Post # 1
I really need some advice!
Since we got engaged my family have been expecting a big wedding and my mum has practically planned the whole thing, even though we havent set a date yet! Even though my fiance and I really don’t like her plans my mum has told us the wedding is going to be whatever she wants it to be and we cant argue!
I have tried to talk to her about it, but she tells me that weddings arent for the couple, they are for the guests, so it doesnt matter that we dont like it. If i push the issue she gets really angry and tells me to grow up and stop being overly sensitive.
Long story short, my fiance and I have decided to go away and get married, just the two of us and 4 friends. Now I have the problem of how to tell my mum. I have no idea how to tell her and I know she will be upset and angry, and probably confrontational!
How do I go about this?
Post # 2
Tell her after you are married?
Probably not the best advice.
Post # 3
Yeah… I would advise her to grow up and realize you are an adult who is capable of making her own decisions as well.
But, in all honestly if I were you, I would thank her for the offer to help plan and/or any offers of financial support, but let her know you plan on doing something more intimate and small that you and your fiancé will take care of on your own. If she asks what the plans are and wants to argue those with you, I would continue to tell her that your decision is final and you won’t engage in any further conversation about it.
Post # 4
Maybe if her major concerns are the reception, you can have them as separate events – the small elopement ceremony, and then a big reception planned by your mom when you get back?
Mrs.Sawyertobe: Yeah, that was my first thought, too…
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard
You need to tell her before.
Have both of you there, sit her down and tell her that you appreciate her support and ideas but it truly is NOT what you envisioned nor what you want for your wedding. That since she has not listened to anything that you desired that you will be eloping and having the wedding that you truly want.
As a parent, it will probably be the wake up call that she needs that if she wants to be there, she will either finally agree to what you want or be mad and not talk to you for awhile, but will more than likely come around right before your wedding. Betcha! Force her hand so to speak and I’m sure it will help her see what is going on.
Post # 6
RhianK: i would tell her AFTER you have eloped. She sounds like she is stubborn and will not “get it” until after its been done.
Explain to her that you have tried to express that you don’t want a big wedding and that the wedding isn’t about the guests. Sure its nice to have a wedding and be able to entertain your guests, but it really is about the couple and their love for one another. HOw that couple chooses to celebrate their nuptials is up to the COUPLE not the parents or siblings.
Its nice that she was offering to give you a reception but its obvious thats not what you wanted.
Post # 7
Sorry to burst your mum’s bubble, but the wedding is for the guest to be there to CELEBRATE the COUPLE’s unity, not for their own pleasure.
If you are the one that’s paying for it, there should be no problem with putting your foot down and say this is what you want for YOUR wedding.
However, if you still want to elope, you could either just tell her that you and the fiance have decided to not have a wedding reception and only have a ceremony(registration of marriage).
Or you could just tell everyone including your mum (don’t tell her privately) after you’ve married. (Not the best option, but should be the last option)
Post # 8
Mrs.Sawyertobe: Lol. Same thing I was thinking.
Post # 9
RhianK: I’m sorry about your situation – you and your mum certainly have different ideas about a wedding and I’m not sure if there is common ground.
Given what you have said about your efforts to talk to her already, I’d suggest one last, scheduled, sit down meeting with your mum and your fiance, and go over politely but firmly YOUR vision for the wedding. If you can’t find common ground at that meeting, tell her, again firmly but politely, that you and your FI *WILL* get married in the way you want, and you will miss her presence.
Wishing you the best of luck. *hugs*
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2015 - Historic house and gardens
I actually did this. My first wedding, everyone was giving so much pressure and it all felt so negative that I just got married with 2 friends there to witness and then told everyone afterwards. Not the best way to handle it but I felt I had no choice.
Unfortunately (or for the best really, because my new man is amazing) that marriage didn’t last, and this time round I have put my foot down from the start, refused any financial help whatsoever so that they can’t have a say, and am finally getting the wedding that I want.
If your mum is paying, you need to work out a way to pay for yourself, otherwise you are kind of stuck with doing what she says or running off to get married.