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Women have been changing their names after marriage since surnames were invented. It has nothing to do with selling yourself out. If she is going to be that set in her ways, ignore her and do not acknowledge her attempts to harrass you, which includes sending back any mail that is sent to your maiden name. There's nothing you can do to change her mind and you should not have to change to suit other people's crazy demands or beliefs. Also, since you have been married for 2 yrs already, she seriously needs to get over herself and worry about herself instead of being judgemental toward others. Is it safe to assume that she does not address *any* female including her own relatives (mother, grandmother, etc) by their married names as well?
It sounds like an immature attempt to get attention. You didn't sell yourself out, you got married. Her behavior is just plain rude and she doesn't seem to have a decent response to it.
Unfortunately you can't control anyone else's behavior but your own. Can you say something really practical like "oh, I wanted to make sure you got my current address because the forwarding will be stopped this month." And then give her a paper with your correct name and address? She may choose to ignore it, but at least then you tried.
Ugh. Like many things, deciding to change one's name is an individual choice that women have. It is driving me crazy how we women judge each other for the choices we make - continuing to work after having children OR deciding to not continue a career to stay home with children...taking your husband's last name OR deciding not to...these are all choices that we are lucky to have. Her judging you (which is what she is doing) for your choice is inappropriate at best, and barbaric at worst.
Sorry. Stuff like this makes me insane.
How annoying, why is it any of her business and why would she keep up the charade for two years. Can you close your maiden name email address? That's probably what I would do, and then make sure the emails are bouncing back to her. If she asks about it just say "oh it's been two years since I changed my name so I didn't see the need to keep that account open anymore". I thought about returning snail mail to her with "not at this address" on it but that might be a bit too passive aggressive :) Every time she says your maiden name I'd just remind her that you've changed it. Surely she and everyone else will get sick of hearing you mention it, and she'll get the clue eventually!
i think it is rude of your sister. while i totally respect her personal beliefs and respect her decision to not change her names, i think it goes beyond her realm of right to preach to you on what she does and does not condone in the sanctity of women's rights.
does she not realize that her actions make her look like a hypocrite? what happened to every woman's individual freedom to choose?
i would definitely talk to her about it and clear up any confusion she may have in thinking that she will convince you to take on her beliefs.
I think your sister is being rude and disrespectful. But I also don't think I would find it worth confronting her. You're still getting her emails and her mail, right? If she calls you by the wrong name to your face, you can correct her. Otherwise, I guess you could always return any mail she sends you as "Unknown Recipient." ;)
Wow. Just because your sister thinks one way doesn't mean she needs to push her beliefs on everyone else. You need to tell that you see where she is coming from but you don't think that way. I would actually feel disrespected if my sister didn't call me by my married name.
I would tell her that when she gets married, you're going to call her by her maiden name but you would like that she respects your wishes by calling you by your married name.
Hopefully by now you have chatted. I think it is important to express how you feel to your sister and tell her how it bothers you, and ask her why she calls you that- does she miss you and her as sistas before you become a wife? Maybe she is dealing with some stuff herself. I think it is important to share feelings, and ask her out of respect as your sister and for your feelings to call you by your new name. I think it will take time and she will understand- but it seems like she has some deeper issues she's dealing with, so don't take it too personal!
Good luck!
Um...does she call your mom by HER maiden name? Or anyone else? It sounds like she has decided to make you her personal sounding board for this issue. I would return all mail and e-mail sent to your maiden name, and don't acknowlege in person if she uses your maiden name. Two can play this game. She has her beliefs, but it's rude to push them off on you. If she's married, I'd start calling her by her husband's last name to see if she gets the point!
Thanks so much for the feedback. There aren't that many opportunities for her to call me by my (maiden) last name so I sort of calm down/rationalize it between incidences and then get all fired up again each time she does it.
This past time she sent something to "Husband Last Name and Me Maiden Name" which for some reason bugged me more than when she just sends stuff or introduces me as "Me Maiden Name." I think because she was obviously recognizing my husband/the marriage but ignoring the name change!
She doesn't even believe in marriage so I guess I might be focusing on this a bit more since I am always feeling like she is taking little digs at my marriage. Boo!
I think maybe you can just have a frank talk about it with her. The next time she does it or the next time she takes a dig at your marriage, just let her know that you would appreciate her respecting your marriage and your choice to change your name. It doesn't have to be a heated argument, just more of an FYI for her to start using your married name since that's your legal name.
I'd tell her you feel she is being passive-agressive by not recognizing your married name. Expalain you understand and respect her beliefs on marriage/changing names, etc, and you expect her to understand and respect your beliefs and decision to change your name. Explain that each time she does it you are hurt and offended.
Good luck!
You should put a forwarding message on your old email. That way every time she emails you at the wrong email address it says something along the lines of
Mrs Married in May can be reached at her new email address: Mrs@ blahdotcom. Please be advised that any messages sent to oldemail@ may not be received
Or something like that. Chances are after 2 years the only people still emailing you there are your sister, and old mailing lists that you probably don't need forwarded anymore anyway.
What a little snot! Again, she has every right to not believe in marriage, but not acknowledging yours is just classless. On second thought, I think you should call her and talk to her specifically about this issue. Let her know that she is entitled to her preferences and beliefs, but that YOURS do not coincide with HERS. Sending anything to your maiden name is hurtful and rude, and you aren't going to tolerate it anymore. Tell her your name is [FIRST MIDDLE HISLAST!!!] and if she isn't going to recognize that, then she can just keep to herself from now on.
I'm not changing my name, and I will certainly let people know that my name is not Mrs. FI'sLast. But I don't know how long I would wage that battle. At work, no one will have any reason to go with my FI's name, but socially I expect I'll have some who don't conform. As long as they don't call me Mrs. Joe LastName, I'll probably just roll my eyes.
What?! Not acknowledging your name? It's one thing if it's a slip up (my dad sends me mail regularly and sometimes addresses it to my maiden name but only once in awhile) but another if it's on purpose. I think you need to tell her to stop and let her know she's being ridiculous and immature because your name has been legally changed for 2 YEARS and it's time to get over it. If you wnt to give her a LITTLE bit of the benefit of the doubt, just say kinda half jokingly, "um, dude, i got married 2 years ago. you know my name is X right?"
Ok, so your sister won't acknowledge your married name because she believes you sold out? I'm wondering if she thinks in someway you are degrading yourself because as a woman, you took on a man's name? If that's the case, I would say to her that she may believe you sold out to change your name, but her decision to not respect the choice, that you, an independent woman, is the worst way to insult a woman. It's kind of like giving her a dose of her own medicine.
She is being so rude and disrespectful! I see three possible courses of action:
1. Give her a taste of her own medicine: Mark any mail addressed to your maiden name as return to sender, addressee unknown. Set up an automatic reply (or fake one) to emails to your old email address that says "This email address is no longer being checked. Please direct all emails to the new address" and then refuse to answer the emails unless they come to your new email address.
2. Ignore her: Anyone who is this immature and petty isn't going to listen to reason...just let it go.
3. Confront her, say your piece, and then let it go: If you haven't made it expressly clear that she needs to address you how you want to be addressed, then you could do so, if you think there's any good in doing this. It might be she's so entrenched in her own beliefs she'll never listen to you anyway. But it might make you feel better.
She is being rude.
But women who don't change their names find that their mother in laws, aunts, grandmas and random people insist in 'forgetting' that little fact as well and send things to Mrs. X, equally as rude. None that I know of send the mail back - no matter how tempting. Of course, with a sister you can get away with more...
I'm sorry your sister is doing that. I just have to say, that as a slightly absent minded sister, it took me a while to say my sister's married name. Part of the issue was she took her time changing it, and I wasn't entirely sure when the change took place. Not to mention she wasn't really upfront about how she wanted to be addressed. I didn't really get the hint until I saw her name changed in her email signature. I felt really bad for taking so long to get the hint.
That being said, maybe you can just let her know that you would like for her to start calling you by your new name. Even if she is doing that to bother you, I can't imagine she would keep doing it if she knew how silly it was.
She's totally being rude about it. And I come at it from a very different view - someone who's not changing my name and is somehow always caught off guard when people I know do. I hear a lot of stories about (usually) older relatives not recognizing a woman keeping her name, which is totally obnoxious and rude. This is no less so.
Either way, I think there's three basic strategies when someone refuses to acknowledge your choice regarding your own name:
1) Ignore it completely. Pretend it doesn't bother you until it doesn't. In the scheme if things, if 99% of people get your name right, it might not be worth it to worry about it.
2) Talk to her seriously. Let her know clearly and reasonably what it is she's doing and why it bothers you. Hear out her arguments if she has them, but try as hard as you can not to get angry or upset. Discuss it reasonably, and if it doesn't change anything, wait a good while before bringing it up again. Consider going to option 1 or option 3 if this doesn't work.
3) Be passive aggressive. Set up an error message auto-reply at your email address. Return her mail to sender - the person she is trying to reach does not exist. If she starts dating someone seriously, call her HerFirst TheirLast.
In my family everyone has changed their name, but most woman are referred to by both names... To the effect that my great grandparents family name is still referred to as the family name of one section of my family who actually all have different last names because our grandmothers took their husbands names... but as a combined group it is our great grandparents name that is the shared common name. (My grandmother and her sisters were their only descendants, and they have since died... but it was common in their hometown to refer to the "girls" by their maiden name by friends and family who knew them in their youth.) My mother and aunts are similarly all know by both names, and when in my mother's hometown, I'm referred to as her maiden name's daughter... So I wouldn't be offended by someone who sees you as both a new wife and an old friend, but it sounds like your sister has another agenda in mind! That being said, let her know that she's following a verbal tradition, but you would appreciate her addressing your mail properly by your married name. You made an educated and informed decision.
I think her behavior is incredibly rude. She is free to have her own opinions on the issue but that doesn't give her the right to judge/force those opinions on others.
I will not change my name after the wedding but it is a personal choice. I don't care if other people do, it is their decision to make.
I'd sit her down and try to have a rational discussion about it. Just explain why it bothers you. Say you know she has her views on the topic but that doesn't mean she can broadcast those views to other people.
Good luck!
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So, I am having some family drama I'd like to get some insight on from various perspectives. I got married a little over 2 years ago (yeah, that's right, I can't quit the hive) and changed my name to my current, married name after the wedding.
Every now and then friends and family will slip up and still call me by my maiden name but this has become less and less frequent as we've been married longer and longer. Less frequent with everyone that is but my sister. I think she is refusing to accept my married last name!
My sister still calls me by my maiden name, addresses mail to my maiden name and sends e-mails to my old, maiden name address (which isn't too big of a deal since it forwards but still). My sister is super against changing names after marriage and says she thinks I sold out/gave up apart of myself when I changed my name. And FYI- she knows for sure I chose to change my name. She just chooses to ignore/conveniently forget it at times.
So, I have some questions. Has anyone else dealt with this? I haven't brought anything up to her yet because she can be a super drama queen and I was 1. Not totally sure it was purposeful until recently (she can be kind of absentminded). But after 2 full years...I am pretty sure she has gotten the memo. And 2. Not really sure what to say about it. Is it really that big of a deal? On the one hand I feel like she is not respecting my decision and on the other hand...I feel like I am making a mountain out of a molehill.
What do you think?