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i've heard of several people who did this, and more who have receieved calls in that vein; most knew it was a B-list invite (at least if they've ever been even remotely involved in planning a wedding), so it might not be quite as sneaky as you think.
The best way to handle B-lists that I've heard is to have a second set of response cards printed with a later RSVP date and send out a second wave of invites after getting back a bunch of declines. (Sorry - ETA - by 'the best' I mean 'my favorite', hehe, I didn't mean to sound pushy!)
LOL, when it comes to ways of doing things, "my favorite," "the best" and "my way" are all synonyms to me! 
I err on the side of sending out invites uber early like 8 weeks but still having the rsvp two weeks before or so and then about a month before send out the others... but i like the idea of having two dates.
This is interesting...but idk if I'd do it. I'd be too afraid someone would find out!
i would do it. and if they know there on the "b" list and really know you then they will understand. if they dont and they make you feel as if you should have put them on the "a" llist or just dont understand your budget.....then doesnt that make your point more clear...that is y they are on the "b" list. i would say this is a good plan and if someone does know they will still have doubt expecially if you word it right and come off conviencing...(.i cant spell today dont mind me)
I'm on the other side. I've been on the B-list and it's very noticeable and I find it insulting. I'd rather not be invited. One wedding, the bride told me when she mailed her invitations. Ours came two months later. The other wedding, we were invited two weeks before the event - to a 400 person wedding. We declined both.
If you can live with your guilty conscience! Also, make sure no two people from the B list end up sitting at the same table, in case the subject happens to come up in conversation, and they put two and two together... if you know what I mean. ;)
Haha, I love it though I probably would never do it. I've definitely received at least one B-List invite and while it's disappointing not to be a "top friend", I get it. If it was a very close friend, I'd be hurt and likely wouldn't go. But for a friend or acquaintance, I get it.
I have a ways to go before I send out invites. I'm wondering if anyone has sent out different rounds of invites, like family and family friends in one round, then friends in another? My big concern is that a lot of FIs family won't make it, and they are a significant portion of the invitees. If I know ahead of time that a bunch of them can't make it, I'd love to be able to invite more of our friends.
So stressful because you want to stay within budget, but you don't want to hurt anyones feelings or leave anyone out
I think the "rounds" of invites seems like the better way to go. we are inviting about 185 people and planning for 150. We think most that we invite will say yes and are prepared to pay for a few extra yeses if need be. This being said, we originally planned on inviting about 220. Unfortunetly, budgets can sometimes rain on the parade. This doesn't mean I don't WANT to invite these people, or wouldn't be absolutely ecstatic to have them at my wedding...its just there are other people that I couldn't not have at my wedding. We will prob. do a B-list type thing depending on responses (we'll be sending invites out in rounds). This is not meant to hurt anyones feelings, and those who know us or know anything about budgets I am hoping will understand unfortunaetly it is just necessary. We will do all we can to not make it noticable. I would not be hurt if I was a round 2er...atleast I know they want me there...I know everyone isn't Bill Gates
I think this is a very good idea but I feel like there could be a potential flaw in there somewhere but I'm not sure what that is...
I could never do that personally. You would be amazed at the stuff people find out that you try to keep secret. Do you really want to start off your marriage being deceptive? That doesn't fly with alot of people.
We're probably doing a "modified B list" as I call it. Our wedding is only about 50 people, so we're sending out the out-of-town guests' invitations really early and then, if we get a lot of regrets, we will add to the local invitation list. It is highly unlikely that my cousin in Minnesota will be having a heart-to-heart with my senior partner about when he received his invite, so I'm thinking it's pretty safe. I would be worried about your plan, however. How embarassing would it be to have 10 different people make small talk about how their invitation was lost in the mail?
at jkoala - thats a good idea about different rounds - one for family and one for friends - i was contemplating something similar since i know my long distance relatives most likely wont make it and that will free up space for me to invite my more local friends who i would LOVE to make it but theres limited space (limited budget and venue space). I am also trying to lean on mom and dad and FMIL and FFIL to get an "informal" yes or no from the immediate family members (i.e. aunts and uncles and grandparents) to make sure they are a go- we both come from big families (i have 18 aunts and uncles alone, not including their spouses so thats 36 people right there! and thats just MY aunts and uncles) and if some of em dont go it will free up a LOT of space for my friends who i would love to invite as well.
I said "shady" though I didn't mean the part about "I can't believe you would think of doing this." :) I can totally see the temptation to do it, but I feel like there are better ways than kind of flat-out lying to folks. We might do the two rounds of invites since we have all of our really close friends and family coming from way way out of town, and our friends in town are mostly a lot more casual (we haven't lived here that long). That way, the two rounds actually makes sense, since the OOT folks would need their invites sooner anyway. (Nevermind that they're all receiving STDs anyway).
To clarify: I'm not against a B-list, I'm against the obvious techniques that make guests feel lesser. Both of the b-list situations I've been in could have been easily avoided.
@jkoala & spaganya - we did "rounds" of invites & it worked out great. FI's VERY large family is from the west coast & the wedding is in NYC. We wanted to keep the wedding intimate, so we sent the first round to all of his aunts/uncles and other VIP out of towners. Most of them declined, which we assumed they would. However, the ones that accepted were very grateful that we were so considerate to send them their invites with enough time to plan a proper trip. Ha! If only they knew we were only being considerate of OUR budget! (sending our invites out so early also allowed us to skip on the official STDs). Our wedding is 1/15/10, we sent round 1 invites out in early September, with an RSVP date of 10/15/09. (Granted we had to call nearly everyone to get their RSVPs, but that's a whole other post!). Two weeks later, we sent the second round in late Oct/early Nov with an RSVP date of 11/30. I'm still waiting on some slackers, but the nice thing is that if we had rec'd more regrets from round two, I could very easily do a round 3 with plenty of time before my wedding date. It does help that we DIY'd our invites, but if you're ordering from a printer, I would suggest getting 2 (or even 3!) different dates on the reply cards.
I think it's a little sneaky and dishonest. You don't want bad karma surrounding your wedding, and the other poster had a good point about people knowing anyway which is really awkward.
I have been B-listed to weddings a few times and I can honestly say that I was not at all offended and 100% of the time was honored to even be on the Blist. I can't imagine someone being mad to be on a Blist. It's a wedding! They're expensive, that's why there are minimums at venues - if there weren't, people would just invite like 25 of their closest friends and be done with it!
If it makes you feel more comfortable, have separate RSVP cards with a later date printed up, but seriously all you need to do is approach each B-lister and say sincerely "I would love to have you at my wedding, can you make it? It's on X date" and all the b-list worries fade away.
Shady or brilliant? We say the two are not mutually exclusive lol. Although I do like the idea of a second wave of invites better. I'm torn because most of my friends can't be invited right now, our venue has a strict limit of 100, and between my Irish Catholic family and his Polish Catholic family, we have too many FAMILY people that absolutely must be invited. I think that if it came down to it, those people on my "b list" would understand not getting the first invitation. They know me too well to not be understanding.
I'm personally not a fan of this. I don't like lying to my friends and family.
I am an advocate of inviting everyone you want there. if they're not on the first list, do you really want to invite them?
my friend did the plan b list. she invited the exact number that the venue allowed for, and then right when she got a no she sent an invite out. it would stress me out way too much, i'm a planner, i need to know everything in advance, and that's just too much unknown for me. plus, i dont want a lot of people there, so if i can just not invite more people and get a lot of no's, i'd be much happier.
I don't think you should lie to your guests. Also, I think the b-list guests at least deserve to get a proper paper invitiation.
Haha sneaky!
An older couple I was friends with were having a 50th anniversary party a couple of years ago, and they told me I was on the B list. The exact words were "You're on the B list. If someone cancels we'll let you know". I should have declined the invitation when it came. *shudder*
I think this could work if
a) you don't do it for too many guests (people talk, and how many invites can really get lost in the mail?)
b) your b-list guests aren't already aware of this tactic (obviously you don't know 100% but i think you can judge by how experienced they are with weddings in general). I know a lot of my guests would not see through this, but I can think of others who probably would, so it all depends on your crowd.
@MissHelen: that's the funniest b-list story I've ever heard. Definitely wouldn't recommend going that route to anyone :)
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I know that many in the hive are very opposed to the idea of a "B list," and I agree: you would never want someone to know that they weren't top pick for your wedding guests. That said, there were several people that we want at our wedding whom we just cannot afford to invite. I wish that there was some way to politely have a "B list" so we could invite them as we receive declines.
Yesterday, my FI called his cousin, because we had not received his RSVP. The cousin was embarassed, and said he had been waiting for us to call because he had not received an invite, but he figured (correctly) that he was invited. His invitation must just be lost in the mail, or we had the wrong address.
We realized then that this could be a sneaky (but effective?) way of having a "B list!" We only half-jokingly said to each other that you could totally call people up and be like, "We haven't received your RSVP, are you coming!?" and just pretend like the invitation was lost in the mail.
I have been thinking about it, and despite my general discomfort with the B list, I have a discomfort with leaving loved ones out of our wedding, as well! If anyone had declined (seriously, we got all accepts) I might very well have tried this. What do you think: brilliant or shady?