(Closed) Smoothing things out before the wedding (FILs)

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Has your FI said anything to his family about it? I think that if you say something yourself it will create more drama but maybe he can?

Post # 5
Member
5969 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Wow, first of all I think it’s awesome that after all of this garbage you still want to smooth things over, that is truly exceptional because most people wouldn’t have bothered.  So feel good about that!  Secondly, stop being upset, you have done nothing wrong and if you want my two cents you were screwed from go, people are only as involved as they want to be in a wedding, and if you had solicited help from his family, you would have been construed as demanding and selfish, other way around, sneaky and trying to divide and conquer…no win situation there.  If it were me, I would compose myself, and my FI and I would phone his parents and anyone else that was blowing smoke and just tell them how very excited and happy you are that they’re coming, check in and see if they have any questions you can answer, or any other way to be of help?

These sound like the kind of people that like to talk behind everyone’s back, but when confronted with a polite person who’s anxious to help I imagine all that bluster falls a bit flat.

 

Post # 6
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee

I am confused, are you guys already married? Your date says June… It is August?

Post # 7
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

This sounds like normal wedding disagreements, don’t worry! I would try to work on your relationship outside of wedding planning by calling your FIL’s or going out to lunch. It must be frustrating now, but it doesn’t sound like your relationship can’t recover.

Post # 8
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@GrumpyPumpkin:  I think that the first thing to do is to have (and he really should have already done this) your FI call them.  He needs to explain exactly what you have said here: they never asked, and he told you that they didn’t care and just wanted to show up.  He didn’t share information with them because he didn’t think that they wanted to know.  He realises that that was wrong and that he made a mistake here.  He’d like to know why, if they did care, they didn’t ask any questions/offer to help/be interested, etc.  If they were upset, why the hell didn’t they come to you both to talk about it instead of waiting?  What’s with all the back-biting?

I’m going to guess that he’s not particularly close with his family and that you’re cool with that (not really encouraging contact- this is cool, but a lot of families seem to rely on the wife or girlfriend to “force” their SO’s to contact family…that’s enough for another post).  His reaction towards “normal” wedding stuff (picking out a nice meal and carefully choosing decor) is interesting…as in HE might not care, but well, you do…and clearly his parents/family do on some level.  They may have been waiting for someone to ask them for help (either financial or physical)- my in laws are like this.  They will never ask any questions and, for the wedding, my DH had to keep them in loop…but that was because he wanted them in the loop.  Why did your FI want them in the dark?

The crappy part about this is that they are probably blaming you and so he really needs to step up and take responsibility for his lack of a relationship with his family.  They are obviously very passive aggressive, so I would tuck that information away for later.  I try to deal with PA people VERY directly…otherwise you’ll end up way more frustrated.  

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