(Closed) Sister dynamics… invite her posse?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
1061 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. She’ll be pissy and not 100% present if you don’t invite them, and she’s probably still not going to be completely present if you do (because I feel like she’ll be paying more attention to them, rather than you, the way you’re describing her).

Are you allowing other guests +1s? If so, I really don’t see any reason why you should withhold her boyfriend’s invitation, even though you and your family don’t particularly care for him.

To keep the peace, I’d compromise and say that she can bring her boyfriend as her date, but not the other 2 girls. Don’t give her the option to start paying for people’s plates — that can get out of hand very quickly.

Post # 5
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

If you haven’t sent out the invites it sounds like you have a little time for this to blow over, which is good. I think you should invite your sister +1 like everyone else on your guest list. Let your mom and sis battle it out the rest of the way themselves. It’s not your responsibility to deal with the issues between the two of them, and it’s only going to stress you out more than you already are with the wedding.

Sounds like your sister is still pretty young (at least mentally) and unfortunately you won’t be able to rely on her too much. Hopefully you have other bm’s and your mom to pick up the slack though!

Good luck!!!

Post # 6
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

Speaking from recent personal experience, I think I would lay some of this on the table with your parents and your sister.  There should be a reasonable solution that involves some compromise on your sister’s part, but where she is going to be comfortable enough to still be present (as you say).  You shouldn’t have to be the bad guy in this.  

I would say pick your battles.  Weddings have a way of invoking or re-invoking past family drama.  It is good to get that tough stuff out of the way well before the wedding.  Putting on a concerned, but somewhat detached demeanor can go a long way in facilitating some compromise.  Not talking about it just breeds ugly resentment.

I hope this helps.  Please let us know how it unfolds!

Post # 7
Member
28 posts
Newbee

 Wow! Sparkles, you’ve just got trouble all around!!

 I’d say tell your sister she can only bing +1, just like the rest of the wedding party, no exceptions. Allow her to pick whoever she wants for that +1. If it’s her flavor-of-the-week, then when that’s over, you can say "told you so", or if you don’t feel confortable saying THAT, then at some point when she’s looking at pictures of your wedding and saying "That loser!!! Why’d I even bring him!!" you can say "Gee, I don’t know. Too bad he’s in every single cute picture of you. It ruins them all, doesn’t it?"

 So deliciously passive-agressive!!!

 

 Also, if you’re only doing +1’s for your wedding party, a +1 is all your sister needs too. It’s unfair to allow her to bring a posse if no one else gets to.

Post # 8
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

All of the above posters gave great advice.  I’d like to add that this a very common situation that happens within families during wedding planning, so you are NOT alone!  My mom cried and threw a temper tantrum because I didn’t want to invite 3 of my cousins to the wedding (long story) — the point is that you invite who you want to invite, but you need to understand that there will be hurt feelings.  From personal experience, once it is all said and done it will all work out. The gamat of emotions in the meantime will be considerable.

Post # 9
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I think you need to have an adult talk with your sister. It doesn’t sound like you involved her much in your wedding process – and she may not really grasp the cost of a wedding, let alone how special and intimate the event is. She needs to understand it is not *her party* and she cannot cry if she wants, too.

I don’t think you need to invite her posse or her bf, but like the other comments – give her a +1 and allow her to decide. Also tell her how much she means to you as a sister and as family, and it really means a lot to have her by your side on your wedding day. 

Also let her know that while it is also a financial thing, it’s your wedding and when she gets married, she can invite whomever she wants, but for your wedding, you just want your close friends and family with you, and that includes her. 

Post # 10
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

I would let your sister invite her bf, it’s not your parents’ place to decide who she can and can’t have in her life.  All the drama about where he will stay (if the parents are paying for the hotel room) isn’t you issue.  Let your sis and parents fight that out amongst themselves.  I agree that you aren’t obligated to invite her posse.  It’s the day you surround yourself with people that matter to you, not her.  Just make sure that photos are taken of her and your family sans bf so that if they don’t end up together forever you’ll still have a wedding album with everyone that matters.  And if they do, she’ll have some cute pics of them "back then."  Try not to get between her and your parents, I don’t think that’s your battle.  Good luck!

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