Post # 1
Long story short, I’m the type of person who loves physical contact with my man. Hugs, kisses, cuddles, hell yes. I also enjoy verbal confirmations: you’re beautiful, I love you, you mean so much to me, etc. Hubby is not like this whatsoever. After getting up at 5 am, going to work full time, going to the grocery store during lunch hour to pick up items for dinner my love requested, go to class, come home and prep dinner, cook dinner when hubby gets home from class (at ten at night), I’m not even hungry cause I’m so tired at that point lol!
After dinner, I head to bed and request for some attention. I love being home with my man and enjoying one another. It’s too hot to be held for him, so I ask him for that verbal confirmation I love so much. He told me he’s not needy whatsoever, so I used this line to ask cutely if he needs me. We’re lying in bed at this point, he’s tired and I can tell, , as am I, but he shook his head no, so I asked why he didn’t need me and he said, “I unno.” I asked him why he’d say such a thing and he sleepily asked, “What are you talking about?” Being an emotional person, not gonna lie, it hurt my feelings. Even the simple thought of not being a need in his life is scary! But I think he was so tired he didn’t know what he was saying. I don’t want to talk to him about
it if it’s just a silly thing he said while being
tired. But it’s still bothering me for some
He gave me a big hug this morning and told me to have a good day. It seems like he doesn’t realize what he said last night. I almost want to ask if he remembers anything he said to me last night, and go from there. Or should I write it off as him being too tired, and not bring it up at all?
Post # 3
@LittlePumpkin: unfortunately, you kind of set yourself up for it?
he probably answered that way because he was exhausted and felt irritated by the “in depth” conversation you were starting and just wanted to sleep.
i really think it probably puts him in a weird situation when you *ask* him for verbal reassurement when you know it’s not his thing. That’s kind of unfair.
I would talk to him about how you’re feeling, though.
Tell him you need more verbal praise but let HIM decide when he wants to give it to you. That way you won’t set yourself up for disappointment.
Post # 4
Coming from a sleep tech,
It’s not fair to talk to someone when they’re half asleep and expect them to be cognizant of what they’re saying or remember it. He’s tired, his brain is shifting gears. If he is drifting it’s not really possible for him to respond conciously.
Sleep is very important. For you too!
It’s going to sound lame, but set some time aside for cuddling and coversation. You guys have so much going on you’re going to have to make it a priority. Can you go to bed 30 mins earlier and designate that time for talk and cuddle? (Leave a light on though, so he doesn’t fall asleep)
Post # 5
Why would you ask a question you might not want to hear the answer to?
If my DH asked if I needed him, I would say no too. One because it’s just an obnoxious question that’s fishing for something to make you feel better about yourself, which is just unnecessary. And two, because I don’t. I love him and want him, but I certainly don’t need him. Neediness is not a trait I find positive or want to be associated with. He’s probably the same way. I’d let it go and not overthink it.
If you want more verbal confirmation of his love for you, ask him for it. But, some people just aren’t like that. My DH is not verbal about his love for me, but he shows it in other ways. Just because you tell him you need more doesn’t mean it will happen automatically. You have to meet him half way and also work on yourself to recognize and accept the other ways he shows you his love.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
Its really awkward that you feel the need to ask questions like that – especially when the guy is tying to sleep. I wouldn’t take it personally from a guy you know isnt the “lovey dovey” words type.
Post # 7
Maybe you should get a dog.
Post # 9
I wouldn’t take anything your DH says in his sleep that serious. If that were the case, I’d really wonder who my FI is talking about when he said: “Damn, that lady has some huge balls”.
I mean, if your guy isn’t mushy and won’t say those nice affirmations to you on his own, it’s not fair to him that your asking him to do it. It’s not him.
Post # 10
Thanks for the insight. I was falling asleep when he joined me in bed with video game. So I started conversation, but when he lays in bed, he goes from talkative to asleep in the matter of seconds lol! I know he loves me, but iI’m the type of person who likes to hear it. It’s just how I’m programmed. It was meant to be cute, to ask him, but it bit me in the ass!
Post # 11
First off, I’d ignore anything he said when half asleep.
But I do think you need to reach some sort of compromise about constantly reassurement. Not all of us are a constant flow of lovey-dovey words but a lack of them is no reflection on how we truly feel. I do know that I’d find it desperately hard and deeply irritating to live with someone who fished, endlessly, for reassurance. Especially at the end of a long day.
That said, you need to move to a healthier place where your husband recognises that you may need more verbal reassurance than he does and you recognise that actually, if you are secure and happy in your marriage then you don’t need quite so much verbal confirmation.
Post # 12
@Artificial-Sweetener: you’re right! I need to remember that he shows his love in other ways. I’m stubborn sometimes, but I need to remember that we think differently and maybe the way I like to be loved doesn’t make him feel like that, too. Thanks. 🙂
Post # 13
OP, My FI is a sleep talker… and he warned me about it at the VERY beginning of our relationsihp. he has said some OUTRAGEOUS things.. but never mean or bad… I kissed him in the am before leaving to work and he told me “make friends with black people” as I was leaving. I have to say that i dont really think you can hold what one says in their sleep very sincere! Granted he has told me some really cute things too haha. but after that one.. I knew I could never take anything he said seriously.
Luckily he hasnt called me an exs name or anything either!
But on a side note, you are very affectionate and he isn’t. And it sounds like you knew that going into the relationship? So ultimately I think you have to deal with the difference because you knew ahead of time! Guys are very different.. sometimes my FI wants to be needy and hold me and when I’m sleeping or trying to get comfy (granted I’m also 24 weeks pregnant) I am a B! dont touch me. im tired. im trying to fall asleep. PP advice was great that you just show affection differently!
Post # 14
@LittlePumpkin: Oh I can totally identify with you! My SO is the type who shows his love through doing things for me…he isn’t big on saying I love you, he refuses to cuddle when it is hot out, etc. I am just now 7 months in getting used to it because I too am the physical/affirmation type.
He also says random stuff he doesn’t mean when he is going to sleep. In fact we have a “no serious conversation after getting in bed” rule. He works 15 hour days between two jobs and by the time he gets into bed he doesn’t know what the hell is going on. I did try to have a conversation with him when he went to bed once and it turned into me being upset for days and him not having a clue why I was upset. Didn’t even know that he told me he needed time to hang out with friends. The next day he was like “what do you mean you are giving me space?” all freaking out. haha. He has also requested that I sleep on the other side of the bed until it gets cooled down. At first I was all upset buut then we both slept really well and woke up in great moods so I decided I could give up the overheated cuddling when we go to bed! haha
Post # 15
lol…oh my goodness, don’t take it so seriously, the poor guy was probably just sleeptalking and rambling and he had no clue what he was saying…why don’t you ask him again tonight when he’s awake? 🙂 Don’t worry about stuff like that, I’m sure he loves you