Post # 1
I want to be objective to allow honest feedback…I’m confused/stressed/sad…
Wedding is in 6 weeks, 8 weeks ago my older sister and I stopped talking.
Me: Recent college grad, younger sister, been with FI for 4.5 years, good job, just bought first home, very independent (bought all my cars myself, paid for college myself, worked my way through college and paid all bills myself), I’m the only one in the family who graduated and I make a good income-my family considers this the most in the whole family (I grew up poor), regularly attend church, non smoker, occasional drinker (5-6x/year), small handful of friends (I’m shy), best friend is FI-he is great, good job, great heart, will be an awesome husband/dad.
Sister: 2 years older, enrolled and dropped out of college 4 times (2 times had full tuition paid for), smokes weed and cigarettes regularly, drinks weekly, bartender, two major relationships of over 3 years, rents house, moves annualy with different roommates each time, makes friends easily but has a new crowd annually, drops to rock bottom and cries to me wanting to change herself but then goes back to old routine.
Situation: Sister had abortion (I’m prolife) told me about it before [email protected] she blows up on me and I become emotional when my dad tells me to give her a break bc she had a miscarriage-I tell him she’s mad @ herself bc of her abortion and taking it out on me. My dad gets mad @ me 1 month later and tells my sister I betrayed her (have never been close with my dad-he has been institutionalized for mental problems and drug problems). My sister became irate and threatened to take my future in laws out to lunch and ruin my engagement and sent multiple messages to my FI telling him I’m unstable and unloyal and marrying me will be a big mistake. I have ceased all contact with her and my dad, she was my MOH. She is now pregnant again. I am devastated about all of this-I just wanted a happy family and a time to have my family actually celebrate something instead of constant drama. My family thinks that I am selfish-I think this view is unfair-I think they can’t be happy for me. When my sister told me of her abortion I cried and she was shocked-she laughed at first saying how angry I would have been at her to have the first child. I felt hurt she felt that way bc I would have loved to have been an aunt-I’m a pediatric nurse, I love kids.
Post # 3
Well it seems that you have a lot going on. I am sorry that it’s all happening so close to your wedding since it really confuses things.
It seems that you still care about your sister and want her to be there. So I would start with her. Try and talk to her and explain that you want her there. Explain that you didn’t betray her.
As for your dad… is he invited to the wedding? If he is stirring things up between the two of you, will you still have him there?
It feels like I am asking more questions than giving answers. I am sorry. I hope everything works out.
Post # 4
My dad I am not concerned about-in the past he has not been there for me and I really think he is a bad person so I stopped talking to him-I just recently let him back in my life and through all of this I realized that was a mistake-I’m walking down the aisle solo and that’s fine with me. I originally was questioning if he should walk me down the aisle before this happened bc I didnt think he deserved the honor. I really think he is an antisocial personality-very manipulative, impulsive, and without a conscience.
I’m having a hard time forgiving my sister for trying to come in between my fiance and I. My FI was by my side the whole time but I was so upset that my big sister would sink as low as to try to break up my future marriage. My family knows that more than anything he is the one for me and I would be miserable without him-they tried to do anything they could to have him break up with me.
Also, my sister had an abortion and is now pregnant again out of selfishness-she rerets the abortion and I think she intentionally got pregnant so she could forgive herself and have this baby. I feel bad for her-but she killed a freakin baby-she smoked weed while she was pregnant the first time and then had an abortion! She calls me selfish and there have been so many times in the past she screwed me over, especially while I was going through school (she stayed in my apt rent free bc she had no where to go and yet she brought weed into my apt when I told her not to, she had sex in my bed, she stole over 30 shirts of mine, she let me borrow her couch and when she got an apt she came and said she wanted it back and that day took it without giving me any warning, she’s taken money out my bank acct saying she was me to the bank) I am just so hurt by her. She is my freakin big sister yet has hurt me so much, I have always wanted to be like her growing up bc she was outgoing, I looked up to her-I’ve always loved her. I feel like she disregards my feelings and can only see the fact that I told she had an abortion. I apologized to her-she wouldnt accept it and then retaliated by trying to get my FI to break up with me. She has told everything to my parents about me back when I had a rebellion phase and still says that I was unloyal to her.
I feel like she can’t be happy for me and is jealous bc I did finish school and am getting married. She told me before my FI and I would break up after 3 years bc that’s what happened to her, she’s told me several times she could have my FI, she’s just always put me down.
Saying all of this I wonder what bad stuff she’d say about me-I really have tried to do anythign and everything to be a good sister-besides keeping that secret. And I still feel almost justified-she was telling everyone she knew that she did it but our parents-it wasn’t a secret. She also talked to my brother’s FI and told her that when she told me about the abortion I told her about my brother’s FI’s abortion so now my brother won’t be at my wedding.
I feel like everyone committed this huge sin and I’m the one that’s taking all the pain for it. I’m not the one who killed a baby-I just don’t understand why I am the one receiving guilt from my family. I don’t see how I can be the “selfish one-the one who wanted to make everyone look bad”. That’s the accusations they said to me.
Post # 5
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to grow up like you did. It’s very commendable that you have gotten your life together like you have and that you have built a great life for yourself. I would cherish that and protect it. Your family seems intent on “bringing you down” because they think you have done too much with yourself, I wouldn’t spend a MINUTE with people who thought that of me, the fact that they’re blood relatives does not change a thing.
I would start going to talk therapy if you aren’t already. Your family has lots of issues you cannot fix for them. That’s right: you cannot fix their life for them. All you can control is your reaction to them.
If I were you I would completely go “cold-turkey” — meaning distancing yourself from the whole family. You will not find support with them and all they will do is drag you into their drama. At this point it seems like you have all developed entrenched family dynamics that you keep going back to: your sister is the “black sheep,” you’re the great daughter that no one appreciates, and everyone feels inadequate by your accomplishments. Maybe I’m being harsh but if it’s going to protect you, your relationship with your future husband, and your future children, I would seriously consider doing it.
:::Hugs to you:::
Post # 6
I’m so sorry. That’s terrible. So where is your mom in all of this?
Do you know your dad has a mental illness for sure? If so, it sounds like that has been passed to your sister. It seems like way too much weird stuff to simply be bad choices.
As for blaming you, well often times the neediest child gets the most attention. And clearly that is your sister. Maybe your parents are concerned that if you get her too upset, she might run off and never see mtehm again. Or maybe she’d do something more destructive to herself. So they’ve kept up their pattern of enabling and don’t want to give her tough love.
I don’t know about the situation with the FSIL. I’m unclear if you did tell of her abortion or not. But if she thought you’d keep that a secret and didn’t, I could see why she’s mad. If you did it, you could try apologizing. If you didn’t say anything, try to expalin your side, and hope she believes you. I would think if your brother and his Fi are stable people, they’ll grow tired of the family drama, and eventually reach out to you, being more responsible and even keeled.
For those you don’t want to speak to, keep your distance. For those who you do want to see, feel your way around. If being involved in their lives means doing so on a limited basis (so you don’t get caught in the cross fire) then try to test where those lines are, and stick to them. Try not to discuss other family. Try not to push yourself in their lives. If you need to keep in touch by just some Christmas cards that say “Thinking of you. Stay in touch”, then maybe go about it that way.
You’re religious, so I’m sure praying about it will help guide you. I think the important thing is to find out how to stay in touch with those you love, without getting involved with all the crap. They obviously can’t be all that you want in a family right now. So you’ll have to meet them where they are.
I hope your FI’s family life is warm and welcoming.
Post # 7
I’m sorry you are having family drama when your wedding is so close but it seems like the best thing is for you to not have your dad & sister at your wedding or in your life for a long time until things calm down.
It sounds like you and your sister are obviously very different people. It seems like you are level headed, have your act together and are growing up. Your sister seems flighty and isn’t growing up and taking life very seriously. However, it sounds like you are being very judgemental saying she killed a baby, did you say that to her? I’m not going to start a debate on pro-life vs. pro-choice but if you were my sister and said that to me, I would be angry with you too. You have your beliefs and she obviously has hers so it’s really not up to you what she does and you shouldn’t judge her for that decision, but be there for her because even if she said she was ok with it chances are she’s probably not.
It sounds like she needs all the attention on her and when you are around it’s on you so maybe that is why she’s acting like a witch to you, because you seem to have it all and she (even though it’s her own fault) has a messy life that is full of drama. Her wanting to break you up shows how jealous she is of you.
I think you both need time to cool off, you need to get married w/out them there then maybe in the future she’ll see how happy you are and how wrong she was and how childish she acted. Good luck.
Post # 8
Thank you for all the advice, just hearing others thoughts helps alot.
As for saying “killing the baby”, I never would say that to her or anyone who had an abortion and I probably should not have written that on here-I was caught up in venting and I’m sorry if anyone read that and was offended.
I tried to be supportive for her when she told me about her decision, but deep inside I was broken hearted because I love kids and could not believe I would have finally been an aunt! I did tell her about my brother’s situation-he confided in me two years before this mess-and I thought it would help lessen her guilt; instead I betrayed my brother and everything blew up. I feel like I did wrong, but I feel like I am rceiving all of the pain for their decisions. Growing up I valued having my brother and sister because they were older than me and I felt like they took care of me, especially my big brother. My sister went to live with my mom for 3 years and bc of how bad the divorce was we werent allowed to talk to each other. To confuse you more, my dad remarried and had two more children and I lived with him so I could be close with them. My mom today is supportive now, she was not able to speak with me growing up bc my dad always had her in and out of court and she said she had to stop talking to us bc he made it so hard for and she knew one day we would be adults and she just hoped at that point we would forgive her and she’d be able to talk to us. But I am so hurt because the my brothers and sister always felt like my true family-I always felt like my dad was just that, a word and to have a relationship with him allowed me to have a relationship with the two youngest brothers. Now I lost my family besides my mom in all of this. My sister these past years while I’ve been in college has always given me trouble and I have felt betrayed by her alot while in school. But I always thought our blood was thicker than that, apparently not considering she tried to ruin my future with my FI. I can’t fathom why she would ever want to put me through that pain.
It sucks that I will be getting married and that none of my siblings will be there. I am so hurt by my sister that a part of me does not want her there-but that part that remembers how I used to look up to her and admire her when I was little still wants her there. My FI will not allow her to be there, he thinks what she did to me i horrendous, he also thinks that I did wrong but that it should not have ended up this way.