Weddingbee boards

Hi everyone.  I'm three months out from my wedding right now and I am really stuck.  I could use some advice.

My sister, who is five years older than me, has been pretty much my only family since our mom died in 2000.  We have always been very close. There is a great deal of pressure on our relationship being the "only ones" there for each other.  She is not married.  We live together in a house with a roommate who is our good friend.

My FI and I made a mutual decision not to live together before we got married.  Now I wish we did.  I am three months out from my wedding and I still don't know where we are going to live.  My FI and I had a long, really positive talk with my sister about how to move ahead (this is because she and I and the roomie share a house my sister and I both own, but my sister could not afford to live in without me).  We offered to move into the house, which needs a LOT of work, and fix it up, and pay rent.  This way she could financially go and find a new place and not have to worry about anything with the house.

We also said if she wanted to we would buy out her share.  OR if she wanted to find another roommate or some other way to cover the additional costs, we were more than happy to move into our own place adn she could stay in the house.

The thing is, this was over a month ago and I told her I needed a decision by July 1, so he and I could start to plan our future together.  Meanwhile she is asking for extra time, she asked if maybe he and I could delay moving into the house till well after our wedding, so she could have more time because she is too busy right now to find an apartment...what it really is is she is scared and has a lot of mixed feelings about moving out of the house.  She says she feels "kicked out" but I have tried to explain to her that the only thing "kicking her out" is that she can't afford the place and doesn't want to get strangers as roommates.  It's just reality.  

I guess I am just losing my mind because this is causing major tension between us and meanwhile I can't plan my future with my husband. My sister pouts and acts like a victim in the situation, which is typical. It's not that I don't understand and sympathize with her feelings, it's that I can't understand how she can let them stall my life, my FI's, hers AND our roommate's.  My FI is losing patience too.

Every time I try to "put my foot down" she just hates my guts and acts like I am the most selfish, horrible, bitchy evil person in the world who doesnt care about her and is the puppet of my FI.  I told her that I could give her at the most till the middle of July to have a decision but after that my FI and I would need to move forward and just get a new place together, and she would then need to find a way to pay for the increased expenses of living in the house without me.  That did not go over well, she treated me like I was the worst person in the world.

What do I do?  I feel like all I can do is wait. 

Yes, I totally understand that she's scared too.  I have been trying to help her, I have been taking a lot of time out of my schedule (you can imagine it's pretty busy right now with full time demanding job, wedding planning, etc) to have long talks with her about the transition, and I have been sending her listings I think she'd like, and giving her as much advice as I can.  But I feel like it's never enough, sigh.  This is a pattern with her, we can spend an entire day talking about something, and she will feel cared for and supported for that day, but a couple of days later, it's back to her being resentful or depressed.  

Kate, you are right, she hates to make decisions.  She really has a lot of difficulty with it.  I am trying to be firm but she hates that.  If I'm not firm she doesn't take it seriously.  Sigh.  I don't know what to do, I think this is just a situation that will sort itself out.  But it's pretty ugly right now.  I confess I am very angry with her for not being able to handle this better.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this so close to your special day. My relationship with my sister is similar to yours - our mother died 12 years ago, and it's really been just us since then, so when we argue, have problems, or let each other down in big ways, it's definitely very hard to cope with. It's amazing how weddings bring out the worst in people who say they love you.

It sounds to me like she's a little jealous of your happiness and impending marriage, and the living arrangement issue is a safe way of showing it without outwardly coming out and saying anything. You say she's your older sister. Is there a pattern of you always taking care of things and letting her take the back seat on things? If so, it might make it more difficult for her to get her ducks in a row, so to speak, and you may have to take more of a role in the process. I understand you don't want to make her decision for her, as she may come to resent it and you in the long run. You also need to decide what you and your FH will do, regardless of her decision. If she's putting off making a decision, you may need to make your decision without hers, and stick to it. 

I do agree that you need to need to give her til the middle of the month if you said she could have that time. One question though: is this a house you own together, as in both your names are on the mortgage? 

Good luck with this and keep us updated. I hope it all works out!

Chianti,

Wow, it's great to hear from you since you definitely share so many similarities!  I find sometimes it's hard to explain the dynamic between me and my sister after losing my mom, no one really gets it, but it's very real.  And we are very important to each other.

Anyway, yes, we both own the house.  The reason I am pushing the decision is because she cannot afford to live in the house without two people sharing it (right now its me and our roommate).  So she really needs to make a decision about how she is going to handle that.  I know she doesn't really want to get another roommate, a stranger.  So that's why I offered the two solutions of either me and my FI moving in -- and paying full rent -- while fixing the place up, in order to free her up financially, or we also offered to buy the house free and clear from her.  I am really open to any decision she makes, as long as she makes one soon.

She tells me she feels "kicked out."  But while I understand that feeling, she is not being "kicked out" -- this is just a financial reality that we need to face.  If she is not willing to make a decision to get additional roommates -- and soon -- she can't stay there, no one is kicking her out.  But she really seems to think that, I dont know, somehow she should magically be able to stay there.

And yes, although she's my older sister, I have always taken the lead on things.  It's our dynamic.  She wants to be taken care of. Sigh. 

Well, it definitely sounds to  me like she doesn't want things to change, but change is coming whether she wants it or not. And yes, it's a big financial reality that needs to be faced, and sooner rather than later. 

If your name wasn't on the mortgage, I'd say the best thing would be for you and your husband to find another place to live and let her figure out what to do. But, since your name is on the mortgage, if she can't pay and defaults, it goes on your credit report. More important than where she's going to live once you are married is the fact that you are financially tied to her. Is this a situation that you're OK with long-term? How does your FI feel about it? What happenes when the two of you want to buy a house of your own? These are serious issues which you need to decide for yourself, regardless of what she wants or doesn't want. It sounds to me like there's only really two options here: she stays and finds a way to pay for it, or you stay and she finds another place.

This may sound harsh, but she needs to grow up and learn to stand on her own and take care of herself. Once you're married, you can't spend your time taking care of her - your first priority will be your husband and any children you may have in the future. I get the feeling that either way, you're either kicking her out or abandoning her, neither of which is true. You are merely in a different place in life than her, with someone else as your first priority, and she doesn't like it. I don't know that there's a way to come out of this that isn't going to be emotionally draining, but I hope for both your sakes that you can find a solution that works for you both.

I know how difficult this is and I feel for you. Big hive ((HUGS)) coming your way!

Hey everyone!  I did not realize anyone replied after my last post and I am so glad I checked again!  You all have such wonderful advice and are so supportive.  I am really grateful.

I have also been feeling like she is acting childish about this whole situation.  Of course I understand her feelings of being abandoned, or frightened, or displaced.  I'm sure I'd have some of the same feelings.  But I also know that I would be personally mortified to hold up three other people's lives (mine, my FI's, and our roommates) by my inability to make a decision or accept reality.

Doctorgirl, as for the idea of us moving in together, the three of us, I don't think it would work out.  I actually don't think my sister would even be into it, but even if so, I know my FI wants to start our lives together as a couple, and so do I.  I have been financially and personally tied to my sister in many ways, in the same way you might be tied to a partner, and some of those ties need to be broken now.  Emotionally I always want to be close to her!  But I think it is time for our practical lives to become less intertwined. 

My FI actually prefers to buy her out, but she feels like this house is her only financial security at the moment, so he and I are willing to move in, pay rent, AND fix the place up (my sister and I would pay for that, since we are the owners).  This is the best situation for her financially but she doesn't feel like she can move out by October 1, which is the deadline we set for when he and I would want to move in.  I don't know why she doesnt' think she can do that.  I think emotionally she cant handle it, because obviously that is plenty of time.

He and I are pretty much fine doing anything -- getting a place of our own, moving in her and renting, or buying her out.  She just can't make up her mind.  And only the situations of us moving in her, either buying or renting, make financial sense for her. 

Anyway, I am just starting to get very angry at her.  My bridal shower is this Saturday, July 11, and she is planning it, so it's hard because tonight I just want to say, listen, I am angry at you, you can't hold up my life anymore!  But I feel guilty because she is planning my shower.  On the other hand, tonight and tomorrow night she is going out (not to party, but also not for stuff that she could not put aside until she makes a decision).  I really don't feel like she is prioritizing this decision, she is rebelling against being given a deadline by moving along in denial.  I can't tell you how frustrating it is, not only to be held up by it, but to see how crazy her behavior is.  Denial doesn't solve anything... 

Anyway, I told her I needed a decision by June 30 and I have given her some extra time, but I agree July 15 is the deadline.  I just know what's going to happen.  She's not going to make up her mind.  Then it will be too late, and she will fall apart realizing she's screwed and can't afford it...

Well you all are right, this will just be water under the bridge soon.  I am just starting to get angry. 

EngagedtoPanda...I see you think maybe we are kicking her out.  I have offered to buy her out, as in, pay her 50% of what the house value.  Or the other option is to move into the house with my FI and pay rent, which woudl be split between me and my sister as co-owners.  Hell, I could even consider forgoing my portion of the "rent" and giving it to her if it would help her out. 

 My FI and I would live here and fix up the place using money from both me and my sister as co-owners.  In this case, she ends up making more money because we are paying rent and gets the benefit of not having to oversee all the work that needs to be done, and then when it's done she could move back here and get roommates again if she wants, or maybe we both rent it...I do understand that she does not want to be "forced out" but my FI and I do not want or need to live here with her financially and I really don't think that's the best start for us, to all live together. 

I'm trying to offer her options that make financial sense for her...that's why I like the rent option...we pay rent, she gets extra money, and then at the end of the repairs she still has half the house and we can rent it out, or she or I could move back in...who knows!