get married. I would be PISSED if I prepared for a shower, had it called off the weekend before, then had another shower 6 mo later for the same wedding that was just happening later. Inconvenient!
Post # 10
Are they postponing or cancelling? I think in this situation there is a big difference. If they’re DEFINITELY postponing and it’s not like a year or something then I’d say lie. BUT if they are CANCELING then she should tell everyone and cancel the shower. I’d be a bit PO’d if I spent the time & money to get to the shower to find out they already knew they were canceling the wedding.
Post # 11
Just as a practical issue – it is going to cost a FORTUNE to send back the gifts afterwards! Not to mention the hassle of doing so. Where will you even get enough boxes to ship them all in? I got three carloads of gifts at my shower. I think that your mom needs to postpone the shower. Nobody needs to know the reason. I think the commenter above who suggested telling the guests that they needs time to adjust from deployment is enough of an explanation.
Post # 12
At this point, they are postponing and have not set a new date. They just decided for sure to postpone last night, but they had been talking about it (privately) for a few weeks before this.
I guess it’s really hard because nobody else knows that the wedding is going to be postponed. She hasn’t told my mom, she hasn’t told any of the other bridal party members, or friends, or other family… only my husband and I know. I definitely think the shower should just be called off, but she wants to just pretend like everything’s ok until they go back home.
For those of you who think I should get involved in the telling… Do you think I should let my mom know and just kinda take the reins in cancelling the shower? Or do you think I should try to convince my sister to tell my mom, and then my mom and I can still handle the cancellations for her? We talked this morning when she told they had officially decided to postpone, and I told her how uncomfortable I am with going through with a fake shower. At the same time, though, I want to be sensitive to her situation and not push her. She’s dealing with a lot of stuff right now, and I think the emotions (embarrassment, anger, rejection, etc…) that she will inevitably feel when she tells everyone their decision seems overwhelming.
Post # 13
I can see her point of view, but having this shower does not seem right. Would she be more comfortable if your mom called things off for her? Then she only has to make the announcement once.
Post # 14
If I were you I would tell them that you are uncomfortable helping them fib about the situation and that you strongly feel they should call off the shower. Maybe as her sister you can take on the responsiblity of making the phone calls and/or e-mails to let everyone know the shower will have to be cancelled and you will contact them at a later date to let them know when the new one is.
Post # 15
- Wedding: May 2018 - Coyaba Resort, Montego Bay
I definitely think they should cancel the shower, but I think you should talk to your sister & maybe offer to help her call everyone and explain, etc. But only after you’ve received her permission to do it – otherwise, I think I would just keep quiet.
Sorry to hear she is going through this – but it sounds like they are taking the right steps! That has to be comforting to everyone involved. Good for them!
Post # 16
UPDATE – I kept my mouth shut. All the way up until Friday night I was encouraging her to just say the word, and my mom and I would completely take over cancelling the shower, letting everyone know about the postponement, etc… She didn’t want to, though, so I just kept my mouth shut. We had the shower yesterday (sunday), and everything actually went pretty well…
I’m not sure where things are going from here. They went to one counseling session, and now my FBIL wants to put the wedding back on. My sis is still kinda apprehensive about it, though, and I think she still wants to postpone. We’ll see.
Overall, I’m really glad I didn’t say anything this weekend. I super appreciate your support and advice, bees! You’re the best. 🙂