Slighted by in laws

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

It sounds like she has issues, although heaven knows where they come from or what they actually amount to. Either way, I would just not include her in any wedding planning, do not do something expressly because you think it might land you in her good graces, and just treat her as a regular guest. Disinviting her would probably be going too far unless your fiance brings it up.

Throw your own engagement party for your family and friends. Invite them, and let them see how much the people in your life love you and are excited for you. Otherwise, ignore her. She probably derives pleasure from getting a rise out of you, so don’t let her have that.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 5
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

From what I read, it seems like everything your MIL does rubs you the wrong way, even when she tries to be nice. And I would bet that she is somewhat aware of it, from your facial expressions and body language, even if you don’t say anything. So she is probably a bit hesitant and standoffish around you. I would be.

This is what I am reading in your post:

She threw a party to celebrate your engagement. Nothing about your post shows any gratitude for this. She says something nice and you complain. You’re already complaining about her treating your unborn children unfairly. You are ready to disinvite her to the wedding because she has a closer relationship with your FBIL’s GF. It is YOU who sounds unreasonable and cold.

I strongly suggest you work on building a genuine relationship with her without being critical of her every move, for the sake of your own marriage.

Post # 6
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

@KitKatNYC:  +1 unless there are major details you’re omitting.  

Post # 7
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

You have what … a year and a half until you get married.  If you start picking everything apart now, you’re going to have a stroke by the time the wedding rolls around.  I think you should just chill out, thank her for the party, and realize that neither one of you are perfect.  she’s going to make mistakes and so are you, because you’re both human.  Maybe you two just need to go to lunch and not not to discuss all the issues, but to start to build memories, to bond. She’s going to be around forever and it would seriously get tiresome to always look for how she is slighting you every time you see her. 

Post # 8
1881 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Goodness, no you can’t no invite your FMIL because she likes fbils gf more than you! Maybe she does slight you, maybe she’s not the biggest fan of yours (who knows – maybe she’s a bizzatch or maybe you’re super sensitive). But how about you make an effort to be closer to her and try to not offend as easily.

Post # 9
1881 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

And how long have the brother and the gf been together? Don’t have her as a bridesmaid. I say this mostly because you wony

be able to handle it. And you certainly don’t NEED to have someone from the grooms side in your wedding. Esp considering she isn’t even family.

Post # 10
536 posts
Busy bee

First and foremost, welcome to the Hive!

I’m kind of surprised at all the comments indicating the OP is the problem.  Honestly, I think throwing a surprise engagement party but not making any effort to include the brides family and friends is kind of thoughtless and rude.  But if you are going to do it, the least you can do is make the engagement party about the engaged couple, which it sounds like the FMIL definitely did not do. Let’s be honest people, we all know when we are being slighted and it sounds like the OP has some legitimate concerns.  The fact that FMIL didn’t deny her behavior when FI brought it up, but instead talked about not being involved in the wedding planning is proof that there WAS some intentional slighting going on. 

I do, however, agree with PPs that it’s too soon to start talking about uninviting her to your wedding. To me, not having the FMIL at the wedding is something that should be reserved for very extreme cases, which I don’t think this qualifies as.  I don’t know what kind of efforts you’ve made to build a relationship with your mother in law.  But perhaps if you do find other ways to include her in the planning process, do lunch with her, other small things, you can both move past this.  


Post # 11
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

@spezia:  +1 to everything.

FMIL is rude to you. This is FI’s problem to deal with at this point. Of course you can’t NOT invite her to the wedding, though! Come on!

You’re going to have to take the high road with this woman. I know it will be lame if she continues this behavior when you have children, but that’s a hypothetical. Your FI is REAL and NOW. Focus on your love for him and suck up the lamesness of his mother. Hopefully he can deal with her.


Post # 12
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@okaashi:  I’m really sorry that you aren’t feeling the love from your FMIL. That’s got to be frustrating. But I think it would be a huge over-reaction to disinvite her to your wedding.

From your post I don’t really see anything truly bad that she’s done. She threw you an engagement party, which is increadibly nice of her. Generally, enagement parties are not throw by the couple, they’re thrown by the parents, so I think this is a really sweet gesture from you that shows that she is trying to welcome you to the family.

As for you being slighted during the party, I think you’re reading more into it than is really there. She was hosting a party, which can be difficult, so I wouldn’t begrudge her that she didn’t spend a ton of time talking with you. There isn’t much in your post about rude things that she actually did, it more so seems that you’re upset that she didn’t give you more attention. Which I can understand, but likely wasn’t intentional on her part and isn’t nearly as bad as actually being rude. 

Honestly, it sounds like you’re jealous of your brother’s girlfriend. And maybe your FMIL really does like her better. Probably because your FMIL can tell that you don’t like her very much. But that’s not the end of the world. Your mother in law is being nice to you (aka throwing you an engagement party), so don’t feel that you need to turn your relationship with her into a competition with your FBIL’s girlfriend. Relationships (and weddings) should not be a competition. If you don’t want the girlfriend to be a bridesmaid, that is completely up to you. But please be nice to her and don’t be mad that she gets along with FMIL. Their relationship has nothing to do with yours. 

If you want to have a better relationship with your FMIL, try inviting her for lunch or dinner. You should absolutely send her a card thanking her for throwing you an engagement party. And try not to spend all your time looking for ways that she’s slighting you or not giving you the attention you feel you deserve. Instead focus on the nice things that she’s doing. Ask her how she’s doing. Work on the real relationship. And don’t go projecting every insecurity that you have about the relationship onto her. You can’t know how she’s going to treat your children, I’m sure she’ll adore them. But if you disinvite her to the wedding, I can guarantee that will be a huge injury to the relationship that may, very well, affect her relationship with your children. 

So take a deep breath. Shake off your feelings of being slighted. Thank you FMIL for hosting an engagement party. And move forward with both planning your wedding and building a relationship with your new ILs. The relationship with your ILs may not turn out exactly as you would like, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be a good relationship. Take what you can get and don’t sweat it if you never turn out to be BFFs with your new FMIL. 

Post # 14
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@okaashi:  i think it was incredibly rude of her to not include your family and friends. Did she have a reason? The other things I think you need to let go. You can’t get along with everybody and some people just rub each other the wrong way!

After reading your update about her going to your house and throwing out your belongings it’s a different story! That is unacceptable and  I would be changing the locks!

Post # 15
983 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Okay you really are overreacting to consider not inviting your MOTHER IN LAW to the wedding. She is the mother of the groom. Unless she does some earth shattering rude things to you BOTH, there should be no thought to uninvite her. PLUS you JUST got engaged. I’d say you are getting a bit ahead of yourself. So take a second to reevaluate that.

Secondly, maybe it is unfair to put this all on your MIL. Perhaps she did or said something early in that rubbed you the wrong way and now you are just hyper aware and overly sensitive. She may have glanced your way when the comments were made about your mom liking your FI better, but maybe she did not hear the whole conversation or what you said which is why she responded when the GF said it. I say give her the benefit of doubt in most situations. TRUST ME it is easier to get along with your MIL/ignore her than it is to fight with her.

Post # 16
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

With the hot & cold attitude towards both you and FBIL’s girlfriend, it seems like she is playing some kind of power game.  The best thing you can do is disengage.  

Lower your expectations for her and expect to have a polite relationship with her, nothing more.  That way you wont be disappointed when she doesnt do more.  Let your FI handle most of the interactions that have to happen with her throughout the wedding process.  Focus that energy on developing relationships with any others in his family that are more welcoming (his aunt?).  She cant hurt you if you have no expectations of her.  

If she later comes back and decides to be nice again (highly likely based on the past behavior you described) enjoy it while it lasts and dont be surprised when it stops again.

Kudos to your parents for being so welcoming! Let them know how awesome they are.

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