Post # 1
I’ll be getting married in about a year (still in the process of figuring out budget/venue/wedding day/ etc) and currently I’m still finishing up college. My FI and I will both be just out of college on our wedding day, so we won’t have much money, especially since my FI’s parents will not be contributing much to our wedding (they don’t really believe in spending money on things but i wont get into that)
Because of this, I want to limit our small wedding to close friends and family (since FI and I will have to be paying for this wedding ourselves, and weddings are expensive!)
I used to live in Canada but moved to USA about 5 years ago, so currently, most of my good friends are from the area. However, out-of-country friends who will be coming to our weddings are all either 1) single or 2) not in serious relationships or planning on getting engaged. I want to limit guest’s guests to ONLY 1) married 2) engaged 3) living together/serious, 4) we wouldve invited anyway because we’re friends with the couple. Many of my friends have boyfriends whom i have never met/are not friends with.
I’d prefer to not pay for guests who i do not know/would not invite otherwise to our special day.
However, I’m afraid that friends will refuse to come, if they are not allowed to bring their “current boyfriend/girlfriend”, because i’ve read some threads on here where some people are offended or do not want to travel/be away from their boyfriends. What should i do? Have you bees have experiences with this? I definitely do not want people i don’t know at my wedding (mostly money issues) but i’ll also be kinda upset if my girlfriends refuse to show up because of it!
ALSO—how do you tell people that their boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t invited, if they assume that you’ll invite this gf/bf??
Post # 3
Almost all of the boyfriends/girlfriends I’ve never even met, because i havent seen my Canadian friends in over 3 years, but still want them there..
Post # 4
@MrsBtoBe14: Oooh this is tricky. I don’t think you should only allow for +1s who are spouses or “serious” partners because people will have different ideas of what they consider to be a close romantic relationship. I’d either do no +1s for anyone or try to downsize your guest list to allow +1s. Plus if your Canada friends know each other, they shouldn’t have a problem rooming with each other for hotel and whatnot. My SO’s cousin didn’t allow +1s and I wasn’t offended. It’s understandable that people have budget constraints and/or a venue might have a very limited capacity (like where my SO’s cousin had her wedding).
Post # 5
@Jewelieee: Exactly, my Canadian girlfriends are all part of my “friend group” so i’m sure they could travel together, but they’d still prefer to bring guys instead.. How do i tell them, basically, that they can’t just assume they can bring a boyfriend? (in nicer wording of course!)
Post # 6
@MrsBtoBe14: How close are you to the people back in Canada? Also, how many are you planning on inviting? If it’s less than 10, can’t you just evaluate on a case-by-case basis?
I don’t see anything wrong with your logic… like if it’s not a serious relationship, don’t invite the +1s… but it can be a bit tricky. Like you’re going to ask “are you two co-habitiating? If not, he’s not invited”.. that’s a bit awkward.
I think you might have to bite the bullet and let them bring the +1s.. it’s like you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. If it was a local wedding then fair enough.. but if you think about it, you’re not only asking them to travel, you’re telling them who they can travel with. It might not go over too well.
As you say, you don’t know their SOs because it’s been a few years.. so how can you make the call?
I’d either not invite them or give them the +1 option. Surely if they’re truly close friends, you don’t have THAT many of them, and you want them to be comfortable since they have to go a long way and spend a fair amount of money to go to your wedding.
Post # 7
Of course they will because guests seem to get upset over everything. However it’s your wedding and if they do get upset about it and don’t talk it over maturely with you then do they really deserve to be part of your day, when you’re trying hard to accomodate for everyone on a budget?
Post # 8
If I had to travel locally (For me, Local is a 45 minute one-way drive), I would not be offended if I was not allowed a +1.
If I had to fly/travel, I absolutely wouldn’t go if I didn’t have the ability to bring my SO. I would not be offended — I simply wouldn’t go. I would send you my best, send a gift and leave it at that.
Post # 10
I do understand the pp’s who would bring their FI’s/husbands, however i’m talking about a group of girls (all friends) who would like to bring their current (not long term, or serious) boyfriends!
and in response to
@canarydiamond: thanks for the advice! i used to pretty close friends with them in high school, but havent been close with them for a few years now. im still in contact with them through skype/facebook, so they’ve told me about how serious their relationships are.
Post # 11
For starters, I think it is impossible for someone else to gauge how serious a relationship is. Someone who has been together for 6 months could be more serious than someone who has been in a relationship for 5 years. My point is, peoplecan judge their own relationships differently than others might.
Therefore, if you’re only planning on inviting married, engaged, serious relationships (unless otherwise stated) then why not ASK your friends how serious they are in their relationships? I mean, if you’re close to these girls/guys, I would ask them how serious their relationships are. If they say “not serious” then let them know that their current SO will not be invited. If they say they are serious, then invite their SO. Do not try and make your own calls on this if you’re worried about offending people or people not coming because their SOs are not invited.
Personally I would not go to a wedding where my SO was not invited, even if it were just down the street. I wouldn’t be offended, I just wouldn’t want to go without him. However, if I were in a non-serious relationship, I would likely go even if he weren’t invited. In my mind, if I’m not serious about a guy, I would be very uncomfortable going to a wedding with him. If I were serious about the guy, I wouldn’t want to go to a wedding where he was not invited.
Post # 12
I think since you are asking them to travel for your wedding the least you can do is let them bring a date. I wouldn’t travel solo unless you were a really close friend. What are you friends going to think when they see that other people were allowed dates but they weren’t?
Also, how do you define serious? Some people are serious right away, like within a few weeks of dating. Others don’t consider themselves in a serious relationship until after 6 months.
Post # 13
@Thorns-n-Roses: Thanks! And yes i have talked to them all about their relationships, and they have basically all said they’re just dating and not that seriously (i’ve had a close friend literally say to me “i dont think illl ever marry her, if i ever get married”) —so it’s not me guaging the seriousness. I just dont think i should have to pay for an SO that they have told me they are just casually dating!
@RunsWithBears: Thanks, good point.
Post # 14
My best friend has a very large family who are all close. She told her cousin’s that their SOs were invited to the dance but not to the ceremony or dinner (except for married/living together cousins who brought their partners). One of them refused to come without her boyfriend but most were understanding.
Post # 15
You need a hard a fast rule that is clear across all the guests. Otherwise, people will think “how come so and so could bring his gf?” etc. Like @Thorns-n-Roses: said, it’s hard to tell how serious someone is.
For our wedding, my dating friends were not allotted +1s at all. We only had engaged or married couples. A few of my friends had serious bfs but they were gracious enough to understand where I was coming from, and was more than happy to attend our wedding to celebrate with us.
It sounds like your friends who are insisting on bringing a guest don’t have a clue as to how expensive weddings are! If they had an inkling, they might understand!
Post # 16
@delicious: I would really prefer to do what you did, and just have married/engaged couples. How did you phrase this to your friends, and were they upset?