sitting, waiting, wishing, praying, and going CRAZY for the PROPOSAL

posted 3 years ago in Proposals
Post # 3
Member
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@alybar:  Girl, you’re only 24…give the man some time! It takes a long time to save money for a ring!

Post # 4
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

5 years is a long time, but if you’re each other’s firsts that throws in another wrench – makes it hard to see what you have/what you don’t have.

I would say calm yourself down, but you’ll get plenty of that here.

Ultimadums don’t really get anyone anywhere, so I’d either sit and wait some more (and get some out-of-the-house hobbies!!!) or leave.

And BTW – living together is not wife auditioning. I hate it when people say that. It requires both parties to chip in appropriately – that is the very nature of moving in together.
If you don’t like your workload, give some of it to him or hire someone to help.

Post # 5
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

I completely understand your frustration in feeling like you’re “auditioning” to be his wife! I’m also goal-oriented and its very frustrating to feel like 1) acheiving that goal is not in your control and 2)  he is making no progress towards that goal. 

I can’t tell you what to do or how to move forward because only you know what’s right for yourself and your relationship. A lot of times, I just need to vent to my girlfriends for a bit. I know you don’t want to pressure him into a proposal, but it seems to me that the only way to avoid resentment is to talk to him about it. IMO, there’s nothing wrong with saying, “hey, my expectation is that we’ll be engaged within the year. what do you think about that?” or something similar. 

Once you explicitly let him know what your goals are for the future, if he doesn’t make the effort to save money for a ring/wedding, or he doesnt seem interested in that future, then you have a choice to make. 

Post # 6
Member
817 posts
Busy bee

Have you had a real conversation with him about marriage yet?  I think you need to talk to him and see where his mind is.  Maybe get a timeline from him.  You two have been together for a good while but still, he’s just a 24 year old guy.  He might not really have thought about marriage like you have.

Post # 7
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Although you guys have been together for a very long time some guys take longer to mature, many 24 yr old males won’t be entirely ready for marriage in this day and age. Maybe it’s time for a serious discussion and for a timeline to be planned. 

Post # 8
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@alybar:  I lived with my FH for 3 years before he proposed and I’m 36. If you know he’s the one, you can wait it out. If you have doubts, get your own place and go back to a regular dating relationship. I wouldn’t tell any person who had some of your same thoughts to simply sit back and wait. If you are unhappy, change it! Life is too short to be miserable.

Embrace your feminism too. DO NOT be locked down by a man with whom you have doubts.

You don’t owe any man any thing until you walk down that aisle and say I DO!

Post # 9
Member
6872 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

I started dating my FH when we were 19 too. I can say that he definitely wasn’t husband material at 24. We dated for 7 1/2 years before he proposed. The timing worked for us.

If you feel like you are ready to be married to him and not that you just like the idea of marriage or want a proposal/ring, then you guys need to sit down and have the timeline talk. How long until he gets a better job? How long will he saves up for the ring/wedding?

It seems like you are really worried what he is spending his money on – don’t forget to consider that in a marriage your finances will be shared. Can you trust him with that?

If he is a good man and you love him, don’t worry about him “locking you down.” Enjoy the time you have in your life right now as boyfriend and girlfriend – it’s not a race to the altar. I know that your 20s can feel like a competition on who gets married first, who buys a house first, who has a baby first – just remember that you’re with the man you’ve loved for 5 years. If you are starting to resent him because he’s not asking you to marry him, you need to tell him this and seriously talk about your future or it will ruin your present.

Post # 10
Member
557 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 1993

My biggest concern would be his laziness.  Is this how you want to live.  People don’t just up and change especially if they don’t have a reason to.  He seems to be very happy with the situation the way it is. Something to think about. 

Post # 10
Member
317 posts
Helper bee

alybar:  I don’t think you’re crazy or selfish, these are natural thoughts that occur, especially because of the longevity of your relationship. With that being said, men mature more slowly than women and you can’t force them to do what they don’t want to do. You both are still young and he might not be there yet. It’s funny, I just made a thread about my waiting on a ring too! I’m learning to think of it this way, he’s coming home to you, he’s keeping a home with you, he has been committing himself to you, so to an extent, you are “locked down.'” He has laid claim on you and wants you for a partner.

Like I said, I’m playing the waiting game too. And I have had thoughts, “Am I wasting my time?” “Am I wasting my young years?” “What’s the hold up?” The questions in my head are endless, but when those questions/doubts arise, just counter those questions with memories of the great times. The first I love you, The first kiss, the emotions you felt, how happy you are growing with him. It always helps me! Feel free to PM if you want to rant some more. I would love to have someone to do the same with. Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

My last long term relationship was from the age of 19 – 25 (6 years) and we did similar things. We talked about our future, we discussed marriage and we loved each other a lot. But our relationship eventually came to its end because well, you’re young and you need/want more experiences. We had missed that early 20’s get out and live life phase, we just settled right into a long term relationship. We had also started living together around 4 months after we had started dating. And he was also “lazy” in that he had a ton of different jobs, was always late and loved playing video games but can I blame him? He was a young guy.

Anyways, not saying that my situation will be your situation. He may very well propose in the future. But he’s also young and you’ve been together for 5 years. And giving ultimatums or pressure is definitely not the way to do it.

I recently got engaged last December and we’re both 31, we had been together for 5 years. So I wouldn’t get emotional about it, you’re young and both of you have time to figure out what you want in life. If he’s really the one for you and vice versa, then it will happen eventually.

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