Sleeping in different rooms

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2537 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

My Fiance and I sleep in separate areas.  His snoring really irritates me to the point of serious sleep issues.  I also stay up later than him.  We’re hoping as he loses weight, his snoring will improve.  Otherwise, we’ll be sleeping in separate rooms.  It sucks but we’re both much happier when I’m not prodding him to sleep on his side and I can get some rest.  I read several articles on the subject and there’s a not so insignificant percentage of couples that sleep in separate rooms for all the reasons you and I both stated.

Post # 4
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First (( HUGS )) cause I can see where this is somewhat upsetting to you, and you are worried if this is a sign as to “the state of your union”


BUT in reality, I suggest you read thru your post again.

Maybe make a list of notations on which elements of your “current arrangement” bother him and which ones bother you

I’m guessing that the list is pretty equal in numbers… and disturbing

In so much as it is DISTURBING TO BOTH OF YOU

Clearly from my reading over this, it looks like NEITHER of you are happy right now, or getting a good nights sleep

Sleep is essential to our well being

Technically we all should be getting around 8 Hours a Night… you guys are not… either he’s up or your up trying to make “considerations / compromises” for the other

The result is you both aren’t getting adequate rest

Being sleep deprived is not a good thing… it means not only can you not function at your best in the day time hours when you are at work etc (never mind the horrible stats for Driving & Accidents)

It also means that your body is foregoing the very important benefits that it gets from sleep in regards to keeping diseases at bay

You do this for days, weeks, months, years (4+ in your situation), or decades and something is going to give !!  And not in a good way

Now for the GOOD NEWS

This whole concept of men and women married and sleeping together all the time is something that is relatively new…

History proves out that often the Women would sleep with the Children…

And married couples who had money & influence would sleep in different bed chambers…

This is quite apparent in European Castles, as well as the large homes of the Victorian Era and Gilded Age here in North America

In both cases, the Man & Woman of the home would have adjoining Suites, often seperated by a Sitting Room, Dressing Room, or Bath Room with shared doors (jack & jill style)

Trust me, this didn’t take away from those relationships in any way (witness the large families of the time)

In modern day, a lot of couples don’t sleep in the same bed / bedroom as they age.  As we age our bodies change a lot.  Be it the man snoring, or the woman up with nightsweats etc.  Sleeping patterns change too… usually people needing less sleep, or sleep in small bites (ie maybe a 4 or 5 hour night, and then an afternoon nap… very common with those in their 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond)

This isn’t to say that any of these couples don’t have loving / healthy (including sexual) relationships.  They have just made changes with “loving understanding” for the betterment of their partners / relationship.

So ya, after reading your post, I’d say you guys should maybe consider seperate bedrooms.  You can certainly make each space “your own” and make a point of inviting the other into that space regualarly.

Hope this helps,

PS… Lol, Mr TTR & I are in our 50s & 60s… we are currently daydreaming about our “Retirement House”… just recently we’ve been thinking maybe we too should consider a home with 2 Master Bedroom Suites… so that we could each have a bit of our own space.  Like yourself, I am not 100% sold on the idea as of yet… as our sleep issues are fairly minor at this point in time (shorter list than you have)… and I’m thinking we can address ours maybe by just buying a bigger bed (going from a Queen to a King)… but at the same time, I can see there might be some benefits to having my own space… in so much as we are both Night Owls, me more than him.  I know when I go to bed an hour or more after him, I most certainly disturb his sleep.  And that isn’t fair to him in the long run.


Post # 5
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011


Have you considered placing two beds next to each other in the room, that way you are still close but not as liekly to interfer with each other. My grandparents did this, theirs were right up against each other and they shared a blanket but it was necessary because ym grandfather was a nightowl and him climbing into bed would move my grandmother and wake her if they were on the same matress. The other option, based on the dog being an issue, is to have a slight gap between the beds… My other grandparents did this after my grandfather developed altzheimers and sometimes was a bit violent at night. Perhaps when your routines are more in tune later you could push them together and use a shared blanket?

Hope this works out for you guys..

Post # 7
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@solsticedark:  Is it not possible to put a fan on the bed side table between two beds and face it only in his direction and have the dog only on your bed maybe?

I recognise some couples are happy not sleeping in the same room though so maybe a trial run and buying a sleeper couch for when his son is over?

Post # 8
6665 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Oh heck yeah- sleep in different rooms!  Sleep is too important!

Post # 9
3519 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@solsticedark:  *hug*  Girl, you’re not alone.  DH works nights, and I go to sleep with our dog.  Granted, he’s a Boston Terrier, so he doesn’t really shed, but I can almost perfectly relate to your situation.

Lately, DH has fallen asleep on the couch in the basement, watching TV when he comes home from work.  When I get up and start getting ready, he’ll come upstairs and get into bed.  I used to get upset when this flowed over into the weekend, but then I realized that he’s just doing what’s best for him right now, and we both need our rest.  I know it’s hard, but try not to take it personally and maybe inject your intimacy into other areas like having meals together, talking on the phone more, etc.  

BTW, my parents have separate rooms and it’s apparent why.  My mom’s room is spotless, with a work station in one corner and my dad’s is a wreck with books and papers everywhere.  He snores like a freight train too…

Post # 10
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@This Time Round:  I usually do not disagree with you but today I do. Even when my husband is on shift work, he comes upstairs to our bed. He will move our puppy from his pillow and go to sleep with me. Sometimes I wake up, sometimes I don’t but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I feel that sleeping together is part of an intimate relationship. Otherwise, you are essentially living like roommates and that wouldn’t work for me at all.

Historically women had children when they were 12 too 😛 Times change and I just couldn’t cope with this at all.

@solsticedark: I can totally relate to how you feel. I am perfectly willing to sacrifice a little sleep for intimacy. It doesn’t happen all the time and it is worth it to reach over and know my husband is there. I sleep with an extra blanket to accomodate my husband’s fans and his body is always so warm if I get cold. My husband is on shifts at the moment but I’d never dream of telling him to sleep somewhere else. I hope you guys can work out a compromise.   

Post # 11
3596 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Yeah I wouldn’t be ok with sleeping with the dog in the bed. I think for logistical reasons this makes sense.


I sleep with my husband 60 percent of the time. I am a light sleeper, so when I sleep with him, any little thing he does wakes me up. But I always had issues with sleep, and it sounds like your Hubby does as well.  If I haven’t managed a few hours, I go sleep in the guest room. Is it ideal? NO but give all the things you mentioned it’s better to sleep apart.I rather be a pragmatist then being miserable. 




However if it’s important to you guys, you can work on it a bit more. Or he can sleep with you on days he doesn’t have work like weekends so Friday and Saturday.


For example instead of the fan, using an ac so the room is cool but you don’t have wind blowing in your direction. You guys should try out a Temper Pedic mattress. My parents have one they love it, it doesn’t shift or shake like a normal mattress, although we are on the fence because it isn’t firm. Most people use the tv for the noise, so getting a noise machine, which is more soothing, and doesn’t project lights might be easier.


Anyways you be surprised at the amount of people who have issues sleeping with their partners, so don’t feel like it’s abnormal in the least. Look at this from this perspective, with you guys sleeping well it will be better for your health, and stress levels, so you can enjoy your times together more.


Good luck!




If things change, like the times you work, and you have same sleeping schedules, or if you guys don’t


Post # 12
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

My FI and I do this from time to time whether I’m having problems sleeping and keeping him up or he is snoring and keeping me up.  Sure we both whine when the other leaves the room, but I’m a grouch if I don’t get enough sleep and so is he so its actually better for the health of our relationship if we both get a good nights sleep.

Post # 13
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 1993

@solsticedark:  I would try re-training your dog to sleep outside of the room, and see if the increased space and reduced dog hair/dander is enough to make things more comfortable for your FI.  I saw a show on TV a few years ago where the wife was so attached to sleeping with her dog that the husband slept on the couch.  I know that animals are super wonderful, and my cat sleeps with me and DH regularly.  But if the cat significantly interrupted our sleep, or came between me and my DH, or caused my DH allergy issues, he (the cat) would be sleeping in a nice bed somewhere else in the house.   Don’t choose your dog’s comfort over your FI’s…

My DH and I also have temperature issues, I always have a fan pointed on my side of the bed, and I always sleep au naturel and he is often in a full set of pajamas. 

Not sleeping with your FI will reduce the intimacy and closeness the two of you have.  It just will….and since you’re not even married yet, I really don’t think that’s a good thing.

That said, if you do try moving the dog, and then it still doesn’t help with the sleep, I do know several married couples who sleep separately because of snoring/movement issues. 

Post # 14
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

My grandparents slept in separate rooms for 30+ years and they were married for over 50 years.  Now my dad and stepmom sleep in separate rooms, mainly due to my dad’s snoring, and they have been married for over 10 years.  If my FI and I develop major differences in sleep patterns or one of us snores loud enough to disturb the other (okay, me, I am the snorer!), then we have agreed on separate bedrooms for sleeping.

Post # 15
8387 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

My late FIL and MIL slept in different rooms because of my FIL’s snoring and they were married for 45 years before FIL passed.  My BIL and SIL also sleep in separate rooms for the same reason (luckily I’m a sound sleeper lol).  I bet this arrangement is much more common than you think.

Post # 16
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO @MrsPanda99: lol, true enough… but

1- The OP and her guy is dealing with a lot more than just one or two issues

2- If you had asked me this Question (and my stance on it) 5 or 10 years ago, I would have been no doubt where you are today… NO Frickin’ Way am I sleeping without my Hubby

But as you say times change…

And at our ages … 50s and 60s a lot of things have changed for the two of us health wise… Mr TTR isn’t a huge snorer (not like some of our Family & Friends his age or older)… BUT we do have different sleep patterns as we age, and they are becoming more and more pronounced.

Sure I love to cuddle with my guy… but ultimately I am not worried about us being in a bed together or apart… because our Marriage is so much more… and it is that commitment, understanding, compassion, friendship and wanting the best for the other person that will “keep us close” as we grow old together.  And waaay different than just room-mates.

Ten steps down the hall… isn’t going to make a world of difference.

Altho as I said, one cannot just squirrel away in their own space entirely… it has be a healthy relationship where the idea exists that BOTH Bedrooms are part of the other… so that each person can feel 100% comfortable walking into the other’s space… lol, more like one big giant space, that is shared vs 2 seperate entities.


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