- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
So a little back information about me first... I grew up in a small town in upstate new york. After i graduated college I moved to Long Island with my FH. I was 22 when I moved, I started my career, bought a home, and started my life. I did a lot of growing up after I moved and I became my own person. But apparently I became a snobby bitch in the process. Now that I am getting married my mom and my sister have no problems telling me how ive changed and that I am just trying to put on a show instead of doing whats important. For my sisters wedding, my parents printed her announcement in the engagement sections. She had everything she wanted... her dream wedding for a marriage that didnt last a year. Now, I respect my sisters decisions for her wedding. But really it wasnt my taste. I work hard, I take care of my house and my FH and our family. I think we deserve to have what we want in our wedding. My parents and my sister think that because I dont want my wedding in an uninspired hall, family style with 300 of our closest family and friends etc that im a snobby bitch. but really Im not trying to throw an $80,000 wedding... Im not even trying to throw a $30,000 wedding... but I do think that we deserve to have what we want without being judge as snobby. why is it that I dont deserve a $150k wedding? Just frustrated because now I hem and haw about evert stupid penny I spend.... and Im really not snobby, I chose a beautiful venue that was about 5 times the price of my sisters... but shes was ridiculously inexpensive. I cut our guest list to half of what hers was... and Id cut it less but my mother keeps adding people!! and everything else I dont care about... so I dont really understand why im being snobby? or maybe I am and thats just who Ive become...
Making different choices than your sister did, in and of itself, does not make you snobby. But you didn't mention who is paying for your wedding? If you are paying for it- then you can have any kind of wedding you desire. But if you are expecting your family to pay for a more expensive wedding that is not necessarily their taste... then you might have a problem. More info please!
@eeniebeans: Well at first they said that they were paying for as much as my sisters wedding was (which they paid the entire thing)... mine will be slightly more expensive. but they then said they would just pay for the venue and my dress which as much as my sisters wedding... basically They are chipping in, the FILs are chipping in and were picking up the rest
Are you spending a lot more than your sister did? You said that you aren't having an $80,000 wedding or even a $30,000 wedding, but then you said "why is it that I dont deserve a $150k wedding?" I'm just trying to understand what you are asking your parents for so I can try to give some advice.
If you are trying to spend more, maybe your parents have a cap on what they want to spend and they don't want to tell you they can't spend more than that, so they are trying to find ways to make you lower the cost so they can cover more for you. But I need more info first.
I feel like as long as you're not expecting them to pay for your wedding, you should be able to spend what you want! My wedding was way less expensive then my brothers, but that's my style. It in no way makes my brother and sil snobby, we just had different priorities.
well i'm a little confused because first you say
but really Im not trying to throw an $80,000 wedding... Im not even trying to throw a $30,000 wedding... which makes it sound like you're keeping it to a budget but then you say
why is it that I dont deserve a $150k wedding?
so i'm confused here. are you going for budget or expensive? do they think you're a snob because you only want high ticket items? or are you a snob because you don't want the traditional wedding they are used to? it kind of sounds like this is more about money... and if you have the means to pay for it yourself then great. It would definitely not be fair to expect others to pay when it's you who has the expensive tastes. I am getting the feeling that you want expensive things just for the reason that they are expensive... which in the end is a waste. weddings are about love and family and joy, not about how much you can squeeze out of your wallet. If I am wrong, sorry! like i said i'm a bit confused but this is the feeling i'm getting from your post as it is. If that's where your priorities are I can see where they'd have an issue but as long as you're picking up the tab yourself then they shouldn't try to put you down. it's your choice how you want to waste, i mean spend your money. ;)
What Im saying is our budget is my budget is 25k... by my own choice.. but why dont I deserve to spend 150k if I want to.... my sisters wedding was just over 15k.. but my mom capped us at 12... I should be thankful they are giving us anything, but in the same token... I have a bit of second child syndrom feeling...
@Kemi82JP: I definitely dont want things that are expensive just because they are so... but in the same token, if I wanted to spend $3000 on a dress, its my wedding, its one day, shouldnt I be able to? If we could just have a destination wedding we would... but its not possible for a multitude of reasons that I cant really get into... what I want is a beautiful wedding and beautiful in my standards and not theirs... All im really asking for is for them to give the same amount to me as they did my sister and not have to hear it if I spend over that because I choose to... because I want the wedding of my dreams and not theirs...
If you want to throw a 300K wedding for yourself, then throw one for yourself. It's NOT your parents' responsiblity to pay for your wedding. You're a grown woman that is acting like a spoiled little 6 year old girl. Some women aren't so lucky to have such caring parents pay for some (or all) of the wedding ceremony. Be grateful that they are paying 12K for your wedding! So they paid 15K for your sister's wedding? That's ONLY a difference of 3K. Do you not have 3K in your savings? You feel like you have "second child syndrome"? It sounds like this issue goes way deeper than the cost of your wedding.
Please don't take your parents for granted. Be grateful that both parents are alive, well, and can actually witness you get married.
@NATO: A little harsh and unnecessary... guess you didnt read the notice about avoiding personal attacks or snarkiness?
I agree 100% with NATO, I don't think you are being snobby, but Ido think you are acting a little...spoiled brat-ish?
@NATO: A little harsh, but true. Your parents don't have to help you out at all, OP--be glad they've offered 12k. That is an EXTREMELY generous gift.
@eseds - Yes, I was harsh and I apologize for it, but I do not apologize for being truthful in my initial message. My father is sick (he needs a heart transplant) and I fear that he may not live long enough to see my wedding day. So when I hear someone venting about how her parents wont pay 'X' amount on her wedding, it does not sit well with me. I hope you realize (sooner rather than later) just how lucky you are to have such great parents. Please start to be appreciative that they love you, they are in good health, and they have the means to pay 12K for your wedding! You ARE a lucky woman!
I don't think you are being snobby or spoiled. It is difficult to deal with siblings and expectations based on what siblings have done in the past. It sucks if your sister was treated differently, but there may not be anything that you can do about it. Your parents don't have to pay for anything and it's generous that they are. I would just try to focus on the wedding you want and control what you can. Don't worry about what your sister did or what she got from your parents. Everyone is different and even though it's cruel, siblings aren't the same and aren't always treated equally.
@PinkBubbleGum:Thanks pink, I think thats more so what it is.. that its just the icing... always feeling second fiddle to my sister... Its not that I dont appreciate all that my parents have done and are offering us... but when they gush over my sister and then tell me ive become a snobby bitch... well maybe its true or maybe its just that Im not my sister...
I had problems with my parents telling me not to listen to one another because it is my decision, but they each had to chime in on what they think I should do. My parents are chipping in 5K, so that is basically my wedding budget, we are paying for our honeymoon. It doesn't sound like much but I can't come up with 5K in 8 months, so I am very grateful! Times change and unfortuatly maybe your parents just can do anymore, or maybe they don't want to becasue as you said your sister's marriage did't even last a year, so maybe they think it is a waste. I know you are a separate person and you do deserve the weddign of your dreams but sometimes parents think they know best. I would say don't take it to heart. Even with a smaller budget I had to talk to them because their tastes are not mine. So I thanked them for the generosity but also said everything has to be my decision. If I have 5k for a wedding I am gonna spend it on the things we want for our day to be special to us. I still like to use them as a sounding board for advice if needed and I am lucky they are cool with that. I have what I think are the greatest parents in the world! If I go over then thats on me. I wouldn't call it snobby, people have different tastes and wants that whats makes different. Good Luck.
@NATO: Sorry for your hardship... but you cant expect everyone to feel or know your story... as you dont know others stories and losses... Maybe it is spoiled brat-ish and it comes out as why wont you spend on me as you would my sister... but what I guess Im really saying is why wont you love me as much as you love her... Like I said you dont know others hardships or losses...
I was under the impression that you were undergoing an identity crisis and wanted help sorting out whether or not you have turned into a snob. Besides, I think that NATO essentially rephrased your original post into a valid response. Just because WB urges people to avoid being snarky does not mean that you can write a post degrading your parents for not coughing up an adequate amount of money and not expect to receive some flack, and NATO's post even comes close to classifying as snarky (since her message seems to urge you to love your parents regardless of whether or not they can serve as adequate cash cows). Seriously, if you don't want honest feedback then keep it to your own diary/blog.
We went through the same thing but on a much smaller scale but it's just how it goes. Do your parents have the same amount of money to give you as they did your sister? My fiance's brother got married a year or so ago and didn't spend hardly anything on his wedding. Our wedding is by no means expensive ($6-7,000) but they can no longer help us as much as they did him due to reasons that have to do with his brother. I don't know if you mentioned it but maybe the same amount of money isn't there.
I think it was snarky, only the last line of the message was not. If you don't like a post you surely are not required to comment especialy to chime in with rude comments. You can be honest but there is a line that you shouldn't cross. If you can't follow the rules then don't participate. I feel like this is highschool more and more everyday.
Can you have a calm, heart to heart with your parents? Just tell them that you feel a bit slighted because your sister received more financial support for her wedding than you are going to. Make sure you let them know it's not the money--you just feel that your sister's day was favored over your own. Maybe they are having some trouble with finances. I know how you feel--my Mom goes bipolar with my wedding budget (depending on the day, the budget will vary by a LOT).
Also, through wedding planning I've discovered that my mother is more willing to shell out for things SHE likes. Like, she didn't bat an eye when she found out the cake we liked would probably cost more than $15/slice but paying $300 extra for chiavari chairs (that she doesn't like) is not in the cards.
I also agree with previous posters who say be grateful that your parents are there to enjoy your day with you. It is also extremely generous of them to offer you the money they have. That is a large amount of money, especially if they are planning to retire soon. I feel bad that you are being crucified for this post though, because I think the root of the problem is that you feel your sister was favored because her taste was more in line with your parents'. I think if you maturely explain why you are having problems with $$, things may get better.
I don't think you are snobby for having more expensive taste. However, is it really worth it to worry about the 15,000 vs. 12,000 difference... if they do not have a legitimate reason (economy ate up their savings?) for the difference, and they are just showing favoritism, that stinks big time but what can you do about it. That's how life goes sometimes. I think a sizable gift like $12,000 shows they really do care, if they were trying to be nasty to you they would give you $0. When parents are doing the "favorite child" manipulative stuff, they usually don't do it in $3,000 increments...
As an aside, what does the duration of your sister's marriage have to do with anything? Nothing is guaranteed - there are no crystal balls . . . would you feel differently if she were still married? or widowed?
@MissCosmopolitan: No more so that it put a bad taste with marriages/weddings in my parents mouth since they spent so much money and it didnt last.
And you know this because you have had a conversation about it with your parents? (Rhetorical question, btw.) "Don't ask what your [parents] can do for you, but what you can do for your [parents]." Sometimes I think the focus is too much on what you expect other people to give, that you don't realize/see the other inequities in the relationship.
NATO was not being snarky at all. You asked a question, and she told you what she thought. I get a little tired of people on WB asking for people's opinion, then getting upset because it is not what they want to hear. She didn't attack you or say anything wrong.
The truth is, if you are paying for your own wedding, you should spend whatever you want. But expecting somone else to pay for your wedding at any cost, when you started your thread with how responsible and mature you were...well, I agree with NATO not only should someone in your position not expect her parents to foot the bill for her, but it is certainly not responsible or adult to be whining about your parents not paying for things they arent willing and/or able to pay for. It doesn't matter what they did for your sibling, When people give money it should be up to them how they want to spend it. You said "all I'm asking is that they give to me what they gave to my sister". Well, I'd like to know where it's written that they have to be even with everything. It's their money to do with as they wish. If my Mom gave my brother money and didn't give it to me, I would be glad she was able to help him and I'm mature enough that I certainly wouldnt be whining about "halfsies". Of course then again, I wouldn't post a question on wedding bee and then get mad and label someone snarky just because they were honest, either.
IMHO I think the thread is a little snarky. A good rule is, would you say this in public, to their face. Even if someone is being really outrageous and crazy, like "Why can't I have my $5,000 chocolate fountain? I hate my daddy! Don't you think he's awful?" I wouldn't reply, to a stranger, "No, you crazy banshee, you are the one who is awful." Because honesty is sometimes not the best policy. I guess. That is what I think sometimes anyway.
It was just a vent blog... I would never go to my parents and say you know you have not done enough in your life for me...whether I feel this way or not... I did not ask for your opinion just venting... hence the word VENT in the title. so maybe im a snobby bitch which seems to be the consensus... I can deal with that.. but I dont believe that my title said opinions or advice please... so if you so choose to interject your comments, which Im perfectly fine with... it doesnt necessarily have to be said in a rude way... it could have been said simply that you should appreciate your parents for what they could do for you and not worry about whats done for who... but flat out calling me 6... is snarky... the snarkiness doesnt come from urging me to love my parent (which I do, very much so) it comes from the grade school name calling... Just saying...
I don't think you are a snobby bitch. People on Weddinbee tend to be fairly idealistic and not realistic, and therefore get their heads stuck up their own you-know-whats once in a while when giving advice :).
@eseds:
I think your parents should have given you are your sister the same amount, that's fair. Maybe your folks gave your Sister more because she is not as financially stable as you are (just a thought)? I think whatever you want to spend of your own money after the monetary gift from your folks is on you and that's fair too, if you work hard for your money then you are entitled to spend it on your own wedding. :) However, I would just be incredibly grateful for the 12k......it's better than what many people get.
If you're paying for your own wedding, you can have a $150,000 wedding and not a darn thing anyone can say about it, even if they think you're being snobby. However if your parents are being generous enough to contribute $12K and you don't think that's good enough, I can see how they would think you're being ungrateful. I'd just take their contribution for what it is and be happy. Not worth getting yourself worked up and creating family drama over a $3000 difference between what they gave you and your sister. You mentioned you're a grown woman with an established career...Why don't you just put in more of your money so you can be more free with your choices?
It's your day and imho do what you can afford considering the amount your parents are offering! I think you can have a lovely day!
Fwiw, I paid for my wedding to the ex pretty much myself and my now DH and I paid for our wedding entirely. My grandparents (when I married the ex) paid for my flowers back then, but I've always done everything pretty much on my own, even getting scholarships for college too.
I'd be thankful for the 12k! We'll help you here in any way you need planning!
I see where you are coming from. I am always being told by friends what to do with my wedding and what I "have to do" or how to spend our money, but luckily my mother is supportive as well as my SIL (who is as close as any sister). I would ignore the negative comments and have the wedding you wish to have. If you choose to add to what your parents have given you, its your money, you earned it, spend it how you wish. I think you can attribute the negatives to the emotions that weddings stir up in families. You might try doing what I do; smile and thank them for their input and you will put it into consideration.
She had everything she wanted... her dream wedding for a marriage that didnt last a year. Now, I respect my sisters decisions for her wedding. But really it wasnt my taste. I work hard, I take care of my house and my FH and our family. I think we deserve to have what we want in our wedding.
asking for is for them to give the same amount to me as they did my sister and not have to hear it if I spend over that because I choose to
Nowhere did she say that she expected her parents to pay! I do not know where the comments about her being spoiled are coming from. She IS paying the difference between what her family is willing to give her and what she wants. What she wants is for them to stop judging her for having different priorities in planning than her sister. No one likes to hear "why don't you do it like your sister?"
Nato: So when I hear someone venting about how her parents wont pay 'X' amount on her wedding, it does not sit well with me. But that is not what she was venting about, so your comment seemed out of left field to me. I understand where you are coming from, as I lost my father when I was 16. He never knew me as a adult and he never met my FI (who I suspect he would have loved.) My 3 older sisters all had big weddings, but that was almost 30 years ago. My mom cannot afford anything toward my wedding and I understand that. BUT if she were pointing out that my sister just had a keg and why do I need to pay an actual bartender, etc it would annoy me. Esp if I was being told that I was a snob for wanting things different then my sisters.
OP- I am sorry you are feeling this way. It is hard for parents when you grow up and change. It sounds like you sister lives close to home, so it makes sense that they don't see the changes in her as much. I don't know that there is a lot you can do about it. I think I would try to talk to your mom about it when you are alone and relaxed and she is in a good mood. Explain to her that you know your wedding planning is a little outside her tastes, but it is what you have always wanted and this is your one chance to plan things your way and that she is making it unenjoyable to share the planning with her by making you feel bad. Point out that just as your sister would not want to live your life, you also do not want to live your sisters. She may not agree with your choices, but she should be able to support you anyway.
I don't think it's ever fair for a mother to call her daughter a snobby bitch. To me, that crosses a line, and I think you should try to talk to her about it. I know that if I were you, I'd want the relationship with my family to be good during my engagement. I wonder if your mom is feeling like you're more independent than your sister and don't "need" her as much, so she's taking it out on your wedding? This is supposed to be a happy time, right? Only you know the background with your family situation, but if it's possible, I'd try to open the lines of communication a little bit and at least try to help your mom understand how hurtful her words are.
Weddings can often bring out the worst in family dynamics. I wanted a tiny destination wedding, and my parents insisted that they would pay for my entire wedding if I had a large wedding where they could invite their friends (150 guests for them alone). Since my husband and his family also wanted a local wedding, I gave in and as the wedding drew closer my parents refused to pay for certain items - like flowers, the photographer, light or sound (the latter two items were required by the venue for $20,000). Since it was so close to the wedding, and invitations had already been sent, I wound up paying almost $40,000 towards my "free" wedding. I am posting this story to warn you that if you have a difficult relationship with your family, you might not want to depend on their money until the check clears. My advice to you would be to sit down and tell them that you will be grateful for whatever amount of money they are willing to contribute to your wedding, but that you need an exact amount so that you can budget accordingly. And make sure you get that check before spending any money you can't afford to cover.
I understand how frustrating it is when parents treat one sibling better than the other, since my parents paid for my brother's entire wedding, but their endless support of my brother has led to his complete lack of independence, and after a long term bout of unemployment with a baby on the way, my parents finally had to buy a business so he would have a job. It may not be fair, but at least I know that my husband and I can support ourselves. If I were you, I would plan my life assuming no support from your family, and view any assistance as a bonus. It isn't fair if they treat your sister better than you, but there is nothing you can do to make them act fairly.
i agree exactly with what edgypeanuts said above. also, hang in there. i felt similarly when i was planning my wedding. my parents kept saying i changed and i was bitchy. they still think that now that the wedding is over, but surprisingly they did have a great time at my wedding and really liked all of the choices i made for the wedding day. i think they just need to realize that their kids can grow up and make their own decisions and that they (the parents) won't always be in control
@eseds:I don't think you're being a snobby bitch at all. You want what you want, and there isn't anything wrong with that. And if you're parents can afford it, then there is also nothing wrong with asking them to pay the same amount that they did for your sister. She chose to have the wedding that she did, and so are you. You're just paying for the difference so that you can have the things that are important to you.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| kate02121 | 12 |
| ndreighton | 11 |
| ozpeony | 7 |
| cbeyelia | 6 |
| rivierabridal | 6 |
| ladyartichoke | 5 |
| takemyhand | 5 |
| ohmystars28 | 5 |
| louiseW | 5 |
| abbie017 | 4 |
Sorry, there are no users yet.
