Post # 1
FI and I have almost broken up a couple times in the early days over him snooping. He doesn’t mean to, but ends upsnooping and coming across things that cause a fight. The biggest one was about 6 months into the relationship he was on my computer and ended up going through old emails and realizing that I had been dating a few different guys when I met him. And I just mean dating, playing the field. Meeting guys for drinks all very casual. It hurt him to realize that I didn’t drop every person I knew the moment I met him. However, I was always clear that about two weeks into knowing him I said “I guess I have to stop seeing other guys”. He thought it was a joke until he read those Emails.
Fast forward to tonight. He grabs my iPad to do a crossword. Then comes out of the bedroom and says. I have to tell you something. And it turns out yet again he was snooping. This time he found pics of me in my wedding dress. I was furious. Hurt. I called him a snooping idiot. He got furious that i called him a name and stormed off slamming the bedroom door.
I know it’s just a dress, but I had dress regret and this was my dream dress that I ended up spending too much changing to this dresses. Now he’s seen me in it. For him, he’s angry that I called him an idiot. Last week clowning around I called him a weirdo, now he says I call him names all the time and is playing the hurt card. I apologized for calling him an idiot.
I am so furious and hurt that I feel like he has just ruined the wedding for me. I feel like cancelling it and just getting married at city hall.
Post # 3
I’m gussing you are extrmely pissed off at this moment, because it seems kind of silly and irrerational to cancel your wedding over that. I think once you calm down a bit maybe you guys can address issues around boundaries again! In the meantime perhaps sleeping on the couch is good to give you a little space.
Post # 4
I don’t really think you’re overreacting. I would be upset too. Yes, it’s not really a good idea to call him names but you called him an idiot, big deal. That is not the worst thing in the world.
I don’t think you should change your plans though. I’m sure as soon as he saw what it was, he (hopefully) closed the picture really quick and didn’t take too good of a look at it..and even if he did, it’s not the end of the world. It’s all just tradition. 🙂 20 years from now, you WON’T care that he saw your dress before the wedding day…but you very well might care that you didn’t have the wedding you planned.
Post # 5
To be honest, I think you are overreacting slightly. Obviously it was important to you that he didn’t see you in your wedding dress before the wedding, but I don’t think it’s worth calling off the wedding for. It’s upsetting, definitely, and he shouldn’t have kept looking at photos of you in the dress, knowing that it’s something you wouldn’t want.
Having said that, though, how is he ‘accidentally’ snooping through your stuff? Unless you had these old emails up on the computer, or the photos open on the main screen of the iPad when he started playing it, how did he accidentally find them??
Post # 6
It’s obvious your boy has major trust issues. Whether they are warranted or not, I’m not sure, but this isn’t something that will just go away once you’re married. I think you definitely need to talk to him. He should be able to control himself.
I totally understand why you’re so upset about the dress pictures. That is so disappointing! Try not to let it ruin this experience for you, though. He saw you in your dress, but only in teeny tiny phone pictures. It’ll be a complete different look on the day of, when your hair and makeup is done, and emotions are over-flowing.
Apologize for the idiot remark (to smooth things over) but tell him how upset and sad you are that he ruined a very special surprise with his snooping. Good luck.
Post # 7
The thing about this wedding is that it has become a nightmare. My family have been horrible. I’ve wanted to elope a million times. The only thing I kept focusing on was FI and being his beautiful bride. Now I feel that is ruined. I am supposed to fly across the country to get my dress. I just feel like there is no point spending $1000 to fly across the country get it. I should just have them box it up and FedEit it To me. hts not longer a special Thing.
Post # 8
@xlittlemissbridex: i called him an idiot because he looked through them and told me howbeautiful I was.
Post # 9
@LadyElva: This is the thing that annoys me. The first time I was at his place and had to check my email (pre iPhone ) I work freelance and it’s important I monitor the mails on the weekend. I forgot to sign out. So he helped himself to them after I left
Second time i was out of town for work and he said he was missing me and started googling my email where he came across somethings I had written on an advice forum. Some were poetic and I talked of falling into the arms of a friend, a man I loved and best of all really liked as a friend. He stewed about it for 3 days and cobfronted me. It was him I was talking about, but he thought he read old friend and thought I was cheating. Which I would never do. . Huge fight.
Third time. Google stalking me while out of town on a different triP. he found me on a group I belong to (a club who membership is too high to pay). A suicide bereavement group. Before I met FI I was dating a man who had committed suicide the month before I met FI. The hurt caused me to go serial dating to keep distracted. The ex and I had been living together and I didn’t want to be alone. Anyway on the exes birthday, I am reminded of him and what he did and how I was the last person to see him Alive. And yes sometimes on the anniversary and his birthday I post on those forums. Unless you are part of that club, you can’t understand about the life long scars.
So this time he asked to do he crossword on the iPad and decided to look at pic of me. He does this often of his own computer.
Post # 10
Honestly I think you areoverreacting about him seeing the dress. He won’t remember what it looks like in the long run and you will be gorgeous and bridal the day of.
I do think you have a right to be upset about the invasions of privacy though. It sounds like you set clear boundaries due o past concerns and he sort of ignored that. And it’s a pattern at this point, which needs to be fixed or it will continue to disrupt your lives. Maye when yiu’ve cooled down a big that may need to be addressed again?
Post # 11
I think it’s strange that he googles you and your email address. I would never think oh let’s google FI to see what he’s been up to online. And I don’t think your posts on a message board would be very high on the goog,e search results. It seems like something you would really have to look for.
You shouldn’t have called him an idiot, but he also should be googling you, reading your emails etc.
Post # 12
@MrsTimmy: Ok when I read your first post I was like…. Whoa, slOw down cupcake, take a breath, it will be ok!
Then I kept reading and I get it. I would be fumeing. I don’t think its him seeing the pictures that’s upsetting you ( ok a bit) it’s closer to the seeming lack of trust/ security he has, and the blatant boundry violations he keeps committing. I think on that aspect you are NOT over reacting. The dress is just a symptom of the over all problem. I’m sorry.
Post # 13
Even though I think you may be reacting just a bit, I would also be very upset about my FI seeing me in my dress before our wedding.
But don’t get too upset- he’s a guy. Ask him in a month what it looks like, and he probably won’t remember anything other than ‘white’. 🙂
That being said, i would be EXTREMELY unhappy about him going through my stuff. Like… if my FI just happened to be flipping through my pictures one day? Not a big deal. But if this is an ONGOING issue? I’d probably be really mad just over the fact that he was going through my stuff AGAIN.
The fact that he took it off somewhere to snoop in it while claiming to work on a ‘crossword’ also would really annoy me.
This sounds like a pretty big issue in your relationship. If you guys are doing premarital counseling (honestly it’s a great idea for everyone, even if there aren’t any real ‘issues’ in their relationship) it’s something I’d bring up during a session.
Post # 14
@rachelmichelle: No I believe he was doing the crossword. Weusually take the iPad and do the nyt crosswords together before bedtime. I was painting and noready to sleep.
Oh and we done prematerial counselling. All us good except this.
Post # 15
It would be a good idea for him to see someone about his trust issues and inability to respect boundaries. Googling you isn’t necessarily a problem (I Googled my husband a few months ago and found his HS track scores — aww!), but your husband seems more to be looking for trouble.
Post # 16
i don’t think i’d cancel the wedding over him seeing a pic of you in your dress. the major red flag here is that he obviously has trust issues. googling your email address? who is he, veronica mars? that’s pretty heave. i would be furious. it obviously isn’t something new and it isn’t likely to change.