Sisters, one got engaged first, the other is putting their wedding first, help?!

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
11717 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you’re overreacting.  Just because you got engaged first doesn’t mean that you get to lay claim on the entire season.  She’s not interering with your wedding, and she’s not hindering your planning.  While she isn’t being overly helpful or nice about your wedding, two wrongs don’t make a right. 

And honestly, beyond the age of 16, do birthdays really matter that much?  I don’t get the big deal about the wedding being on your birthday.  That wouldn’t have bothered me at all.

Post # 4
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

You’re going to have to be the bigger person.  Moving the venue would be seen as childish, and I’m not sure you want that.

Just keep your wedding planning completely separate, so the two weddings will be very different.  That way it’ll feel more like YOUR wedding.

Post # 5
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@ClaireV:  I was in almost your exact situation. I got engaged, and then two weeks later my younger sister also got engaged. She then decided to have her wedding six months before mine. It was great! We got to talk about wedding stuff together, have engagement party fun together, and I did/do not resent her in the slightest because I really don’t care who gets married first as long as we are both happy. So sorry to say it, but yes, I think you are being unreasonable.

Post # 6
Member
2684 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

@ClaireV:  I think that if you feel angry, you feel angry; there’s no question of whether or not you have a “right” to feel angry. You are entitled to your feelings. That said, you don’t own the year in which your wedding is to take place, and your sister is equally entitled to have her wedding in July. At least she picked a month well before yours and not the weekend before yours! And it sounds like she would have chosen a day other than your birthday had one been available? I think your entire family INCLUDING you will be much happier if you can find your way to a spirit of being generous and loving and accepting of the timing of this. YOU will be happier than if you continue to be resentful about it. Why put yourself through the emotional wringer on this one when you can instead choose to be okay with it? (If you’re feeling sad about your birthday, will your FI agree to do something special and nice for it maybe the weekend before?)

Post # 7
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I’m sorry you’re upset. It’s fine to be angry. I think you might be overthinking this because she’s been negative and I feel you. It’s hard to not react. However, being negative because someone else is negative is like burning your own house down because your neighbor’s house caught fire. You should let yourself be irked for a while and then try to move on.

I don’t think your sister is out of line with her wedding date though. It sounds like she could be nicer but that is beside the point. You guys chose your date so you should own it. They get to choose their own date for their own reasons as well. I hope the experience of planning your weddings together will bring you closer. 

Post # 8
Member
2169 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

My wedding’s on my brother’s birthday and he doesn’t care! Honestly, you’re going to get a flood of people saying that your sister was entitled to choose her own day and I agree. Maybe her intentions werent wonderful but isn’t it better to be the bigger person and move on? I like the comment that if you more angry you’re angry and there’s no question of whether you’re right to feel that or not. I’d just hate you to let that ruin yiur enjoyment of both yours and your sisters planning long term, because shouldn’t both be fun? as for engagement order setting wedding order… Well this is friends not sisters but in our group the first three to get engaged are actually getting/got married in reverse order.   M & G got engaged in Jan 2012 & haven’t set a date yet (although last I heard they were thinking Sept 2015… his work is very restrictive), we got engaged Oct 2012 & are getting married March this year and B & C got engaged in Feb 2013 and were married Oct the same year.  we all have our own reasons for picking the dates we did.

 

Post # 9
Member
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

there is no rule for engaged first, married first.  engagements and weddings are all individual.

i agree with pp.  your sister’s wedding does not interfere at all with your wedding so why are you so upset?  you even said that you considered july but it would be too rushed to plan and that is why you have chosen october.  your sister is the one who will be rushed with the planning now.  why would you be upset with that?

Post # 10
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think you are over reacting. You are getting married to your FI not your entire family. They are not in this journey with you to walk down the aisle the same way they will not be extra people involved in your marriage.

While I get the sting of your sister doing everything she can to set the world right in her head (get married before you) by choosing your brithday she has every right to pick a convenient date for her and her fiance. Unless you already had plans for your bday her wedding will be a party for you too. Don’t tell her that. 😉 Just think you will be all dolled up, liquor will be flowing, music will be blasting and your family will be there. Win-Win. 

As the years go by, no one is going to care that day is both her anniversary or that it’s your birthday. You won’t have to sacrifice a little bday fun to celebrate her annis every year. 

Please, please remember just because you get engaged and set a date does not mean you own that entire calendar until your big event comes. People, even siblings, can announce pregnancies, engagements and have babies and weddings and showers associated with those milestones in your “engaged to wedding calendar.”

A friend of mine once remarked how “funny” it was that another friend of mine became engaged after her, but married first. Every person has their own time table. Just worry about yours.

Post # 11
Member
252 posts
Helper bee

@ClaireV:  I am just wondering, why do you feel that her getting married first is in anyway disrespectful to your wedding? Did you want to be the first one to get married or something? Was that in someway special to you? I’m inclined to think that it is because I just don’t see how this could bother you if you didn’t care. Your entire post is all about how your sister is doing this because she wants to be first, but I think that you need to address the fact that you wanted to be first and are now upset that she’s actually getting married first. Your sister is entitled to pick the day that is best for her.. and you do realize that she’s got her FI’s family to factor in as well, right?

Also, I have no idea why you felt the need to mention the length of her relationship being shorter than yours. Okay – so you’ve been in a relationship longer, you got engaged first, so you feel entitled to get married first? Nope. You need to put on your big girl panties and stop causing drama (and you venting and moaning to your parents is drama because that puts them at odds between their daughters…).

Do you also think that someone should wait to graduate college because their siblings started college first but haven’t graduated? Should they wait to enroll because they know their sibling is planning on enrolling? What about kids? Should you wait to have a baby because your sister is trying to get pregnant? No? Weddings aren’t any different. Her wedding is 3 months before yours – its not even close enough to be causing drama over in that respect either.

So yes, you’re overreacting. No, you shouldn’t be angry, and it’s a bit immature to be angry, but really you can’t control your emotions. If you’re angry, you’re angry. I don’t think you have the right to be angry. She’s not really done anything that deserves your anger (while she’s done things not how you wanted, she’s not really done anything BAD – just not in line with how you pictured things.)

 

Consider this… maybe she knew her proposal was coming. Maybe the ring was ordered long ago but wasn’t in yet. Maybe he was planning on proposing around the time you got engaged and they pushed it back. You really don’t know, and it doesn’t seem that y’all have a good enough relationship where she would even share these truthful details with you – so yeah, just suck it up. You’re NOT being the bigger person, don’t kid yourself. You’re going to be acting like an adult. Your sister is certainly not being a smaller person by getting married before you. She’s getting married when SHE wants to. End of story.

Post # 12
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@ClaireV:  I don’t see the problem. You could have chosen July but you chose not to. You can’t be upset that they decided to choose it now. I don’t believe in whoever gets engaged first has to get married first. It’s unfortunate your sister wasn’t supportive of your engagement but she was clearly hurting. Just enjoy planning your weddigs together now. Life’s too short for petty stuff like this, especially when it comes to family.

Post # 14
Member
2684 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

@ClaireV:  I would suggest that whichever family members come over for your sister’s wedding, make sure you take advantage of the time and spend it with them! On your own wedding day you will be too busy for a lot of real quality time with the Americans, but on your sister’s day it will be different. It’s TOTALLY okay to feel sad and frustrated about the way things have worked out. Just don’t let it ruin this special time! Focus on the positive when you can.

Post # 15
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Op, wouldn’t that have happened to your sister if you got married first. Her wedding would have been the sequel to yours and she would be lamenting about it the way your are? So, another poster was right on the money you really did want to get married first. This is your hang up, not hers.

I disagree with PPs that you will have fun planning your wedding together. Nope, plan your own wedding the way- don’t compare notes. If you really don’t want to mimic your sister take it off the farm. Already you mentioned the would – be overlap guests may not make it to yours. So boom intimate wedding. Unless you are marrying brothers your fiance’s fam will see it all for the first time. Send STDs and this way your overlap guests can decide who’s wedding to attend or budget for both. You may be surprised which date is more convenient for folks.

Post # 16
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@ClaireV:  I can understand your worries about family traveling. Like CurlyCue said, you won’t really have time to hang out with them during your own wedding so it might actually be better if they come to your sister’s. I would expect that since families are more likely to travel in the summer than in the fall. 

You can make your weddings totally different too – different food, different theme, different entertainment. My SIL and I got married at the same place. I’m not going to say the thought didn’t cross my mind but it was actually great. She told me things to watch out for and had experience with everything. Yours will be different and special because it’s about you and your FI.

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