Post # 1
I’m venting here so that no one who knows my husband hears how pissed off at him I am. And I needed to write it all down to figure out if I’m justified in breaking down in tears as often as I am.
…He missed the 60 day window to get me added to his health insurance, and now open enrollment has come up and he’s STILL dragging his feet (he has two more days.) He acts like I’m an idiot when I bring up that my birth control may be late (I’m only covered by Tricare Basic, and my pharmacy doesn’t carry birth control – it has to be shipped) and I bring up other birth control options for the month, yet he’s the one who wants to wait for kids. Additionally, he knows that birth control makes me grouchy 24/7, causes headaches and stomachaches, increases my PMS to “DIE, bastard, DIE!” levels instead of “I might like a cup of cocoa”, and causes weight gain (I’m trying desperately to lose the 40 lbs I put on in the Army), yet he still won’t consider the reality of me stopping it. He also acts like I’m a jerk when I say I’d like to use a birthing center when we have a kid (I want a home birth, he said no. I compromised with a birth center – “My mom had five kids in a hospital, so it’s good enough for MY kids!” I almost DIED the last few times hospitals had any say in my health. The thought of giving birth in a hospital – being helpless while my child is in their hands – TERRIFIES me to the point of wanting my tubes tied. He sat with me through enough seizures and ER trips that he SHOULD get that, but no. I’m just being stupid and selfish for considering a non-hospital birth.) Then, after 3 months of “my job is changing to six month deployments – I need to get out now!”, he goes “well, my job isn’t moving, but the six month deployments still apply, and I’m staying.” He won’t commit to job-hunting or putting down roots, but he wants to try for a baby in Spring – I want to at least know where I’m living before we try to conceive… And if I bring this up, I’m doing so prematurely, because we don’t plan on having kids until spring, so why think about anything related before then? (Because not wanting to mix ever-changing moving plans with child prep is just me being anal.)
Why the hell did I get married?
Post # 3
First of all I think that if you are the one giving birth you get to decide where you do it, and he shouldn’t have any say at all because he is not the one pushing the kid out his….. it needs to be a place where you feel comfortable. I don’t really think that you need to compromise on this one.
If your birth control is making you feel that bad then you need to switch pills or maybe even methods. There are also options that don’t involve hormones like a diaphram or the sponge. Make him use a condom or pull out lol or both. There are lots of different options out there and I’m sure that some of them won’t make you feel this terrible 🙁
I have the same problem with my fiance about him dragging his feet. I think that if you take a more serious tone with the subject instead of “nagging” that helps. Just emphasize how important this issue is and that its also time sensitive. Remind him and let him know that it is something very important and serious.
Post # 4
I’m sorry 🙁 Have you mentioned that it takes a few cycles to regulate after getting off BCP, so it might be a good idea to get off now? Were these things that you discussed before getting married? Maybe meeting with a counseler, either religious or secular would be beneficial? He might just feel like there is a lot of changes going on in your lives right now and that is why he is avoiding these things. Men can be really difficult :-/
Post # 5
Just to clarify, he wasn’t being unreasonable – he was keeping a secret. Told me on my birthday dinner that there’s no point in waiting to try for kids any more. Hopefully, I’ll be on his supplemental insurance as of tomorrow.
Post # 6
@cyneswith:I’m wondering the same thing.
Post # 7
Wow, he wants you to have his child but won’t add you to his insurance? He needs to get you added. now. I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t see that as important.
Post # 8
The insurance thing is within his usual personality – he procrastinates (also, it turns out my health insurance has MUCH better maternity coverage – his will really only help with deductibles. I AM covered, but it’s military insurance.) The birth center/birth control stuff was… him trying to keep a secret for roughly two weeks. He panicked about the birth center conversation because he was planning on saying he’s fine with TTC immediately. Also, there’s no birth center within two hours of our town – so if we’re still here, it’s basically a non-option (I can, however, hire a midwife to attend a hospital birth.) It’s all good/explicable now.
Post # 9
Sounds like you two have some issues to work through before you should start trying for kids. It will only be harder to clear up any problems with communication, responsibilities, and jobs after kids are part of the equation, so I strongly suggest putting TTC on the back burner until these things are figured out and you’re at a better place in your marriage.
Post # 10
what about this part of your initial vent?
“He won’t commit to job-hunting or putting down roots, but he wants to try for a baby in Spring – I want to at least know where I’m living before we try to conceive”
it sounds like you’re super psyched about ttc now (which is yayyy!), and I’m not trying to bring you down, but it also sounded like you had some very real concerns and resentments that don’t necessarily disappear with the babymaking starting that you’ll still want to work through with him.
Post # 11
His job is naturally chaotic (he’s on a yearly contract), and his point was basically that he’s likely to have to move once a year anyway, with a yearly 3 month job-hunt. Stability from TTC to a 3 month old isn’t likely no matter what, and asking him to do his job hunt between points A and B or just settle down wasn’t fully acknowledging his job-related insecurities. He wasn’t saying what he meant (to preserve a surprise), and I was taking him at his word – and venting here. I was wrong on the TTC/BC/birthing front. He is probably wrong on the “just add your wife to your health insurance already” front. Though to be honest, my health insurance covers emergencies, pap smears, and initial pregnancy exams, which are the only things I would’ve gone to a hospital for anyway. Now that pregnancy is a possibility, me having more health insurance makes sense.