Post # 1
Hi girls ….I need some advice. I’m getting married in August and it will be a traditional Indian wedding! My fiance and I decided to do the whole “bridesmaids/groomsmen” thing. Even though it’s not traditionally a part of Indian weddings, we thought it would be fun and make the day more special (having our closest friends be part of the wedding). I ended up deciding on 7 of my girlfriends (he chose 8 of his guy friends). When I was deciding, there was one girl (I’ll call her B) who I was not sure whether I wanted to include in the “wedding party”. We were pretty close in college and made an effort to stay in touch after ….I’ve always known that she tends to be a little selfish. Somehow it didn’t bother me before but in the last couple years I’ve just had this nagging feeling that she and I would NOT become friends if we met now. And I’ve been feeling like maybe I’ve outgrown that friendship. It’s not that she’s a bad person ….I just think she has a tendency to be selfish and at times immature. When I got engaged, I texted/emailed all of my friends (it was just too overwhelming in that moment to call everyone and repeat the story). I wanted to share the news with B …she was the one close friend who had not called or sent a text/email congratulating me. When I called her I said I had some news. She said “Oh yeah, I heard. Congratulations.” It just disappointed me how ….disinterested she seemed. I mean she had heard from a mutual friend that I got engaged but didn’t call or email me! She asked me how he proposed – and then went on about one of her closest friend from high school had also just got engaged. And had I heard that another friend of ours from college was pregnant now? ….I just felt a bit irritated that I called her with (what I thought was) big news and she didn’t show as much excitement for me as most of my other friends had. I think that kind of made my decision to not ask her to be one of my bridesmaids ….I was OK with us just being casual friends from then on (she would still be invited to my wedding).
Anyways, B is also engaged (since Feb of last year). Last year I’d asked her what dates she was considering for her wedding and she said they’d probably put it off til 2012. I set my wedding date for August 20 of this year. And he and I decided we wanted to go on a honeymoon a couple days after the wedding (Tahiti/Bora Bora is our dream destination …we’re SO excited. It’s really expensive but we’re working on it). After we started talking about all this (and booked our wedding venue for Aug 20th), I got an email from B saying “Save the date for my wedding! August 28th, 2011. Details to follow.” Technically I *could* leave a little later for my honeymoon (delay it by a week so we can go to B’s wedding) but I don’t want to!! My fiance and I want to leave for our honeymoon around Aug 22th and be gone for around 7 to 10 days (at least). So chances are, we may be on our honeymoon during her wedding. I emailed her on her birthday. She responded and asked if I’d gotten her Save the Date. That’s when I responded and said I had but that my wedding was the week before hers and I may be on my honeymoon during her wedding. I basically said “I will do my best to be there but here’s the situation. I’m really sorry if I’m unable to make it.” I felt a little bad about it ….maybe it’s a little selfish and stubborn for me to be insistent on taking my honeymoon right away and missing her wedding. But #1) I feel like we’ve drifted apart lately so that played into my decision and #2) I feel that if it means that much to her for me to be at her wedding (AND she knows I’m engaged and therefore planning MY wedding too), she should have asked me what days I was considering for my wedding.
Well – she didn’t take it well. She responded to me and said that she’ll never forgive me if I don’t come to her wedding. She said that since she set her date before mine I should have worked around hers. The best part was when she said “I can’t get over the fact that you set your wedding date and honeymoon the week before mine. Considering that we’re such good friends, I thought you would work around my date when I announced it.” And she ended the email by saying “So go on your honeymoon and come back in time for my wedding – because you already knew my date!” I was so upset after I read that, I was literally SHAKING. I know I shouldn’t let it get to me but I was pissed. I fired back a response. In summary I basically said “You’re being presumptuous by assuming that your date was set before mine. I had mine set long before I got your email! It’s really rude and selfish of you to act like you are the only one getting married this year and telling me what to do with my honeymoon. You consider me a good friend? I’m sorry but it didn’t seem like you did when I didn’t even get a phone call from you when I got engaged.” Right after she sent me the scathing email, she had also sent my fiance a message on Facebook saying “Hi, we haven’t met. I’m Sony’s good friend from college. I heard you guys may not make it to my wedding on Aug 28th. I would be devastated if Sony is not at my wedding. So please arrange to be there. Thanks.” Ughh …she’s never even met him before, why is she involving him?! I can’t believe how childish she is. And I was in Palm Springs for a romantic weekend getaway with my fiance when I saw the email on my phone. He told me to take some time to cool down before I emailed her but I was just so fired up. Right before we went for our couples’ massage, I saw I had a voicemail from her. She apologized for the email and said she felt there had been a lot of miscommunications and she felt we should talk. I felt better after getting her message and decided to call her on Monday (after my weekend). My fiance told me I needed to let that situation go for now because he’d brought me there to relax and he hated seeing me so upset. I guess it was a mistake to hold off on calling her though because the next day she emailed me said “Are you planning to call me?! I left you a voicemail yesterday. There’s no need to get so angry, we just need to talk. I would never forget about you or ignore you like this.” I responded right away and apologized for not getting back to her sooner. I said I wasn’t trying to ignore her. I appreciated her voicemail and I would call her on Monday since I was in Palm Springs. I tried to be nice but I was definitely put off by the tone of her email! And I noticed when I logged onto Facebook that she removed me as a friend!! I actually didn’t care that much but I was just irritated by how immature her behavior was. Finally I broke down and called her earlier (on Sunday). I wanted to clear the air. I told her that I wasn’t the enemy here – not trying to ruin her wedding on purpose! She said she was sorry for the email; that she had just been in a really emotional state. She told me her wedding guest list was only 40-50 people and my presence was really important and she was thinking of changing the date of her wedding now (so that it wouldn’t conflict with mine). I told her she didn’t have to go to the trouble of doing that but she said “No, it’s really important to me that you be at my wedding.”
Now I feel awkward. I’m asking myself if I should just suck it up and put my honeymoon off for a week so I can go to her wedding before I leave (I would still get to go for about 7 to 10 days and have the vacation time before I have to be back at work). Her behavior is really irritating me for sure and I don’t forsee us being lifelong friends after this – we just don’t have enough in common. But she IS getting married and I don’t want to upset her. I mean, she’s thinking of changing the date of her wedding for me. Also ….what if she asks me to be one of her bridesmaids?! That will be really awkward because she’s not one of mine. How should I handle this situation. Any advice?
Post # 3
What a drama queen. Don’t change your plans for her, she’s clearly just attention-seeking and being manipulative. She can do whatever she wants to with her wedding; don’t compromise on yours just to appease someone who’s obviously overreacting.
Post # 4
It’s really your choice, but if you’re feeling like this now… then there is a good chance you’ll be even less impressed with her as time goes on… so I say don’t change your honeymoon unless you *want* to be at the wedding. If she changes her date for you to go, then you go.
But it doesn’t sound like you even *want* to go…
Post # 5
Go on your honeymoon, send her a nice gift and card and be done with it. She (and this drama)sounds ridiculous.
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ
Wow…I really have no idea. I think I would weigh whether or not I wanted this person in my life. It sounds like you’re leaning towards not. I think if it were me, I may change my honeymoon date (mainly because having a honeymoon right after the wedding isn’t important to me), but start to distance myself from her afterwards.
I know that is kind of a passive aggressive way to do it, but considering how dramatic she is, I wouldn’t want to deal with her reaction if I just said “Look, don’t change your wedding date, but it’s obvious to me we aren’t very close and your behavior is ridiculous. Please don’t send me an invite. I won’t make your wedding regardless.”
Either way, she sounds like the kind of destructive person I wouldn’t want in my life, and I would hesitate to invite someone like this to my own wedding. 🙁
Sorry you’re having to deal with this.
Post # 7
ewwww she sounds like such a nasty person! Keep your honeymoon exactly where it is! I wouldn’t change my plans for someone unless we were the best of friends and they were going to be gracious about the whole situation. You need to be a little selfish sometimes… if she really wants you there THAT bad, then she’ll change it. You had your date set first anyway.
Post # 8
To be honest, your post was a bit long so I mostly skimmed. But honestly, this doesn’t sound like a person who would be missed in your life if she actually made good on her threat of “never forgiving you”.
Post # 9
I think you have to evaluate if you’ll miss her as a friend or if you won’t miss the friendship. The thing is, you asked her to stand in your wedding. At one point, during your planning process, you thought she’s important to you enough to ask her to be part of your bridal party. I think she’s acting very inconsiderate and selfish, but the fact is, you can accept the person she is and be the bigger person. You very well know that wedding planning is stressful, and she values your presence at her wedding. You said you can potentially go on your honeymoon a few days later. I think others’ posts make sense: do what you want to do. But if you think you’ll miss her in the future, I’d do my best to attend her wedding. It’s a once in a lifetime event for most. (So is your honeymoon, but I’m sure you and your SO will go on many trips in the future). Good luck with your decision, and I’m awfully sorry you have to make such a difficult choice.
Post # 10
To play devil’s advocate a little, I think some of her behavior is understandable. You said you texted/emailed your close friends to announce your engagement, but it doesn’t sound like you reached out to her, since she found out from a mutual friend. I know if a close friend of mine (someone close enough to be a bridesmaid) got engaged and I heard it through someone else first, I would be really upset. I would have let her know at the same time as you contacted all of your other close friends.
Similarly, you could have let her know your date sooner, since as a bridesmaid (and fellow bride) she needs to plan around it.
Then again, she could have talked to you before she chose her date if your presence was so important! I know I checked with all the people who “had” to be at my wedding before setting the date.
This sounds like a lot of miscommunication on both sides. Obviously some of her behavior is quite immature, but she sounds insecure and hurt by your actions. I would decide if you do want to be friends or not. If you do, you need to communicate better with her and see if you can figure out a way to attend her wedding. If you don’t, skip the wedding and I think that will pretty much end the friendship.
Post # 11
@GirlWithARing: Thanks for your responses everyone. GirlWithARing – I appreciate that you helped me see it from the other side a little too. She is actually not one of my bridesmaids (I made the decision based on the fact that I feel we’ve drifted apart). Last year we probably talked twice total and emailed a few times (most of those instances were when she needed a favor or something from me). I understand what you mean about her possibly being upset that I didn’t reach out to her individually to let her know I was engaged. But actually I didn’t reach out to anyone individually ….I sent a mass text message to the closest friends (or those I thought were and that DID include her) just basically saying “Hey guys, I’m engaged!” And that’s when the phone calls started coming in ….from everyone except her. And then I sent an email a couple days later with the proposal story. I guess I felt like “Hmm, hey how come everyone has called/texted/emailed me except her??” When I called her about it she said that her phone doesn’t receive text messages and she heard from another friend who’d gotten the text (and talked to me). And I felt like “Why didn’t you call me then?!” I called her and made a big “to-do” about it when she got engaged. Ehhh …sticky situation all around I guess!
I would have let her know my date sooner if I’d known she was getting married in 2011. But last I spoke to her, she said they’d probably put it off until 2012. Then next I heard from her was her about it was her “Save the Date” email after my date was in the process of being finalized with the venue. I’m not trying to discount her side of it (there’s always 2 sides) ….I just hate that all of this is happening! I still don’t entirely know what to do about it. On the one hand I want to respect, as a fellow bride, that it can be so disappointing if someone you consider a close friend doesn’t come to your wedding. But on the other hand, my honeymoon is THE most important to me and my fiance. That is our gift to OURSELVES. We feel like a lot of this wedding hoopla is more for our parents and family members than it is for US. And the honeymoon is the one thing that we are doing entirely for ourselves. We could put it off til after her wedding but part of me just doesn’t want to. Ugh, anyways sorry for the long message above. I just hate having any kind of drama like this and wish I could just enjoy the wedding, go on my honeymoon right after the wedding AND go to her wedding (thereby making everyone happy). But it doesn’t seem like this situation is going to work out that neatly unfortunately! 🙁
Post # 12
I understand where you are coming from. If she is planning on moving her date because of you, and you think that she is going to ask you to be a bridesmaid, I understand why you are confused about what to do. If you postpone your honeymoon you are going to be resentful, but if you don’t, I think you will feel a bit guilty, so regardless you are in a tough spot. It sounds to me like you don’t really want to continue on with her being a big part of your life, nor do you see yourselves being friends 10 years from now, so I think you should keep your honeymoon date and just accept that she is probably going to be upset and mad at you. She will probably make you feel bad about it, and that is going to suck, but I don’t think you should change your plans just because of one very dramatic person.
I would tell her not to move the date and that you will see what you can do, but that you can’t guarantee anything and that you hope she understands. If she was/is a good friend she would understand. Also, if she was someone you really cared about, this wouldn’t even be a question for you…. you would plan around it. I know it sucks to be in this situation, but I would try my best to not let her drama get to you and just go on with your planning. If you chose not to postpone your honeymoon, just buy her a nice gift and apologize and move on. She needs to grow up.
I do understand your dilemma. Weddings make people craaaaazzzyyyyy. I always thought my group of friends was fairly drama free and was surprised to see how wrong I was. Weddings bring out the crazy in some people. You just have to try and not let it get to you.