Sister in Abusive Relationship, What to Do? (Long)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I don’t know what to say/do, except that I don’t think she’s in a “quasi-abusive relationship”. I think it’s full-on abuse. Maybe not physical, but what he is doing is really scary.

What he is doing is not right at all- isolating her, controlling her, making her feel horrible.

I am not an expert, but I would let your sister know that you are there for her if she ever needs to leave her boyfriend. Or, if you can’t offer her a place to stay, maybe help her find a safe place for ‘next time’? (Because there will probably be a next time)

Post # 4
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I hate situations like this. On the one had there’s the textbook “what should be done” and then “what can be done”. I see this stuff every day at work (paralegal who does mostly family law stuff, including custody) and it makes me sick that a person could do this to another.

“What should be done” is her to dump his ass and get the hell away from him and take the child with her. A man (and I use the term loosely) like that will only continue to abuse her and now that there is a baby it’s just another control point. It will not be a good situation for her or their daughter. Ever.

Now, sadly, that is often different to “what can be done”. Often times its not feasable for the vitim to get away from their abuser easily. Can your sister move in with a friend or your parents, or even you? Can she prove to the police he is being abusive and get a restraining order?

Even if she can get away from him, they still have a child together and that will always be a means for him to get to her. Reguardless of what ends up happening, I cannot stress enough the need for you and your family to rally around her and support her against his abuse.

Post # 6
Member
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@HonoraryNerd:  Unfortunately, as heart-wrenching as it is, your sister is an adult. It sounds like your family is very supportive and would take care of her if she left, so she has several ways out of this situation…and she is choosing to stay and try to make it work.

I have a friend who has been with a shitbag, douche cheater for years. She knows it, we all know it, but she has continued to stay with him and make excuses for his behavior. Guess what? Now she just found out she’s pregnant. She has a wonderful family that would help her out if she left his ass cold turkey, but she won’t. I think she thinks she can “fix” him, and I’d bet your sister is the same way.

I wouldnt try to stage any kind of intervention with your family for fear she’ll resent you and cut you off. That being said, you don’t have to pretend to approve of the relationship. With my friend, she used to ask for advice on her situation and got mad when I kept it real with her. We’re still friends, but I’ve quit trying to talk sense into her. At the end of the day, she is CHOOSING to keep herself in this situation.

Post # 8
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Oh sweetie… this is horrible. Why dont you tell her she can stay for a week at home with you (or your parents) so she can see how everything would be without him.

He’s not her owner, she’s a person.

I hate these kinds of situations, it’s just awful.

I hope she comes to her senses soon, she needs to think about her baby, what if violence excalates? :S

Post # 9
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Ahhh how horrible and sad 🙁 But domestic violence victims are the hardest people to work with (from a social work point of view) – as obvious as it is from the outside, you can’t MAKE her want to leave.  You can educate her about the cycle of abuse, remind her that this behavior isn’t normal or right, that she isn’t happy, and that she can leave him and have a safe home to go to with your parents (it sounds like).  Plus, If you can, gently remind her that yes, she’s staying with him for her baby, but its far better for the baby to have parents that are separated than to witness (and perhaps become another victim of) an abusive relationship.  Other than that, just be as supportive (of HER, not the relationship) as you can, so that she doesn’t cut you off as well.  *hugs* I’m so sorry, for both you and her!!

Post # 10
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I was in a very similar relationship. We ended up engaged but thankfully I called it off a few weeks prior to the wedding.

These guys are all the same. They beat you down until you feel worthless and like no one else would ever have you; meanwhile it is them that have insecurity issues to begin with. My ex would tell me that I’m fat (I’m 5’10’’ and 118 pounds) ugly and should consider getting plastic sugary (I was contacted last week to pick up a few modeling contracts over the summer) and that I was weak (psychologically) (meanwhile I held a corporate management position in a large company). Clearly these things were not true and I know that now but when someone who loves you tells you all this you believe them; especially since they have isolated you from all of your friends and have no one to tell you otherwise.

You sister knows just as well as you do that she is unhappy and needs to end the relationship so believe me there’s no point in telling her; it will just make her feel worse about herself. Unfortunately it is sometimes easier to coast by in these relationships then to end them; it will be very difficult for your sister to get out especially now that they have a baby together. All you can do right now is offer your support; your sister will know you will be there when she is ready to make a change. When the time is right (and you will know when) you can voice your opinion, but it has to be when she has already made the decision to leave. She may not have voiced this decision to you yet but you’ll know; it will almost seem like shes looking for comformation.

It is sad to say but your sister is pretty much brainwashed. It took me a long time to build up my self confidence and to be honest I think I will be affected forever by this past relationship. These situations do make us stronger and I know that I will never make the same mistake again.

Let me know if I can offer any help 🙂  I was in your sisters shoes for several years

Post # 12
Member
1584 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@HonoraryNerd:  Unfortunately, my sister is in a similar situation, and has chosen to cut my DAd and I out of her lives. We have not seen or spoken to her in 5 years. I still get to see my niece because she visits my mom, but my sister has chosen her bf and his family over her own, even though they are quite obviously all dysfunctional and he is emotionally/mentally abusive to her. So I just warn you to tread lightly, as you do run the risk of her cutting you out, as mine did me.

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