Post # 1
Here’s the deal:
My sister-in-law wants to meet with us tonight to talk about how we don’t spend enough time with her. We usually hang out with her every Monday to watch “Chuck” but over the past few months we have cancelled two or three times. I think once a week is plenty and if we need to cancel…well…we cancel and that’s that.
She says that I don’t understand how important it is to spend time with her and how it makes her feel that we dont make her a priority. She is 28, single, never has had a boyfriend and has only lived with family (she lived with my husband for 3 years until we got married, then she moved out into a rented room with a family from her church). My hubby and I are newly weds (September 2010)
In a way I feel selfish for not wanting to spend a ton of time with her. I feel as if she needs to branch out and make a life for herself. I don’t think we should feel obligated to spend time with her.
I barely get to spend alone time as it is with my husband because we work opposite schedules and when we do have time off we spend it with other people. We never get a full day of just being togethre (our only day off together is Sunday…and we usually have people over for breakfast, or we brew beer and we go to church)
All of this to say: Help! I want to know if my feelings are valid…or if I am completely wrong and should accomodate her.
Post # 3
I don’t think you’re being selfish at all… while your husband’s family will always be a part of your life, he has moved on to start his own family. It’s part of growing up. It’s unfortunate that your SIL doesn’t see it that way, maybe try to talk to her woman-to-woman?
Post # 4
Ummm ya, that is weird. She sounds lonely 🙁
Its really nice that you guys have a weekly date with her, but she needs to understand that things come up and sometimes you will have to cancel. Explain to her exactly what you told us-about your opposite work schedules, etc.
Honestly, I am lucky if I even get together with my siblings once a month. My brother lives 15 min. away and its just hard finding time that we’re both available. It doesnt mean we dont love eachother or that I dont care about him, we are just busy. It happens!
Post # 5
Uhhh wow. Okay. So first of all, welcome to Weddingbee. Sorry it’s your SIL stress that has created your first post! Secondly, I find that sort of odd. You can’t demand people spend time with you. While on the one hand it’s sort of flattering that she loves being with you and your hubby so much, it’s also a bit weird to get your knickers in a knot when life happens and you guys need to cancel. I love my BIL a ton and I love spending time with him, but it’s not a weekly event or a #1 priority in my life. It literally sounds like she needs a hobby. Can you sign her up for a class or get her a membership somewhere for her birthday or as a nice “just because” gift?
I would very gently explain to her that you love her and didn’t meant to hurt her feelings, but sometimes things come up that you can’t avoid and you’re sorry she’s been upset by that. Your Darling Husband may need to have a chat with her about you guys needing some time together if she starts getting more demanding of your time.
Post # 6
I think you definitely need to tread lightly with her on this. I wouldn’t go into as much as you did above about how you don’t get to spend as much time with your husband as you’d like. Just let her know that you will do your best to hang out with her every Monday night, but there are going to be times that you just can’t. You aren’t going to reschedule with her for that week b/c you both do have a lot going on.
Also let her know how much you enjoy her company when she does come over and that you value your time together. The more you approach it as you don’t want to spend time with her, the more she’s going to try to cling to you and try to get you to hang out with her more.
Post # 7
Thanks for the input! It is much appreciated and I think my nerves have calmed down a bit for our talk tonight.
I have another screen name in which I usually post with but my SIL reads my posts.
I dont want to hurt her feelings. But I also want her to know that we have bounderies and we have talked about it a little. When Joseph and I first got married she would come over to the house when no one was there to pick something up (she has a key). We talked to her about it and she no longer comes over without texting or calling first.
I hate that she is lonely but she cannot depend on us for happiness or to occupy her time.
Post # 8
This is definitely a troll. Yep!
Post # 9
@Edwardj7: This is a difficult situation, but I think you have several options on how to improve your relationship with your SIL. How does your husband feel about his sister and the fact that she’s a bit lonely? I would try to invite her over to your house so that maybe she can have dinner and watch Chuck with you and your husband, and that way it’s more convenient for you. Maybe encourage SIL to socialize and go out to meet new people? Perhaps taking her out once a month or so (schedule permitting) with you and your man will make meeting new people less daunting. Hope this helps!
Post # 10
She needs to get a life, volunteer or something. Once a week is more than sufficent. I don’t even see my bst friend that often and I adore her. does she think this is gonna continue after the wedding and if you guys have kids? please. set her straight from now.
Post # 11
@Edwardj7:She needs to realize that, while it’s nice to have some quality time with him, he’s a married man with a different set of priorities. The girl is 28 years old, she’s not a teenager doting on her big brother. She needs to get a grip.
Post # 12
I just saw your reply about the key! That’s just too much. Do you have a dog that she would walk while you were at work or something? Where are the parents in this?