Post # 1
Ever since I got engaged one thing has been really bugging me and putting a stall to my wedding planning. Hopefully you guys can help!
I am the oldest of 4 kids. I have one brother (P) and two sisters (A and H). There is 4 years difference between me and H, 8 between me and P and 11 between me A. Me and H used to be kind of close, but we are complete polar opposites and the age difference makes it hard. Over the past year things have gotten even rockier in or relationship, and we very rarely see each other due to my work schedule and her school schedule and the fact that I don’t live at home. Me and A have really never been close because of the age difference. In fact I get along with my brother best!
So I am planning my wedding and trying to decide on bms and moh. My original plan was to have none of my family in the wedding, other than Dad walking me down the aisle. I really wanted them to be able to sit back and enjoy the wedding. Now that some time has gone by I don’t know if that’s a good idea.
Honestly me and A have never been close and at the age of 12 I don’t really know that she’s old enough to be a bm. So I had already thought of not including her. However, I don’t want to include one and not the other. Me and H aren’t close either, not for a long time anyway. (My brother will also not be in the wedding) So I guess my question is who should I include? Should I let H be a bm and not include A and risk hurting A’s feelings? Should I include neither and risk hurting both of their feelings? Or should I let them both be in the wedding? The FI says to include neither and just let 3 of my friends be in it. He likes the idea of a family free wedding party so that the family can just enjoy it. I’m just worried my family won’t see it that way.
Post # 3
Your bridesmaids should be those you are closest with and who have always been by your side. Doesn’t sound like either of your sisters really fit the bill. Honestly if no one’s mentioned it at all ( I’m not sure how long you’ve been engaged) then it probably won’t hurt anyone’s feelings. Maybe you can involve them some other way? Greeting guests at the door and handing out programs and bubbles or bird seed? Or even letting them hang out with you the day of as “personal attendants”? Don’t worry I’m sure you’ll think of something!
Post # 4
For the sake of avoiding family drama, I would include both sisters. However, I would make the younger one a junior BM.
Post # 5
I think excluding your sisters from your wedding party is potentially one of the most hurtful things you could do. Even if you don’t have a great relationship now, you might become closer down the road – but you’ll make that much less likely to ever happen if you don’t include them.
You could ask them whether they’re interested, and if they say “Nah,” then you’ll know you don’t need to ask them. But I wouldn’t consciously choose to not include them. Your friends may or may not remain friends through the rest of your life, but your sisters will always be your sisters.
Post # 6
I say keep it family-free. I don’t understand when people say “oh, you must include them – they’re family!” Maybe I’m heartless >:}
If you really feel compelled to include them, do it in a different way. Readings? Flower Girls? There’s got to be a different option.
Post # 7
I think you should include both and it might very well bring you closer to eachother, which I think would be a great gesture.
Post # 8
I don’t think they need to be BM’s necessarily but they do need to have a very special / important role. Could they do readings, perhaps? Something upfront/ceremony specific (not guest book type behind the scenes types of things).
Post # 9
@KCKnd2: +1 My thoughts exactly
Post # 10
Perhaps the older sister could do a reading, and the younger could be in charge of the guestbook. Both are positions that show their importance, and get them in the program, but they’re things that they can do on the day, without a lot of pre-planning or tension.
Post # 11
@bmrhodes: It’s your wedding, and you should just tell them that you want them to be able to enjoy it. If they are angry just say that you’re not particularly close siblings anyway, there is nothing wrong with the truth. Don’t feel like you have to do whatever your family wants to keep them happy, it’s YOUR wedding.
Post # 12
I vote ask both sisters to be in the wedding with the younger one being a junior bridesmaid. My mom has 3 sisters and when my siblings and I were younger we would look at her wedding pictures and ask why all of her sisters were not in the wedding (she had 2 of the 3 as bridesmaids). She always told us that if she had to do it again she would have just had her sisters. Friends come and go, but family (whether you like them or not) are forever!
Post # 13
Thanks everybody for the replies! It really means a lot!
I understand that being excluded can be very hurtful. I have tried putting myself in their place, which is why I started having doubts to begin with. I certainly don’t want to be years down the road and regret the decision. My plan was to just talk to them like @KCKnd2: suggested. However, everytime I have tried H has just blown me off. I want it to be something we can all sit down together and talk about but it’s just not working… I’m getting to the point now where I just want to forget having a bridal party at all! I’m just so discouraged! 🙁 Hopefully I’ll have an update for you guys soon! Thanks again!
Post # 14
I think that you should consider having them in the wedding as bridesmaids or junior bridesmaids. In the future, you might develop closer relationships with them and it would be a little sad to know that you didn’t have them in your wedding because at the time you weren’t close. Plus if they are young (teenagers) they may not see it as being “cool” to want to be in your wedding but they secretly really would love the honor.