Post # 1
This past weekend, I got my girls from my wedding party together (MOH, younger sister; BM L, friends for a lonngggg time; BM C, friends for 10 yrs/fmr roommates; and BM N, friends for 10 yrs)…MOH lives an hour away, and BM L lives 6.5 hrs away, others live nearby. For starters, while out for drinks one night, BM L started asking who would have been my MOH if I didn’t have/choose my sister….ummm, what?!?! Then, BM L proceeds to tell BM N, and MOH that she can’t come to my shower (date tbd), only for my girls weekend (a month before the wedding). And, for a kicker, BM L also will be coming out the day before the wedding. Mmmmmkay.
So, here’s the deal….BM L was engaged (to a uber-loser) and they broke up 18 months before their wedding (after being together for like 6 yrs). She now has been with a nice guy for about a year and a half, but I’m not quite sure she’s over the fact that I’m getting married before her…she constantly mentions that she wants to get married and “have babies,” and I have to remind her that her bf isn’t quite ready for that yet, and not to rush things.
Should I be upset that she’s not coming out until the day before the wedding? I had planned (and vocalized) that I would take vaca the week of her wedding (obv before it was canceled), and am bummed she won’t be here to spend that time with me/help keep me sane. Also, am I being a total b* by being offended that she told other girls in the wedding party before telling me that she wouldn’t be coming to my shower?! You only get married once, and 6.5 hr drive or no, I feel that she should at least make an attempt to be there!
Sorry for the rant, and thanks in advance for your thoughts! 🙂
Post # 3
You’re 1000% overreacting. None of my bridesmaids are coming until the day before the wedding. As a BM I’ve never been expected to come any earlier than that. And if she can’t come to your shower she can’t come to your shower. She probably told the others first because they are involved in planning it and needed to know. At least she gave you warning ahead of time. She’s still coming to your girls weekend so that’s something. The MOH comment was a bit weird but it was just a dumb comment.
Post # 4
She lives 6.5 hours and she’s coming out on Friday? Sounds reasonable to me. I think a whole week of vacation is overkill, personally. Doesn’t she work?! Unless I was MOH, I would not be taking more than a full day’s worth of vacation. It’d be nice if she could make the drive, but maybe she has work and stuff going on? And I wouldn’t take it personally that she said she couldn’t make the shower–maybe the other girls mentioned it to her and she mentioned she couldn’t make it right then and there.
Post # 5
Ok, sorry, for clarification, she’s in grad school, and teaches some (yoga) classes very pt. As for the drive part, I totally get that it’s 6.5 hours, but girl goes to visit friends in other states w/comparable distances, so it’s not like it’s out of the ordinary. She had also originally told me that she would be there for me the whole week of the wedding since it’s in the summer, and school’s not in session.
I probably am overracting, but the whole weekend was weird, and she was very distant and not like herself, and these things, as little as they seem, have really been wearing on me all week. 🙁
Post # 6
Maybe wait a couple weeks and see if she changes her day on when she’s coming to visit. If you say she was acting kinda weird all weekend and distant, maybe she’s just bumming hardcore or something and will come to her senses. Give her a few weeks to get out of her funk.
Post # 7
I do think it is too much to expect someone to come out for a whole week before your wedding. I mean really things should be pretty much completed and ready to go.
As far as her behavior at the shower maybe she is having a hard time. After ending a serious relationship and seeing someone go through the things that you planned to be going through would be a little tough on anyone. As long as she didn’t mope and cause a big scene, cut her a little slack.
Post # 8
I agree with everyone else–I think a day before is plenty in terms of commitment, and although it’s a bummer about the shower, I would have told the other maids first too, since they were likely planning everything.
It is hard to see a friend going through a rough time, but maybe it was just a passing funk.
Post # 9
I agree with the other girls too. I’m not even taking a whole week off for my wedding (including honeymoon), and would never expect anyone in the wedding party to take a week off for it either. I am getting married on a Saturday and am only taking the Friday before off and the following Monday-Wednesday. This is all due to how much vacation time I am given at work, but even if I had more time, I wouldn’t expect any of my bridesmaids to take an entire week’s worth of vacation time for my wedding.
That was an odd comment though, but I’m sure it was just an off comment and she didn’t mean anything by it. It is too bad she is acting distant… I would wait maybe until after the wedding to look at the friendship- it could just be a passing thing.
Post # 10
I understand being upste about it and only you know if she is acting strange or not… but… I wouldn’t take offense to her not coming earlier than the day before. Her saying she can’t come to the shower–when the date has yet to be determined is a little odd though– how does she know she won’t be able to come if the date has yet to be set??
breathe in and breathe out– you are going to have things stress you out while planning your wedding– how you react is your choice.
Post # 11
How can you seriously expect your girls to come out there a week before the wedding?? Hello! people have jobs and lives and if she’s in grad school, even on breaks your busting your butt with school work. Grad students don’t get true breaks from things. And you shouldn’t be involved with the shower at all – it is something that is thrown for you. you’re way overreacting.
Post # 12
I am driving up to VA the Weds before my little sister’s Saturday wedding. Only because in addition to being the MOH….I am planning the wedding and have some last minute things that I will need to do. Even our family isn’t coming until the day before and my brother is a GM, his daughter is FG and his son is RB. As long as she is there for the wedding rehearsal I would say that she has fulfilled her duties.
Post # 13
I’m with the other bees in that I think you need to give your friend a break. I’ve never gone to a wedding that I was a bridesmaid in more than a day beforehand except for my brother’s wedding. And only b/c it was family and I wanted to help out. I know she said that she would be there for you a week before, but cut her a break. She obviously thought that she was going to be getting married before you, and it might just be a tough ego pill to swallow for her to see you getting married before her. I know it’s a bit selfish on her part, but I don’t think you have the right to be this upset over her coming the day before the wedding. Being in grad school, she probably has a lot of stuff going on.
Post # 14
Maybe she can’t afford to be there for the whole week? Maybe she doesn’t want to crash with you the whole week and can’t afford a hotel room? I get why you were upset (since she said that she could come originally) but at this point I would try to be positive that she has agreed to come the day before. Also don’t worry about the shower thing. If the other girls were trying to task her for the shower, she needed to let them know asap she couldn’t be there. (Since the date is tbd, again, I’m thinking it’s financial?)
Post # 15
Okay, thanks for those of you that are being supportive, and helping me to realize that her intentions aren’t necessarily the way that I had originally taken them.
For everyone that is beating down on the fact that I should cut her a break, I get it, but I think that I’m just frustrated that she clearly said that she was going to spend the week here (and by here, I mean the Boston/NH area, which is where her family also lives), and now she is not. I had been looking forward to having one of my closest friends, that I have experienced so much with in my life, being here for the lead-up to one of the most important times in my life. Call me selfish, but I was looking forward to the time that we would be spending together this week…and I’m fully expecting to have minimal “wedding” things to do in the days leading up. This was more about me and one of my best friends getting together before I am a married woman. I have not seen her much in the last few years because she lives several hours away, and any extended time that we get together is invaluable to me.
Aside from that, the comments she made were off, and probably not related entirely to how I was feeling….I was just wondering, out loud through this post, if maybe they were related….meaning, is she jealous of my sister for being my MOH? Is that why she’s not coming until the day before the wedding? Or why she’s not coming to the shower? That’s all. Not being selfish, just wondering what is going on in her head, without first talking to her about it.
Again, thanks for your words! 🙂