Post # 1
I’m writing under a secret name for this one.
My sister got engaged a couple of months ago. She’s so excited and already in the midst of planning. I just got married a few months back and was really excited about her engagement too. I was looking forward to helping them out and sharing my newly-gained wedding planning knowledge. I am really happy with how my wedding turned out and I wasn’t worried about us comparing weddings too much because we have different tastes.
But here’s the thing: I can’t help being a little jealous of her. My parents could not afford to contribute to either of our weddings at all. So DH and I paid for it on our own and had to stick to a budget. My sis on the other hand, gets to have a huge fancy party because her FI’s parents offered to cover the entire cost of their wedding.
My sister is younger and they definitely do not have the savings to pay for it themselves. So I’m really happy she has such an awesome and generous future family. But the parents are going beyond just helping them out – the mom is very involved and is doing this wedding for herself as much as for the young couple. At the beginning, they set a nominal budget, but that has been thrown out the door as sister informs me about one after another luxury purchase or vendor booked.
I know it’s not my business how anyone spends their money. I am not about to complain to sis or anyone else about this. But I am having trouble staying 100% positive when I am hearing about all of their expensive purchases. And I feel that as a bridesmaid, I need to have that enthusiasm and support…my sister definitely did it for me, and I feel so guilty about being jealous of her.
Beyond the wedding itself, the FI’s parents are committed to helping them financially in the long-term – taking them on vacations, helping with school and house payments, etc. I feel like I get the short end of the stick just because I happened to marry a guy who’s not rich…and why does she deserve all of this while I don’t? I know I shouldn’t feel this way, and I don’t want it to ruin our relationship, but it comes up so often (especially now that she’s always talking about the wedding).
Any advice for how to deal with this?
Post # 3
Here’s how you deal with it. There are lots of people who will always have more than you. You can either be jealous of them and wallow in self pity for what you don’t have *OR* you can look at what you have and appreciate it because there are people out there who have less.
Post # 4
@Bee2Bee2Bee: At least you didn’t have to depend on anyone to throw a wedding for you. You can feel better thinking that you had the wedding you wanted and you made it yours.
Post # 5
it’s perfectly okay to be a little bit jealous, as long as you’re aware of how you’re feeling, which you obviously are. these feelings will pass with time. be happy for her, and be happy that you have your husband, not hers, which is so much better than money!
Post # 6
I agree with BanditGirl. I am kind of like your sister. My husbands family paid for a big beautiful wedding, and I am very thankful for that…there is no way my family could have afforded the wedding we had. However, I also would have been happy with a quicky courthouse wedding because the most important thing to me was marrying my man and spending the rest of our lives together. Also, you mention that the fmil is helping to plan the wedding and it is as much for her as it is for the couple. This can have some pitfalls for your sister, just as future vacations and other offers of monetary items. I’m not saying your sister’s fils are bad people, or have bad intentions…it is just my experience that when money is handed out in these ways there are sometimes some strings attached (often emotional ones). Just remember, money and things don’t equal happiness!
Post # 7
Like MzMarzipan said, it’s about the marriage, not the wedding.
I had a JoP wedding, thrown together in less than 10 minutes. We went to City Hall to get the license, DH called the JoP and arranged a time and place for later that day, we called our immediate families and all met at the Falls. I threw on my favorite outfit as did DH, we got the kids dressed in their favorite outfits and we ran into the supermarket for a tussy mussy (tiny bouquet) before meeting the JoP. It was exactly what I wanted. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a single thing. I wouldn’t get a fancy white dress, wouldn’t have a big party after. I would do it exactly as I did the first time. Why? Because it wasn’t about the pomp and circumstance and extraneous stuff. It was about committing ourselves to each other.
We could’ve afforded and thrown a big traditional wedding but felt that, after 3 kids, it would’ve been terribly inappropriate.
Post # 8
I agree with bandit girl, the truth may be harsh, but you just gotta learn to be content with what you have. I don’t think there’s any other way to deal with it.
Post # 9
You can’t help your feelings but be reassured by knowing they may pass in time.
Just think, 5 years from now you and your sister will both be in entirely different moods and places. Think about what you want to stand for in this moment and try to stay true to that.
Good luck hun!
Post # 10
I’m going to be super honest here: You need to get over it. This is going to be a recurring theme in your life. Her wedding will be more expensive. Her honeymoon will be more expensive. They’ll get better Christmas gifts. They’ll get better vacations. Their kids will have more. Their cars will be nicer. etc etc etc.
My aunt has always treated my mom badly because she is jealous that my mom married into a nice family and always had more money that my aunt did. But what was my mom supposed to do? Not marry the guy she loves because she’d have more money than her sister? Pretend to be unhappy when she is around her? Their relationship is exhausting to watch.
It sounds like your sister was great to you during your wedding planning, she deserves the same.
Post # 11
I agree with CorgiTales. Don’t get me wrong, it will be hard but she was a great sister and friend to you for your wedding.
You need to get over it all, it will not be easy i’m sure, but if they are getting nicer vacations & financial help, etc, then this isn’t going to go away. Do you want the best for her as long as it’s not better then what your delt? Or do you truely love and care about your sister and want the best for her always?
Post # 12
I totally get where you are coming from, but you are going to be miserable if you keep feeling this way so this is a good opportunity to try to figure out how to deal with it. And I’m not saying I know how, but one way would be to stop looking at your sister and thinking “I deserve that too”. It isn’t about who deserves what. You married into different families and that’s just the way it is. As they get older they will hopefully start supporting themselves.
Post # 13
I agree with the other ladies, it’s about the marriage and not the wedding. Another thing to think of is that – to me at least – some of the nicest weddings I’ve seen have been done on tiny budgets! An unlimited budget doesn’t mean that things are going to be automatically better. You said that you were happy with how your wedding came out. Let it end there and just be happy for your sister with whatever she can come up with!!
Post # 14
Your sister found a man who comes from a family who is well off. You could’ve held out for a man with money instead of the man you married. Don’t blame her for what you didn’t do. If it’s money over substance, you do have options. There are wealthy men out there … but do you want money or what you already have?
If you want what you already have, then be happy and rejoice in it. If you want money, then maybe it’s time to look elsewhere.
Post # 15
You will probably feel much better once your sister starts venting to you about how she wants peonies for the center pieces but FMIL wants roses and won’t budge, or wants to wear a white MOG dress, or something along those lines.
If what you wrote here is true: “But the parents are going beyond just helping them out – the mom is very involved and is doing this wedding for herself as much as for the young couple.”
then it won’t be long until sister’s and FMIL’s expectations for the big day clash. Mark my words.
Did you consider that maybe your sister doesn’t even want those luxury purchases and vendors?
Post # 16
My only advice would be to take some time and realize how much you and your DH would able to accomplish on your own. While it would have been nice to have help from others, your wedding happened because of all your hard work. And as your life progresses every car, house, vacation will be because you earned it. And nooe can ever take that away from you.