Weddingbee boards

Ok so I posted about another incident a while ago about my sister, but this a new issue. So, I went off on my younger sister the other day. Yelling at her calling her a F******  B**** the fight lasted 15 mins. or so with her yelling at me and name calling as well.  I was also wearing my wedding dress and veil at the time so you can get the “lovely Image”.

She is my younger sister she is 31 never married and is still partially supported by my parents. They pay here medical bills, insurance (car&medical), fuel bill, bought her a new car and vacations. She pays her rent, groceries, etc. She does have some auto immune and thyroid issues as do I. She works part time as a nanny. My mom bought her maid of honor dress as she could not afford it but could spend $60 on your boyfriend of 2 months. Sorry about the side comment.

My sister I and were very close until about 10-11 years ago when I graduated from college and went into the real world. She has stated that she feels I’m spoiled. I told her that our parents do treat us differently but only because we are different people with different lives.

Anyway since I started planning my wedding 6 months ago she has been full of unsolicited ideas and opinions.  Saying things like I think you should do this or I would do this.  Or even I was on such and such website and they did this. I have tried to be nice and not hurt her feelings as most of you ideas are not things I like or fit the theme.   Her ideas tend to be more vintage and formal and the theme is more informal and country. Such as she wants to buy a chandeliers hang up and hang them from trees.  She hates that I want to have clothes pins as décor.  She does not understand why I’m renting extra chairs for the ceremony and reception. She thinks I should just have people sit on blankets or move their own chairs.  She got upset when I said I did not have a layout yet of the site and I was not too worried about it, as I need to work on the guest list. She also was going on and on about lighting, parking and all that stuff. I told her I would get to that but I still have to work (at work & my side businesses) and have a life. I told her that she has been over welling me with questions, ideas and etcs. but then she gets upset.

She also trends to be very argumentative when you disagree with her. Her lasted comment is that we should be prepared for no one to dance at the wedding. She said that not doing a photo invitation and that my favors are stupid and that I’m wasting money.  The card holder was another issue she wanted us to use an antique birdcage that my Mother has. I declined and said I had bought a barn mail box which fits the weddings country theme.

It was funny last time we went shopping for mine and her accessories she was all for finding her stuff but, after when we got her stuff and it was my turn she was suddenly in pain and we had to leave. Then on the way out of the mall she suddenly saw something for her and was fine till I wanted to go to another store.

So, what was the straw that broke the camel’s back was her picking at my dress. Pointing out and saying wow that is really dingy there, and there and there. She also was going on and on about how the top of the dress does not looking right.  She kept say that the dress needs boning and it has lots of boning.  She was saying and pointing about so many faults that I barely could answers her let alone enjoys wearing my dress.  I guess it was the fact that I have been walking on eggshell around her trying to not have a blow-up fight.  Another comment was how she would have picked such and such dress and not the one I picked.

To be honest the dress is a sample and I’m sure it needs to be touch-up but in the 5 or 6 times I have tried it on all I have heard is how beautiful I look. My mom did say once that we need to get the right under garments and take it to a tailor but after I had started talking about things I would like have done to it.  Which I agree with.

So, I tried to talk about the fight and apologize for yelling at her at being short in the past. I told her I have been over whelmed and way stressed out. She said that is no excuses and I should not be projecting my issues on her.  She said she is done helping me and will do my shower and be in the wedding party but that is it. She also said that I have been wishy washy and that I keep changing my mind about things. She also said she hates when I tell her I have to think about things or one of her ideas. She told me she just wants me to state yes or no at the moment and then move on. Oh that she hates when I say no to an idea originally then decide that I like it. I said that planning a wedding is stressful and things can change for any number of reasons. I have a limited budget and the only help is family, friends other they paid venders. I also said that this is my wedding and I can do things how I want. She said she is just trying to help me and save everyone money.  I thanked her and said it is my money to spend how I like.  She has also had issues with how I spend my money.  Which is funny cause she has tons of clothes, shoes, etc.

My sister said that she feels I’m not using her ideas just to spite her. She also feels that I’m making my parents spend money on the wedding. I told her that our parents offered to pay for certain things and we our covering the rest.  So, we left it at that we are talking but not on great terms. What advice can you offer? I have tried letting it roll off my back but I don’t do that well.  I know I can't be mean or yell at her or let her bully me. My mom and Aunt have tried talking to her but she thinks she is helping me.

Sorry about the large font.

Thanks everyone for the advice, I feel so much better now.

I know this is a bit late of a reply, and it looks like you have about a month to your wedding, but this looks (as LadyEvar said) like a classic case of "sisterly miscommunication." Your sister might be jealous, for sure (the "spoiled" comment is quite a tell), but she also seems to be caring. She's suggesting things, taking her own time to research, etc. YOU view it as her trying to micromanage, but from my perspective, it looks like her trying to help... you guys just have very different visions.

Even though, again, this might be a bit late in the game... I think you need to have a heart to heart with your sister. You sound equally aggressive/inflammatory in the relationship (which happens; your sisters... I'm in a similar boat my self. For some reasons, no one ever quite gets under your skin like sisters). I think you need to take a step back, and ANYTIME you find yourself gearing up to argue, or just feeling angry, ask yourself exactly why. Do you feel angry because you think she's forcing her vision? Listen to what she's saying/doing; you might realize, "Oh, she's just trying to help." Angry because you think she's insulting your dress? Take a step back and think, "This might be her way of trying to make sure YOU don't get scammed, and that YOU look good in the dress," but you might be too busy being offended to notice... and she might be too embarassed to to be "nice," and it comes across in a more "sister" way.