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We were supposed to elope, but then word got out. We're sending out 24 invitations to our Vegas wedding. We won't be hosting a reception, but will be inviting those interested to join us for dnner. The biggest reason? Money. We're saving for a house, and didn't want to spend the money. Also, he's a teacher, and didn't want folks recently laid off to spend the money.
We're pretty far out, but I thought I'd still respond. I really want to have a small event, but this is apparently "just not possible". So as a compromise, the wedding will include only our immediate families, grandparents, and best friends. The reception will include about 100 people. We too didn't want all the attention that comes with a big wedding, nor do we care to share such an important event with people that aren't close to us. BUT...there was a lot of protest already about not including everyone so that's why we gave in with the reception. I'm going to rely on my future-in-laws mostly to deal with their family discontents and mine could probably care less.
My advice is that if your in-laws and parents understand (ours do thank goodness), ask them to help deal with those that want to criticize your choice.
I wish I would have gone with my instincts and done the small wedding thing- I'm jealous of brides who have these intimate affairs.
We kept ours small (under 50) mainly because a lot of his family couldn't make it (airfare costs). I could easily have had over 200 with my extended family and friends, but we didn't really want that big a party, and I also thought it would be rather unfair that he would have half a dozen of his people, and the rest would be mine!
We limited it to immediate family, my very closest friends, and some extended family that I am particularly close to. I suppose there might be a few noses out of joint among my innumerable first cousins, but it was either stay under 50 or go over 200, because of that whole, "well if you invite X, you have to invite Y & Z" thing.
We're having a small ceremony, 30 people. I get really bad migraines, just did a post about it, and I wanted to keep my stress load as little as possible, which will be hard because I get high anxiety when it comes to being in front of people. We're having a dinner after for about 100 people, mainly because FI wanted to be able to celebrate with family and friends. We had a few family members upset that they couldn't come to the ceremony, my aunt hung up on my mom when she told her! But when we explain our situation and reasons behind it they all seem to understand. I try not to let it bother me because it's our wedding and we're keeping it small for a good reason. If they don't understand and support me than too bad, I'm not going to give myself a migraine over it!
@ Bamboo: Thanks, that makes sense to have the parents field questions. I am mostly worried because my Dad's family is fairly close-knit and due to the fact that my family hasn't been as supportive all the time as I would hope, I am a little worried about their reaction. I've dropped comments and they haven't said anything negative though.
@Fontgoddess: I'm glad to hear it seems to have worked out well for you. Our families are similarly unbalanced. My extended family is tiny because my Mom is an only child.
@Maureen: I hope it turns out well. We plan to pay for it all ourselves too, which is another reason to keep things modest.
@Karma: Did people react well to your compromise? I'm sorry that you had to change your plans and I hope it ends up being a good experience.
@artbee: I think it's sad people are reacting badly when you have such a good reason for wanting to keep your stress level low. I think people sometimes have a really hard time putting themselves in other people's shoes when it comes to a chronic illness. It's too bad because their pain-in-the-butt attitudes don't help with the physical pain I'll bet.
We are having a small wedding. We have huge families, so it was either 200+ or 20. We opted for the 20, since we are planning to build a home this Fall. It was a tough call because we are both very close with our families, but we had to find a "clean breaking point" for our guest list, and for us it was aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. My mom has been wonderful in extending to her brothers and sisters that "they would love to have everyone, but are saving up for a house...." so that has helped. FH's mom - not so much. She just makes comments like "don't expect to invite these people to a shower for gifts if you aren't inviting them to your wedding." - bummer!
So, we have parents, grandparents, siblings, and my 2 nephews attending our wedding. Some aunts and uncles are upset, but most understand and are happy for us (but of course would love to share our day)! We would have loved to have a few friends, but some of the aunts and uncles would take offense to it - so we decided to play it safe and keep everyone happy. We are celebrating with friends (and the rest of the family) at other times. My side had a shower for us with gifts a couple of weeks ago, and FH's parents are having a post-wedding party for his side to celebrate with us the weekend after.
We aren't having a traditional bridal party, either. Our mom's will sign as our witnesses, and light our unity tapers. My 10 year old nephew will walk me down the aisle, and that's it! We will stand up on the (small) altar ourselves with the Pastor. Most of the traditions we are following are the same, just on a smaller scale. A photographer, decorations, centerpieces, bouquet/boutonniere (wrist corsages for the mothers and a bout for my nephew). We are having music, but DIY'ing with an iPod or laptop.
We're having a small wedding as well (35 people). In retrospect I may have invited a few more and I sort of feel bad about it, but with only a few more days to go there's nothing I can do about it. Like Bamboo said, my mom is fielding any questions or concerns people may have about not being invited and almost everyone understands.
We had a small wedding and I echo a lot of the comments you've already heard. We invited about 60 and had 32 guests. This was to be expected because we're from different areas of the country, so travel was going to pose a problem no matter where we held the wedding.
There were a couple of people there I could have done without, but it was about compromise even at that point. It was important to me to have a small wedding with those people who were close to both of us as a couple and supported our decision to marry. The wedding was really a wonderful time for all of us and we were able to spend time with each guest.
About the only person who hasn't been totally supportive of this has been my MIL who is a really social, fun, outgoing person who has a lot of friendly acquaintances. She wants to have a reception for us in my hubby's hometown. We'll have to see how this turns out -- I feel like (and have told her!) that it feels like she's saying the wedding I worked so hard to plan wasn't good enough. She wants to show me off to all her friends who my husband hasn't seen in years, and I guess that's not a bad thing. I'm such a private person, though, that I'd prefer to meet them under other circumstances.
we had 40 guests - our immediate families and close friends. it was beautiful because we kept everything personalized for our guests, and we really shared the day with those who really mattered to us.
the result was an amazing atmosphere, with a tangible sense of love & goodwill in the air!
we wanted to make the wedding more meaningful and more enjoyable (eg better food, more time for us to properly mingle with those who matter), so we kept it small. costs were a secondary factor, because, with the same budget, we could've had 100 guests instead of 40, but with like, a buffet line instead of sit-down french food.
i think most people understand when you say it's only immediate family, only XX no. of guests. good luck!
We're having a small wedding (under 20 guests). Because we're a same-sex couple, we're having to get married quite far from where we live. We therefore just invited immediate family and a few close friends to the wedding, and will have a bigger reception for our friends when we get home.
We are having a smallish wedding with a strict fire code of 100 people including staff, I hope to come in with 80 guests. We have agreed to invite about a 100 people and hope to have a 20% No. I know this sounds horrible to hope people can't come but we are already cutting at close family and friends. Also, almost all guests will need to travel to some extent (destination at home) with quite a few needing to fly over 7 hours so we don't expect everyone to be able to do that. We are talking to people before sending out invitations. Some friends have already told us they plan to be expecting or unable to travel for financial or other reasons and we understand that. Both sets of parents have been understanding of the capacity limit. Yes, we could move to a larger venue but we both LOVE this place as it is in the neighborhood where we met and neither of us really want a larger wedding. I think his family is a bit more understanding since his cousin only invited cousins and not aunts and uncles to her wedding last year, at least I hope they will understand since we are not planning to invite all of his aunts and uncles.
I'm glad having a smaller wedding seems to have worked out so well for everyone. Thanks for helping to alleviate my fears. I don't want an enormous party, but I don't want to upset people either.
Small wedding here -- maybe 20 people total. We could have gotten married in CA where we are from and had a pretty big wedding. We could have gotten married in MA and invited some family, a few friends, work people, friends of friends. But we opted for a small few important friends and some family wedding in RI. Its on a priviate island. I like to think of it as a small Celeb type of wedding with an exclusive guest list. ;)
Small wedding here -- maybe 20 people total. We could have gotten married in CA where we are from and had a pretty big wedding. We could have gotten married in MA and invited some family, a few friends, work people, friends of friends. But we opted for a small few important friends and some family wedding in RI. Its on a priviate island. I like to think of it as a small Celeb type of wedding with an exclusive guest list. ;)
ONash- Everyone is very happy with our decision! FI is a teacher, and with so many layoffs right now, we didn't want to invite people who would put themselves in financial hardship to try and make it. One friend will be hosting a small gtg upon our return, so they can celebrate with us without the expense of travel.
Extened family and friends will be getting announcements. Once we reached a point where we decided to do invitations (more for fun than necessity), we kept it small by limiting it to people that we would invite over to dinner; 24 invites will be going out, with an expected guest list of 15.
It keeps our cost down; even though people are coming, we will not be hosting a reception, (we never planned or budgeted for that) but will encourge our guests to join us for dinner after the ceremony. We are making it very clear that there is not a reception, so there are no misunderstandings. Mostly people needed an excuse to go to Vegas, and we're happy to provide that. We are having some traditional elements- I made small favors, and we'll have a small cake.
Nice, I'm glad it's working out so well. It sounds like a lot of fun and I am with you on all the layoffs. It's good to hear so many people are planning small weddings with so much support from their family/friends. That's so nice of your friend to plan a gathering everyone can attend too.
We are having a small wedding 52 ppl to be exact! We are doing it because we only want to have ppl that are close to us at the wedding! It will only be immediate family and close friends and their guests. FH and I each get 13 guests each and with their guests it makes 52.
We wanted to do this because we want to enjoy our day and spend it with ppl we care about not strangers. I am going to be the first one on the dance floor and the last one off - I don't want to spend my day talking and socializing with my parents friends and strangers!
If people are upset I just tell them why we chose to do what we did and if they do not understand - they don't really know or get me and therefore shouldn't be there anyway!
You have to be OK with your choice and be confident about it and nobody will say anything about it!
Thanks, I agree that confidence and a careful explanation are good ways of showing that I am making this choice for a reason and that I'm not doing it to hurt anyone's feelings.
I've written multiple posts on this subject. Check 'em out if you want to.
http://www.weddingbee.com/2009/04/17/taking-our-wedding-into-our-own-hands/
http://www.weddingbee.com/2009/04/28/trimming-no-slashing-the-guest-list/
Although my wedding won't be that small, it won't be as big as my dad wants it to be. Fortunately, mom has no trouble telling people that it's my fault--I picked a venue with a small limit. Her friends have been understanding, I have no trouble taking the "fall" for it. When I complied the list, I put all of my extended family (I'm closer to some of my dad's cousins and their families than I am to my first cousins). And, with almost all of my cousins on Facebook, I didn't feel as awkward about including them on my list. In fact, one cousin, who has kept her distance from the family over the years, has been very supportive through Facebook and I'm happy to include her.
All that being said, since it's FI's second wedding (my first) and his parents (and their siblings) live in another state, his family doesn't have too many to add to the list.
And, since we didn't want some of our friends (this is going to sound weird) that we see several times a week & know their first (but not last names--they're "running" friends that we see as we do our workouts) to be obligated to attend a wedding and since we want to celebrate with them, we're going to have a causal run and invite our running community to join in breakfast tacos & mimosas with us.
When I was in my 30s, I was invited to tons of weddings--and I feel that most of the invites were obligatory (if I invite this person, I have to invite that person). Now, I've decided that if I don't know where you live or you didn't tell me yourself that you were expecting a child, you're not included on the list. I'm not even including all the couples where I was a bridesmaid or sang in their wedding or helped as a coordinator.
I just tell everyone it's going to be a small family-focused event.
Our wedding guest list is small because our families and group of friends are pretty small, so I figured we'd have no issues. Well, I was wrong. My aunt wanted to invite my step-cousin that I haven't seen since I was a kid, over 20 years ago. I held fast on that one and she understood. If anyone gives you a hard time, just keep repeating that mantra. Sorry, but our wedding is close family and friends only!
We too are having an extremely small wedding. Immediate family and a few extremely close friends (who treat me better than family anyway). No matter what you do, there is always someone who is going to complain about not being invited, spending money to travel, etc. That is why we decided to do it this way. Another way to save money is to do a Sunday Brunch wedding. It will be nice to not have everyone drinking all day and then worry about them driving home. My problem is that one my fincee's daughter is a drunk and the other is a pot head. (results of mother having custody after divorce) - why is there always something that takes away from the bride and groom - ie-babysitting his adult daughters and praying she won't fall of the wagon and we get blamed by the mother) Any advice?
So nice to hear about all of the small weddings. I also really enjoyed reading Miss Mary Jane's blog. We are now thinking that we are going to go ahead and do the tiny wedding with immediate family and close friends only and then a larger party later - 50-60 guests - which still isn't huge, but I do want to celebrate with aunts and uncles and cousins - they are important to me - I'm close with about 90% of them. In the end, that's why I'm giving in to the have a party afterward - luckily, FI understands - and luckily, his family is small.
I cannot imagine holding it against anyone that they didn't invite me to their wedding. Can you? I think my extended family would easily "get over it" if I didn't include them in anything, but I feel like I would be missing out if they weren't involved - so it's still a selfish decision! :)
Yellow2008, I definitely don't know your exact situation, but I wonder if you and your fiance can agree to enjoy your wedding day and not feel as though you have to babysit - are there any other family members or friends that you can ask to help keep an eye on the adult daughters? I ask because my grandparents have problems with alcohol and can be very obnoxious and rude, so I'll have my mom and my brother on alert, and I've warned my future in-laws that my grandparents can be a little volatile (I sugar-coated it a little!). I'm hoping for the best but I've already decided that if they are acting inappropriately that I don't have to worry about it. (I could go into the pros and cons that we went over about deciding to invite them in the first place, but I imagine that if these are your fiance's daughters, you don't get to make that choice.)
Good luck to you!
Thanks WiscoBride - I can't believe what I am getting in to. At least they are grown (age wise anyway!!)
Our guest list is small because I do not have any family and FI has a small family, most of them aren't coming because they live in CA and the wedding is in OH and they said it just wasn't doable financially. We have mostly friends coming, guest list is currently 46 but, we suspect no more than 30 to show. We feel that a wedding should be intimate anyway, with only those closest to you, only those who you TRULY care about.
@maryjane: Thanks for the links, maryjane. It was good to see your detailed ideas about how to placate curious relatives. I think we're kind of lucky in that we don't communicate with the people who aren't going to be invited very often at all, so it probably won't even come up, and so far we can just say "we don't know," to the "when are you getting married question?" But I like your suggestion of just giving them a general time frame. I think the idea of not picking and choosing guests is also excellent and helps stave off questions.
@Wisco Bride, I am totally with you. I can't imagine getting bent out of shape over not being invited either. The thing is I couldn't have imagined many of the responses my immediate family has had to my relationship with my fiance so far. Some of them have been brutal. So I am kind of asking this question because I am scared of what else might blow up on me. My Dad's family is quite close and they're not always the most rational understanding people in the world, so I am just panicking a little.
@Yellow2008, I totally agree about having the wedding at an odd time of day. I think that helps upset people's typical expectations. I think if you do a Sunday brunch no one will expect there to be alcohol. That doesn't really prevent the girls from showing up with drinks in them. Is that what you're worried about or are you going to be serving alcohol?
@budgetbeautiful: Yes, I think being strict about it definitely helps.
@Leafy: All of our family pretty much lives in the area, and we're not really interested in a destination wedding, because part of our motive is to ease the financial burden on ourselves. I wouldn't have minded having say all the uncles and aunts myself, but the fiance is not interested and given money issues it's probably for the best.
I am trying to keep the pot head sober and the drunk sober. It is my wedding day to their father who loves them to death, however he is a little nieve at time...My eyes and ears have greatly open his eyes and ears more. Their mother is just looking for a way for the girls to screw up and blame him or me....the closer we are getting .... the more worked up I am getting. We are only serving mimmosas, bellnmis and bloody marys and not having a bar open - they will all be butler style - but should i be the one worry about them driving or should I just enjoy MY day?
I WISH I could have a small wedding (under 100 people) but so far it's looking more like 150-175. Too many!
@Yellow2008 I would ask someone else to keep an eye on them, someone else who is somewhat close to them. I wouldn't say it's your job to worry about them, but I'm sure you wouldn't want anything to happen to them. Hopefully there's someone close who will be willing to watch their alcohol intake and help them get a cab if they seem to need one.
@KMSull Well, I sometimes feel bad about our plans too. We're cutting a lot of family, you know?
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Any ladies who have had very small guest lists, I would like to hear about your experiences.
My fiance and I haven't even really made plans or set a date, but we do know that we want a very small guest list - immediate family only (and possibly one or two friends). This is not just because of money, but because neither of us wants the spotlight and we aren't especially close to our other relatives.
What were your reasons for keeping your guest list small? Were other family members angry if you didn't invite them? How did you smooth things over or explain if they did get angry?