- Ms. Kangaroo
- 9 years ago
- Wedding: July 2009
I think you are right that Swiss shouldn’t pay for the party. She’s already making a huge time and money commitment just to come to the wedding. If I were you, I would just call local bridesmaid and just say, really tactfully, 1) Thank you so much for throwing a shower for me 2) I know these things are expensive and time consuming, 3) Swiss is really sorry she can’t make it in for the shower, 4) She’s making a big time/money commitment to come to the wedding, 5) Let me know if you need my financial help (they’ll decline don’t worry), but let’s not ask Swiss, I just don’t feel right about it. If she gets bent out of shape about your sister telling you, just be honest. Just say she brought it up in passing and you wanted to clear up any confusion. She’s your sister so I don’t think Local really can be mad that you guys tell eachother things (esp. about the shower!)
I completely agree with chicagowife! This is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard!!!! Of course swiss shouldn’t pay, do exactly what chicagowife suggested by asking if they need financial assistance with things. Thank goodness your sister told you before some serious damage was done.
I don’t know how to answer your second question exept for being blunt, but for the first, no the Swiss BM on a limited income should not have to contribute anything to a party she is not going to. The other 2 can throw a party they can afford, it can be done. Good luck! I’m sorry you’re facing this mini drama!
I think that is ridiculous they are asking the BM that won’t be there to pay. I was a recent BM and I’m speaking from experience…. I lived 5 hours away from the bride and going to grad school… so when the other BMs and the SIL threw her a bachelorette party and wedding shower, they did not ask me for any money. Of course I got the invite and of course I would have contributed if I was there, but I was not able to make it. By the time her wedding came around, I had moved to another state. For her wedding, me and the BF had to fly in, which was a $300 roundtrip flights EACH (a lot of money for a student/jobless being). I say you just tell them straight up without being rude that you don’t think the third BM should pay and that’s not why you asked her to be one of her BMs.
Definitely not. I was a BM in three weddings (on the other side of the country) while a PhD student. All three brides explicitly told me that they knew how expensive the flights, hotels, etc. were and they did not in any way expect me to fly out for an extra weekend for either a shower or bachelorette party. I wanted to chip in for gifts from the bridal party for the couple, but the idea of my paying for additional parties I didn’t attend never even came up. And even being a domestic, LD bridesmaid was a challenge as a PhD student…I started saving 6 mos in advance.
Since the BM in question contacted your sister rather than another friend, I think it’s okay to have your sister tell her directly that she feels it’s not right. She doesn’t even have to mention that you know about it. Since your sister and FSIL are the ones paying, she can also just directly say that it’s not necessary b/c they will be paying for everything.
Honestly, the part about all this that I find strange is that Local BM told your sister what to do about the financial aspect of the shower. Did I read correctly that this shower is being thrown for you by your sister and your future sisters in law?? I’m guessing that means they are doing the bulk of the spending and have perhaps asked Local BM to contribute. It seems entirely strange that she would tell your sister the terms of who should contribute financially to the event, even if she has been helping source vendors and plan the party in some ways.
I’m wondering if one of the party hosts brought up the matter of financially contributing to Local BM first, and she responded by requesting that Swiss BM should be contributing too (which I disagree with of course). Maybe Local BM is resenting helping, or maybe she’s concerned about the costs associated with being a BM, but either way, making requests of other people to off-set her own feelings wouldn’t be a mature course of action anyway.
If I were your sister I would respond by asking Local BM to please not set guidelines for how others should and shouldn’t spend their money and to instead just be straightforward with everyone about how she wants to spend her own. A fabulous party can be planned accordingly.
I also don’t think that Swiss BM should have to pay for a shower that she won’t be able to attend. I don’t think your sister even needs to mention that she consulted you. Just have her tell Local BM that she doesn’t think it’s necessary to ask Swiss BM to contribute financially since she won’t be attending. If local BM balks at this, then have sister refer her to you.
Swiss BM does not need to contribute! Three of my bridesmaids live abroad, in countries where showers aren’t even traditions! When the local BMs were wondering how to handle the shower, I spoke up (a bit rude, but they were going over all the planning details with me, including the financing of the shower) and said that I didn’t want abroad BMs to even be approached about helping to pay for something they not only wont be able to be a part of, and for that matter a tradition they’d had never heard of!
As far as paying for the bachelorette, that usually falls on the shoulders of everyone who attends (i.e. all the girls chip in for limo, dinner, whatever you do), with perhaps the organizers picking up a bit extra, or plan a seperate gift/surprise. So of course Swiss BM should not be expected to help out with that either.
I second what all the other girls have said- ask your sister to explain to local BM that they are hosting the shower (that’s how I read it, right?), they only need her to do some scouting that they cannot, and they don’t feel it’s reasonable to ask someone who cannot even be a guest to contribute.
I think it’s a shame that you had to hear any of it. Which goes to say that I believe she shouldn’t have to contribute. She cannot make it to either event so why would she pay? Two of my bridesmaids are my future stepdaughters who are under 15…do I or my maid of honor or mom think they should have to pay anything? UM NO! But I hope you can settle this with everyone and have a wonderful shower and party. Good luck! 🙂
You’re absolutely right–Swiss BM should not have to pay for parties that she will not be attending. The other BM should understand her situation and not make such a big deal about it. Swiss BM will already be spending LOADS of money flying over for your big day; making her contribute to parties she can’t attend is silly. Let your other BM know that though you appreciate their hardwork and planning, you feel that it is not right to make someone help pay for it if they are unable to attend. Your BM are people whom you have chosen to stand by you on the biggest day of your life–they should be able to stand by you in this decision as well.
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