(Closed) sister drama

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Well it seems that you have a lot going on.  I am sorry that it’s all happening so close to your wedding since it really confuses things.

It seems that you still care about your sister and want her to be there.  So I would start with her.  Try and talk to her and explain that you want her there.  Explain that you didn’t betray her.  

As for your dad… is he invited to the wedding? If he is stirring things up between the two of you, will you still have him there?

It feels like I am asking more questions than giving answers.  I am sorry.  I hope everything works out.

Post # 5
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I can’t even imagine what it’s like to grow up like you did. It’s very commendable that you have gotten your life together like you have and that you have built a great life for yourself.  I would cherish that and protect it. Your family seems intent on “bringing you down” because they think you have done too much with yourself, I wouldn’t spend a MINUTE with people who thought that of me, the fact that they’re blood relatives does not change a thing.

I would start going to talk therapy if you aren’t already. Your family has lots of issues you cannot fix for them. That’s right: you cannot fix their life for them.  All you can control is your reaction to them.

If I were you I would completely go “cold-turkey” — meaning distancing yourself from the whole family.  You will not find support with them and all they will do is drag you into their drama.  At this point it seems like you have all developed entrenched family dynamics that you keep going back to: your sister is the “black sheep,” you’re the great daughter that no one appreciates, and everyone feels inadequate by your accomplishments. Maybe I’m being harsh but if it’s going to protect you, your relationship with your future husband, and your future children, I would seriously consider doing it.

:::Hugs to you:::

Post # 6
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I’m so sorry.  That’s terrible.  So where is your mom in all of this?

Do you know your dad has a mental illness for sure?  If so, it sounds like that has been passed to your sister.  It seems like way too much weird stuff to simply be bad choices. 

As for blaming you, well often times the neediest child gets the most attention.  And clearly that is your sister.  Maybe your parents are concerned that  if you get her too upset, she might run off and never see mtehm again.  Or maybe she’d do something more destructive to herself.  So they’ve kept up their pattern of enabling and don’t want to give her tough love.

I don’t know about the situation with the FSIL.  I’m unclear if you did tell of her abortion or not.  But if she thought you’d keep that a secret and didn’t, I could see why she’s mad.  If you did it, you could try apologizing. If you didn’t say anything, try to expalin your side, and hope she believes you.  I would think if your brother and his Fi are stable people, they’ll grow tired of the family drama, and eventually reach out to you, being more responsible and even keeled.

For those you don’t want to speak to, keep your distance.  For those who you do want to see, feel your way around.  If being involved in their lives means doing so on a limited basis (so you don’t get caught in the cross fire) then try to test where those lines are, and stick to them.  Try not to discuss other family.  Try not to push yourself in their lives.  If you need to keep in touch by just some Christmas cards that say “Thinking of you.  Stay in touch”, then maybe go about it that way.

You’re religious, so I’m sure praying about it will help guide you.  I think the important thing is to find out how to stay in touch with those you love, without getting involved with all the crap.  They obviously can’t be all that you want in a family right now.  So you’ll have to meet them where they are. 

I hope your FI’s family life is warm and welcoming.

Good luck.

Post # 7
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry you are having family drama when your wedding is so close but it seems like the best thing is for you to not have your dad & sister at your wedding or in your life for a long time until things calm down.

It sounds like you and your sister are obviously very different people. It seems like you are level headed, have your act together and are growing up. Your sister seems flighty and isn’t growing up and taking life very seriously. However, it sounds like you are being very judgemental saying she killed a baby, did you say that to her? I’m not going to start a debate on pro-life vs. pro-choice but if you were my sister and said that to me, I would be angry with you too. You have your beliefs and she obviously has hers so it’s really not up to you what she does and you shouldn’t judge her for that decision, but be there for her because even if she said she was ok with it chances are she’s probably not.

It sounds like she needs all the attention on her and when you are around it’s on you so maybe that is why she’s acting like a witch to you, because you seem to have it all and she (even though it’s her own fault) has a messy life that is full of drama. Her wanting to break you up shows how jealous she is of you.

I think you both need time to cool off, you need to get married w/out them there then maybe in the future she’ll see how happy you are and how wrong she was and how childish she acted. Good luck.

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