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Once you've made your decision (and it sounds like you have), make it common knowledge to any and everyone who asks that you're having an intimate, low-key wedding. The earlier they know not to expect to have to make travel plans and that they won't be a part of this celebration, the easier it will be for all. Maybe break it up by telling them that you'd love to have them over for dinner (if in town) or a long weekend (if out of town) sometime after you all have gotten married so that you can enjoy newlywed life with them then.
I agree with Maestro, but I do think it's important that you tell your FI's parents BEFORE you start telling other family members. It wouldn't really be fair to them to hear it through the grapevine. Plus, if you can get them to understand why you've chosen what you have, you'll have them in your corner to help defend your choice when criticism starts coming.
Ok, so update on the situation. I didn't know FI had planned to tell his parents um, TODAY (our nephews birthday) that we are planning to do a smaller intimate ceremony as opposed to the big formal affair. Well, out of the blue, he told him (I figured we would get a game plan together first so they didn't freak out). They both took it better than I thought they would! At first his mom started tearing up and you could see that he heart sank a little, but as we started discussing the plan in a little more detail her eyes lit up and you could see she became more excited about the idea (especially the part where we would get to spend more time with those closest to us instead of having only like 5 min per table talking to 2nd cousins twice removed that we don't know, sort of thing). :) I think at this point it's a good thing for all of us. I didn't worry about telling my parents because it was actually my mom's idea! :) My paternal grandparents loved the idea when we pitched it to them, but I don't know how my materal grandparents will take it (my grandmother wanted to invite people I haven't seen in like 10+ years and some of her friends from before she retired that neither FI nor I know, etc). She will probably not be happy, but it's our wedding and so if that's what we choose to do, it's what we'll do. FMIL also came up with the idea of having an 'engagement party' for us so that the rest of the family could come and give us their well wishes (more like a backyard BBQ sort of thing as opposed to the more formal 'after party' we will have after our intimate ceremony). FI and I both thought this was a neat idea so I think it'll make all feel included but not chaotic on our actual wedding day. Just thought I should let you guys know what happend for those who were interested. :)
Bella
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Hi Ladies (and Mr. Bee!),
FI and I have been thinking lately, and it's pretty solid now that we are having a smaller more intimate ceremony in a local park and then an 'after party' as opposed to a reception. The after party will be more of a nice, quiet dinner affair as opposed to what most people think of as a reception (DJ, dancing, bouquet toss, etc). This small ceremony and 'after party' guest list, at this point, will consist of us (obviously), our parents, grandparents (I have 3 sets since my parents are divorced), siblings, niece and nephew, our 3 attendants each and their dates (approx 30 - 35 ppl). We originally were thinking a larger wedding with about 135 people but that started getting out of control with family drama (you can't invite this person if I can't invite that person, etc you know the drill). Ok, so the question is this. I have had family members (aunts, uncles, cousins) who will not be invited, asking about how wedding plans are going. I don't want to tell them about things they are not invited to, because it seems rude, but it's also rude to dodge the questions. This information about our having a small ceremony/after party is not yet common knowledge so I'm not really sure what to do here. Also, how do we break this to FI's parents and other family members who ask? Thanksgiving is coming up and I know we will be asked about it at his family gathering (luckily my family doesn't do a big Thanksgiving get together anymore). When I discussed the idea of having a smaller ceremony/after party with 2 of 3 sets of grandparents and parents they all thought it was a great idea and how it would de-stress and un-drama the situation. I am thinking that FI's parents and my 3rd set of grandparents, might not react the same way.
Thanks!!
Bella