Post # 1
- Wedding: September 2013 - The Skinner Barn
I’ve never had a lot of girl friends so when I picked bridesmaids I knew I only wanted a few girls by my side. One was my best friend since childhood and the other was my fiance’s sister. We’re not close now but I was hoping this experience would make us closer. Both of these ladies were thrilled to be ask and have been more than helpful in the planning process.
Then, there’s my sister. She’s 6 years older than me (I’m 22, she’s 28) and not married. She’s currently unemployed, in plenty of debt, and living with my parents and her 2 cats. She hasn’t had a boyfriend in about 2 years and is generally pretty bitter about it. However, I love my sister. We’re pretty close and she’s the only person I can see being my maid of honor.
Here’s the problem: my sister’s bitterness is ruining my planning joy. She refuses to talk about the wedding and gets pissy whenever she overhears me and my mother talking about it. She told me that she’ll only go to the wedding if I invite her two friends and if she gets to pick her own dress. Even then, though, she says she doesnt want to be there. She has told me more than once that I’m being selfish for having a $15000 wedding and I should just go to the courthouse instead of having my parents pay for it (which they insisted upon).
The other day, we got into a huge fight. My mom asked me when I was meeting with the florist and my sister was in the room. She immediately said “Can you keep these stupid wedding conversations away from me?”. I got angry and said “You know, as my maid of honor, you’re supposed to be part of this conversation”. Her response was “I’m the maid of honor?….Do I have to be?”
I honestly don’t know what to do with her. Do I demote her to bridesmaid and make my lovely best friend the maid of honor? I’m afraid that this will just hurt my sister’s pride more. Still, she is really hurting my feelings and making all of this mierable for me. Can’t she just be happy for me like I would be for her?
Has anyone else had a similar experience? What should I do?
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Ooh crappy :/ I’m sorry! I would just talk to her and see if she would be more comfortable not being the maid of honor. If she’s this bitter about it all, she might prefer a smaller role as a regular bridesmaid. I’d also be honest and tell her how much this is hurting your feelings. Or if that seems like an uncomfortable topic, ask your mom to talk to her? good luck xox
Post # 4
Did you actually ask her previously to be your maid of honour, or did you just assume she would be? Because it sounds as though she didn’t even know about it!
Have you tried just having a conversation with her about what she’s doing and saying, and asking her what you can both do to resolve it? E.g. When she says she doesn’t want to be there, maybe say “I’m really sorry you feel that way, can you tell me why you wouldn’t want to come to my wedding? Maybe we can work something out.”
Also, it sounds as though she’s feeling life has passed her by. She’s living with her parents and a couple of cats (at age 28), well on her way to becoming a crazy old spinster. On top of that, she doesn’t seem to have any chance to landing a boyfriend soon, so chances are she won’t be getting married for another five years or so (at least), meaning she may not have kids or anything until she’s in her mid to late 30s (assuming she does everything in the “normally planned” order). Then she sees you, her little sister getting everything and your mother gushing over it all – all attention is focused on you and your special day, and your parents are forking out a hefty sum of money to make you happy. Yeah, I’d be bitter and pissed off too. Is it right for her to take it out on you? Absolutely not! But whatever she’s feeling, it’s valid and she has every right to feel that way.
I think just sit down and talk with her about what’s going on – try and get her to talk about what she’s thinking and feeling or, failing that, maybe just stop talking about the wedding for a week (when she’s around) and just have attention focused on her and remind her how important she is to you and your parents.
Post # 5
Your sister isn’t handling things well, but I can see why she’s having a hard time with this. It seems like she’s going through a tough time and it’s probably hard for her to be happy. Also, if she’s unemployed and in debt, $15,000 on a wedding probably seems like a lot. I think you should talk to her and try to re-connect, without bringing up the wedding. See what she’s going through. She needs to be reminded that you’re sisters who support each other first. Once you two are on better terms, I’d bring up the wedding again, asking her if she’d prefer to be a bridesmaid.
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
I would plainly ask her if she wants to be in the bridal party and if not, she’s out. I don’t have patience for these types of things, and both of my sisters are in a similar situation as your sister (and they are my BMs). I also would not invite her friends to the wedding on her stipulation that that’s the only way to get her to attend the wedding. With that said, I hope she gets out of her bad attitude and sees that this is a special day for you and that the constant negativity about it is not helping.
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2013 - The Skinner Barn
@LadyElva: I tried asking my sister if she would be the maid of honor when I first got engaged and she basically made fun of me and told me that I was being cheesy. She never gave me an answer, but I assumed she thought that was her role when she started picking out dresses. Honestly, we try to avoid bringing up the wedding whenever she’s even in the house for fear of her freaking out. It’s sad because I don’t feel like it’s shameful and she’s making it out to be that way.
@AlwaysSunny: The whole money thing is a mess because my parents spent more than $20000 trying to get her out of debt about 5 years ago. All of that debt was built up from shopping. Now, she feels like my parents shouldn’t be offering a penny to me because it’s just “a waste”. We try not to even talk about the wedding with her because she either complains or puts down everything I want. If you knew my family, you’d know that she has always been the center of attention just because her life was such a mess. I was doing things the right way so I often got pushed to the back of their thoughts. Not like I want to take the spotlight from her. I hate being the center of attention. But I think the fact that she’s even a teensy bit off-center is making her mad. The other day she told my mom that she shouldn’t be so excited about the wedding because most people get divorced these days anyway. What a mess.
Sorry, total rant lol. I’ve just been keeping quiet about how much it bothers me to my family because everyone else has been so kind and supportive.
Post # 8
- Wedding: July 2012 - Catholic Church
If she’s not being helpful/supportive then I think you shoud demote her. She herself asked to not be your MOH, so if you have a discussion with her about whether she’d like to be your MOH, just a BM, or just a guest then maybe you two can come to an understanding. My DH ended up demoting his best man and promoting another friend to that position because his best man refused to do anything that a best man is supposed to do. DH was so happy to have a best man who actually gave a crap standing with him on the day of the wedding.